Chapter Nine
Chloe
Walking away from Jayson after that hug was like cutting off my own arm. When he leaned down to hug me, I froze up, but he smelled so good and was so warm, I couldn’t help but lean into him. I don’t know how I am going to keep him at an arm’s length and knowing that I really don’t want to makes it even harder to do so. Why couldn’t I just be normal and have no secrets or baggage other than what most people my age would have? One mistake on my part, coupled with the criminal intent of another has served to make my life a living hell. It has made me keep my distance from others except for Maddie and in the past I never wanted to get close to anyone.
Now, after meeting Jayson, I realize I don’t want to keep my resolve to be alone. I want him and at the same time I don’t. Part of me wishes I never laid eyes on him, but the biggest part of me is extremely glad I did. So for now, I guess the only thing to do is to see what happens. I can’t worry about it right now because I have to get to class.
Sitting through my American Lit class was murder. I mean, what social worker is going to use American Lit when counseling someone? I try to listen to the professor, but she is droning on and on about Edgar Allen Poe and his weird tendencies with his black cat. Her interpretation of "The Black Cat" is sexual in nature. I don’t know why she is bringing this up because it’s just disturbing. If you are that bad off, get a hooker or something or whatever they were called during that time period, not your cat. Can you say nasty? Ok, I’m officially grossed out and ready for this class to be over.
Finally, the class ends and I walk to my car. I’m thinking I need to go to the Epicurean Market to get some ingredients for our dinner tomorrow night. With this thought, I feel my pulse accelerate, but I ignore it because I’ve decided to go with it for now. I don’t know if anything is even going to happen with us so I don’t see the need to freak out. In the back of my mind, my conscience whispers to me that I know exactly what is going to happen, but I’m the queen of avoidance today so I tell it to shut the hell up. As Carlos says, I have a “fine piece of man meat” that seems interested so I’m going to enjoy it for a little while.
With that decision made, I get in my car and sing along to Bruno Mars’ “Talking to the Moon” who by the way is my fantasy baby daddy. Who could resist that voice? Not me, no way, no how. I wonder if Jayson sings. I hope so because I hate hearing people do karaoke when they suck. Even if he does, I’m going to have a good time. I’m going on my first real date and I am not going to obsess over my past. That’s my new mantra and I repeat it over the voice in my head. Yep, queen of avoidance, that’s my new middle name.
Walking down the aisles of the market, I wonder what Jayson likes to eat. I don’t want to fix something he hates or thinks is stupid. Being from California, I think he might eat a little differently than I do. I’m not the biggest fan of steak, but this is Texas so I’m thinking that’s the way to go. I walk up to the meat counter and look at all the different cuts of meat. Thank goodness we had a southern cook at home and I know how to cook that way. I also got into her way of talking, like saying y’all, which is why a lot of people think I'm from here.
Feeling completely lost, I know I need some help so I ask the guy next to me what he would like to eat if he had dinner being cooked for him. Right away he says ribeye steak and baked potato with asparagus. I thank him and he winks at me. I wink back, order my two steaks, and go off to look for the vegetables.
On second thought, I get two more just in case Madison and Connor show up. I don’t know why they would or why I think they would be together, but I want to be prepared. I saw some major sparks flying between them and she hasn’t said a word about him. That’s why I know she likes him. If she didn’t or just wanted him for sex, she would be saying crazy stuff like she usually does. I can tell he is a player and if something happens with them, I hope he doesn’t hurt her. I love my Maddie and even though she acts tough, she has a soft heart, which is why she doesn’t let guys get too close.
I wish I could be like that, but I’m not built that way. No, I’m here in the market spending a buttload of money to cook a dinner for a beautiful guy that makes my heart beat crazily. I don’t know why that makes me think of dessert, but it does. Well, maybe I do…Jayson makes me think of dessert anytime I look at him. Good grief, I’m a horn dog today!
I decide to make brownies and top it off with vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup. I’m not thinking of Jayson and chocolate syrup together at all. The queen of avoidance is definitely in full court today so I shove this thought from my mind. Once I have all my ingredients, I get in line at the register and prepare to give them a portion of my life savings once I’m checked out. Sheesh, who in the world pays this much for food? I probably should have gone to Kroger, but I love the ambience of the Epicurean Market. It’s just one dinner so I think I might recover financially. I see the princess of sarcasm has joined her mother, the avoidance queen. Shaking my head at my crazy thoughts, I begin putting my bags in my car. I catch my image in the rearview mirror and I can’t quit smiling. Who knows, maybe my life is going to change?
I get to our apartment and Madison is there watching TV. I was hoping to avoid this for a while, but I know what’s coming. Time to face the music and talk to my girl.
“Hey, what are you watching?”
Without looking at me, she says, “I dvr’d ‘Revolution’ because I knew there was no way I could watch it at night.”
I decide this is perfect; I can distract her with her favorite show. “Is this episode a good one?”
She rolls her eyes and says, “Yeah, nice try, Chloe. What is going on with you and sexy #2?”
For a minute, I’m puzzled and then I realize what she means. “Um, I think you mean, sexy #1; Connor is #2.”
She pauses the TV and says, “He is not; he was born first so that makes Jayson #2.”
I don’t quite know how to answer her so I concentrate on putting up my groceries. But, like the little scrapper that she is, she doesn’t give up. Instead, she comes in the kitchen and stands there with her eyebrow arched and her hand on her hip. I know that there is no way out of this so I finish putting up the food and drag her into the living room.
We sit down on the sofa and I say, “I don’t know what is going on with him. We met this morning in my Psych class and he was in my favorite seat.”
She cracks up because she knows how crazy I am about that particular desk. I try to act mad and yell, “Shut up, skank!” She keeps laughing, but suddenly gets serious when she sees my face. I twist my hands in my lap and look down. “Honestly, Maddie, I’m freaking out. I don’t know what he wants. He has acted interested from the beginning, but you know I can’t have a relationship.”
At this, she scowls and asks, “Why the hell not?”
I roll my eyes at her question because we have had this conversation before. “You know exactly why the hell not. Oh, Jayson, do you want to be my boyfriend? I have so many endearing qualities. My parents disowned me, I’m riddled with guilt and can’t sleep, and by the way, I’m a murd…”
Before I can finish my sentence, she punches me in the arm and yells, “SHUT UP, CHLOE! I don’t want to hear that shit again!”
I’m so shocked I can’t get my mouth to move. Realizing, I’m not going to agree, she throws up her hands and runs to her room. I hear the door slam and it makes me feel like the lowest form of shit. I know how she feels about my situation and that was definitely the wrong thing to say. Sometimes I forget how my self-loathing upsets her; yeah, I’m self-absorbed. I want to go to her, but I know that isn’t the right thing to do. So, I get in bed and try to get some sleep because I can’t deal with all of this emotion. I just want to snuggle in my down comforter and think of beautiful green eyes. Like Scarlet O’Hara, I’ll think about it tomorrow.