Chapter Twenty
For a while, it was almost like old times, and it allowed both of them to forget. Issac had suggested that they meet at their favorite bowling place, and although Ilse had certain misgivings about it, she had agreed. It wasn’t like she had any choice anyway.
When Issac arrived, she hadn’t been quite sure how to start, and as if sensing her unease, Issac suggested that they warm up with a game. It had been so outrageous that she couldn’t help asking incredulously, “Have you forgotten I’m blind?”
“Of course I haven’t,’ Issac had retorted. “But just because you’re blind doesn’t mean you can no longer play. I just need to help you.”
And it actually worked.
Issac would start by guiding her to the lane, and during the first throw, she didn’t need his help at all.
She could easily picture the way the pins were arranged in her mind, and she only had to keep the image in her mind when throwing the ball.
3 times out of 10 she had actually managed to get a strike, and it had given Ilse such an incredible feeling of accomplishment that she couldn’t stop herself from jumping up and down while yelling with excitement.
“I did it! I did it!”
“You did.” Issac was laughing.
She turned to his voice, saying with a grin, “Give me a high-five.” She put her hand out, his hand slapped hers, and it was really just like old times.
On the instances she didn’t hit a strike, Issac would tell her how the pins were positioned, and again she would recreate it in her mind before throwing. The first few times, her ball went straight to the gutter, but as Ilse’s accuracy in visualizing the arrangement improved, so did her throw.
When their game finally ended, she had managed a more than a respectable score that was only two strikes away from Issac’s, and she called out impulsively, “Issac?”
“What is it?”
“Come closer.”
After a moment’s hesitation, Issac stepped forward. “Here.” He watched tensely as she slowly reached out for him, and he couldn’t help stiffening even more when her hands touched his chest.
“Ilse—-” He broke off when she suddenly threw her arms around his neck.
“Thank you, Issac.” Her arms around him tightened. “Thank you for making me feel normal.”
Ah. His arms slowly closed around her. “I’m all for making you happy,” he muttered under his breath, “but I can’t lie.”
Ilse stilled.
“You’re never normal to me.” His arms loosened and he pulled back, needing to look at her even though he knew that her eyes might never meet his the way they once had. “You’ll always be extraordinary to me, Ilse. Always...ethereal.”
Her lovely full lips slowly curved in a smile that was pure Ilse. “Careful, Issac. Or I might think you’re being sycophantic for a reason.”
In spite of everything, Issac couldn’t keep himself from chuckling. “You don’t ever run out of big words, do you?”
“No, I don’t.” As she spoke, she reached for her phone, and he watched her fingers move over the screen like she could see every button.
She asked Siri for the time, and at Siri’s reply, Ilse glanced at Issac in dismay.
“I didn’t realize so much time’s already passed.
I promised Jan I’d pick him up from school today and we’d eat out. ”
“Oh.” Doing his best to hide his disappointment, he said instead, “That’s okay. Maybe we can just go out again. You only have to say when and where.”
“I’d love that.” But her voice was faint, her smile vague, and Issac knew her mind was focused on something else completely.
“Shall I walk you to your car?”
Ilse appeared startled then grateful, her unseeing eyes shining. “Yes, please.” She offered him her hand – the gesture speaking of practicality rather than self-pity – and Issac took it silently, not trusting himself to speak.
It had only been over a month since she had lost her eyesight, and yet Ilse was acting like she’d had an eternity to accept and move past the fact.
They walked to the parking lot in companionable silence, and by the time they reached her car, Issac had almost convinced himself that he had been wrong. She had not asked to meet him out of the blue because of that. She had only wanted to catch up with him, just like she had said.
And yet when he turned to tell her that they had made it to her car and it was time for them to part, that was when Issac realized he had been wrong.
She hadn’t been quiet because things were okay between them.
She had been quiet because—-
Her wet brown eyes met Issac’s, almost like her heart allowed her to see, and she choked out, “I’m sorry.”
The sight of the tears running down her face stunned him. Once upon a time, he had dreamt of having some kind of “first” with Ilse. He had dreamt of being her first date, her first kiss – any kind of first.
And now, he had it, but God, it was not what he wanted. He never wanted this.
“Ilse...” His voice was hoarse.
And still, she kept crying in silence, and the sight ravaged him.
He suddenly remembered how she had been on the day of her parents’ funeral.
She had been nineteen, and despite being clueless and grieving, she hadn’t allowed herself to cry.
Instead, Ilse had smiled back when people smiled at her, had laughed when the people needed to hear her laugh, and she had only nodded when people unknowingly, selfishly forbade her to show weakness by telling her they believed she would be strong for Jan.
And she had.
She hadn’t only faced insurmountable odds, but she had overcome them, too.
She was strong – the strongest person he had ever known – so why...why, goddammit, why did she look like she was about to shatter now?
“Ilse.”
The tears fell faster, and he could no longer help it. He hauled her into his arms, and she clung to him, sobs wracking her body, and it was another first he didn’t want, another first that did not and would never feel right.
“Issac.” She said his name like it was a cry for help, and oh God, it wasn’t fucking right.
His arms tightened around her. “I’m here,” he said rawly. “I’m always here for you.”
She raised unseeing eyes to his, and all the pain in the world was in it.
Ah God.
He suddenly felt like he was on the verge of breaking, too.
“Anything you need, Ilse.” His voice was fierce. “Anything you goddamn need—-”
“Issac—-”
“Because I’m yours.”
Ilse choked back a sob. “Please...please don’t say that.”
“My promises were empty before, but not now, Ilse. I’m yours.” His hand shook as he carefully wiped the tears that continued to stain her cheeks. “So anything—-”
“I think,” she said brokenly, “you already know.”
Ah.
“D-don’t you?” Ilse swallowed hard. “You know w-what I wanted to talk to you about.” Her teeth sank into her lower lip as she did her best to stop crying. “No one w-wants to tell me a t-thing, but I know. I know something’s wrong even if I can’t see it.”
She tried to swallow back another sob, but the pain was too much to keep inside, and another cry went past her throat.
“Ilse...”
“Please, Issac,” she whispered. “Please. You’re the only one I trust to tell me the truth.”
Silence.
Such long, damning silence.
“I’m sorry, Ilse.” Issac’s voice was harsh. “He’s been seen leaving the hotel room of an ex-girlfriend.”
And Ilse shattered.
He caught her before she fell, and he held her tightly to him, even knowing that he was not the one she needed.
Goddamn you, Jaak de Konigh.
Angels weren’t made to cry.