Chapter Eighteen
CADE
It wasn’t news to me that I was weak.
I was weak in Hell, unable to be enough of a demon to earn the respect of others.
Then when I came to Earth, I thought that would change until my weakness was exposed all over again in the form of a human I cared about—Nikki.
I simply couldn’t keep myself from seeing her, even though I knew she probably needed some space, if she wanted to see me again at all.
None of that was enough to keep me from her front door when I was in pain as the wounds inflicted to destroy my pentagram healed slowly.
Beyond the physical pain was the emotional torment that plagued me, guilt that cut deeper than the claws that had shredded the skin on my chest. Every step I had taken had only made things harder for Nikki when all I wanted to do was release her from her burdens.
I was weak.
And I was too weak to keep my demon form contained when all the pain came to the surface.
When the physical and emotional trauma rose, I had to grit my teeth and clench my jaw against the feeling that I was being attacked from the inside, a thousand dangers working their way through my heart, lungs, and gut.
Once the transformation started, I couldn’t stop it, and my shoulders shook with the pain of seeing Nikki there, her back to me, trembling with the adrenaline that ran through her body.
She was reacting to the sounds and sense of me, feelings she couldn’t explain.
Darkness and foreboding filled her home that can only be brought on by the presence of a demon.
I should have run before she turned around, but the pain was still tearing through my body, shooting up and down my limbs and settling the heaviest on my chest. The transformation, additionally painful because I continued to fight it, had ripped open the wounds that had only begun healing, and the red lines of demonic power that marked my skin blurred into the blood that stained my chest.
I didn’t think I’d ever be able to erase from my mind the terror in her eyes when she saw me.
There wasn’t a scream, no sound escaped her, although her mouth fell open as though she wanted to. All the terror was caught in her throat, and only a weak squeak escaped, a murmur of not understanding.
Leave, my mind was screaming at me. Run before you do any more damage.
“I’m sorry,” I said in this form, unable to control the sound of my voice. She flinched at the tone, all gravel, fire, and darkness wrapped together with an ethereal quality.
“C-Cade?” The stuttered whisper shattered my already broken heart, and when I reached for her, Nikki flinched again, wrapping her arms around her chest and backing against the opposite wall. I dropped my hand, the claws and barbs making me sick simply to look at myself.
Still, I felt I needed to explain. I couldn’t leave her like this.
“Your father wasn’t a good man, and in the afterlife, he came to me.
” Nikki squeaked out a weak protest, even faced with me in my true form, her streak of stubbornness made itself known.
“I’m sorry,” I said it again but knew the words would never be enough. “I wish things had been different.”
There was nothing I could do to comfort her.
The best thing right now would be to get away from her so she can heal and move on.
Hell, I shouldn’t have even come to her home in the first place.
With a roar of rage and pain that had Nikki sliding down the wall until she was tucked into the corner, I stalked out of her home and sprinted down the street.
I needed to find somewhere dark and private to ride out these emotions until I could change back again.
NIKKI
How long I stayed curled up in the corner like a child, I don’t really know. There was no whirlwind of thoughts running through my mind and no connections being made of all the things I’d found out recently.
In my mind, there was simply nothing.
Because all the space was occupied by the repeating visions of the man I knew as Cade, turning into a terrifying beast and standing before me, apologizing for what he had done, for what he was.
Skin darker than the space between stars, darker than the corner in your room that seems to haunt you at night, teasing the presence of a monster you can’t see.
Skin lined with red tattoos that traced across his body in intricate patterns that would be almost beautiful if it weren’t for how they all led to his chest, now a bloodied mess.
But the eyes, the yellow eyes with black slits for pupils, were like a cat’s or some creature from a horror movie. Why did I feel like I could still see Cade behind those eyes? That was impossible. Although he was in that monster somewhere, he was no longer Cade.
And never would be again.
In the afterlife, he came to me.
Had I fucked the Devil?
Eventually, I lifted myself to my feet, my arm shaking as I supported myself against the wall, my body burdened and heavy with dread and confusion.
Lurching forward, I stumbled into the kitchen and dropped to my knees, searching the cupboards, barely keeping the contents of my stomach where they should be.
There had to be something here, something I could numb my mind with.
Because after the period of emptiness, all the thoughts were coming back now, each fighting for a position at the front and demanding to be sorted.
Hell exists. Heaven and Hell. My father was a bad man.
He went to Hell. He met Cade there. What of the man who killed him and threatened me?
Was he even human? Did Cade know who he was?
Should I keep trying to find the murderer?
The truth always comes out. If this was the truth, I didn’t want it.
But I needed to find justice. For who? Me? My father? I never even knew him.
I sobbed, biting the inside of my cheek to stop the sound.
Did anything even matter anymore?
With a sigh of relief, I wrapped my fingers around the dusty glass neck of the whiskey bottle.
I hated whiskey, which was why the gifted bottle after my graduation from the academy remained untouched in the cupboard.
But right now, I needed something, anything, to stop the thoughts.
I didn’t want to think or feel, and when I cracked open the lid, I ignored the smell that made my nose scrunch as I raised the bottle to my lips and took half a dozen grateful mouthfuls of the liquid.
Barely avoiding dropping the bottle, I leaned back against the opposite cupboard and coughed against the burn in my throat. Apparently, aging cheap whiskey does nothing to improve it.
I drank. Not caring that I hadn’t eaten in a while and that my aversion to dark spirits meant my tolerance was low. I simply kept drinking. After a short while, the press of the cupboard handle in between my shoulder blades was nothing more than a memory, and my eyelids started to droop.
Eventually, I’d pass out, and then tomorrow, I would have enough whiskey left to keep me numb until I made it to the liquor store, thankfully within walking distance.
I had the urge to drive to the graveyard to see my father because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to scream at the ground and simply hope his spirit in Hell below his rotting body in the soil could hear me or if I wanted to punch at the gravestone until my knuckles bled.
Maybe I’d take my new best friends, in the shape of bottles of numbing goodness, with me and continue this stupor.
How long could I go on like this?
It didn’t matter.
I couldn’t even think about dealing with this shit now or any time soon.
I had just enough awareness left to put the bottle down before I dropped it, as my vision slowly grayed from the edges, moving inward until the entire room felt like it was rolling around me.
Maybe I’d choke on my vomit and die while unconscious.
Then I’d see Cade and Hell, and he could explain to me why he ruined my life.