Twenty-Five #2
“No, I am.” Gillian laughed. “That’s the disaster, the death knell to the five-year plan, because I’ll have to create something from nothing. Turns out I don’t want to go back to academia. Maybe I haven’t for a long time, but without knowing what I wanted to do instead, it was hard to admit.”
“And what do you want instead?”
“You.” Gillian kissed her again. “You’ve been such a challenge to my entire worldview, and I feel more alive than I have in a long time.
I guess I’m reaching for more of that. I want a full life.
I want to keep building things from scratch like I built this practice.
I want to take on projects that excite me and be around people who inspire me, and to answer your question from earlier, I do want a family. ”
Daphne’s heart kicked her ribs with great force. “You do? You’re not just saying it because I pushed you?”
“I’m definitely saying it because you pushed me, but that doesn’t make it any less true.
” Gillian pressed her forehead to Daphne’s tenderly.
“I don’t know how it’ll all work out, or how we’ll work together, but I want us to, and I trust that I can figure it out, because you’re with me and you’re amazing at figuring things out.
If you can make a queer family and a snuggery work, I think you can probably do good things with me, too. ”
“I can,” Daphne said emphatically. “I know I can, and I guess we both did some growing today, because I’m not sure I would’ve had this kind of faith in myself earlier, but you’ve hired some great therapists.
Tegan convinced me I shouldn’t shy away from my strengths, either.
I think they go great with yours, and I want to build something with you, too. ”
“Tegan talked to you about a relationship with me?” Gillian smiled wistfully. “That’s a bit of a full-circle moment. Remind me to give her a raise … just kidding, I always pay a fair wage, and I have a great benefits package.”
“Of course you do,” Daphne laughed. “So many benefits.”
This time when Gillian kissed her again, rolling her onto her back and pressing her into the mattress where it had all begun, Daphne had no more inclination to question.
Somehow, hearing this woman admit she didn’t have all the answers had been exactly the answer she’d needed in order to find her own.
Gillian must have dozed off in Daphne’s arms again. This was becoming a habit, one she was not inclined to break, only this time when she opened her eyes, the room wasn’t completely dark, nor was it completely quiet.
“Her car’s parked outside. It wasn’t here earlier,” Brooke’s voice carried down the hall.
“But her office is still closed,” Tegan replied.
“Daphne’s is open,” Robin added.
Gillian’s whole body tensed, one step ahead of her brain. Grabbing the comforter, she pulled it over both of them, startling Daphne awake right as her friends stuck their heads into the room.
Everyone froze, and, for a second, Gillian prayed if they lay completely still, they might not be able to see them under the covers in the dim light.
That absurd notion evaporated when Robin broke first. “Oh, hell yes!”
Daphne buried her head in the crook of Gillian’s arm. “All that talk about locking the front door didn’t account for some people having keys.”
Gillian sighed as everything in her seemed to liquify, as if she might melt from the horror of it all before muttering. “There’s no policy for this. None at all.”
Still, her friends and colleagues stood in the doorway, seemingly too shocked to process this any better than she.
“What a great opportunity to practice your new favorite coping skill,” Daphne whispered.
She could barely process the comment, what with her brain on fire, but after a few seconds, she remembered her commitment to not freaking out and almost laughed. The universe had a sick sense of humor to test her resolve so thoroughly so quickly.
“Should we …” Brooke seemed to be trying to do her own coping. “I think … how about we step out for a moment and give all of ourselves a moment to collect … ourselves?”
“I’m fine.” Sawyer grinned, then stooped down to pick Gillian’s sweater off the floor. “But if these two need a moment to collect their clothing, I’ll allow it.”
“Yeah.” Tegan caught Robin by the arm and pulled her back. “Everyone can collect whatever they need to, and we’ll meet in the waiting room.”
“Take your time,” Brooke added as she shut the door behind her.
“Oh my God.” Daphne placed a hand squarely on Gillian’s chest. “Are you okay? Are you breathing?”
“Yes to the breathing. Jury’s still out on the ‘okay’ part.”
“How’s the not-freaking-out holding up?”
“Tentative.” She glanced around the room, trying to anchor herself to the present, then did a quick inventory.
Her pulse was elevated and her shoulders knotted, but she was able to clench and unclench her fists and jaw.
She rolled her head from side to side, then sat up slowly.
“Okay, I’m moving. I have control of my muscles.
I’m getting oxygen. I’m functioning physically.
Now I need to get my mental faculties back online. ”
Daphne sat up next to her. “You’re doing great.”
Outside the door, voices rose indistinctly before someone shushed everyone loudly enough to be heard through the walls. Then everything fell silent again.
“Do you think they know about the no-freaking-out policy?” Daphne stage-whispered.
Gillian’s lips quirked up. “I may have to go explain it, along with several other things.”
“I believe in you.” Daphne kissed her cheek. “You’ve got this.”
Gillian started to object, but the words didn’t come. Turns out, she believed in herself, too. This was going to be awkward, but she had a feeling she’d already survived the worst of it.
Climbing out of bed, she pieced her outfit back together and straightened her wrinkled clothes as best she could before taking a few deep breaths, while Daphne did the same. Then taking her hand and giving it a squeeze of assurance, they stepped across the hall into the waiting room.
Her friends were doing a terrible job of acting casual, but at least Brooke had managed to put on a pot of coffee.
Tegan sat in a chair looking everywhere but directly at her, while Sawyer and Robin sat on the desk together, appearing like they were using every combined resource between them not to cackle.
“Okay.” Gillian lifted her chin. “So, I’m sure there are questions.”
“So many,” Tegan muttered, staring at the ceiling.
“But they don’t all have to be answered tonight,” Brooke said. “We certainly didn’t mean to barge in on you. We were concerned after you canceled sessions and didn’t answer your phone. We were going out to dinner to talk about what to do when we saw your car here.”
“It’s fine,” Gillian said. “I was in a long meeting this afternoon, and I did see missed calls, but I wanted to talk to Daphne first, and then we, sort of … lost track of time.”
Robin snickered. “I know it’s not a euphemism, but it kind of feels like one.”
Gillian shook her head. “I’m sorry I didn’t keep you all in the loop, but there wasn’t a loop until a couple of days ago, and I didn’t really understand much until today.”
“You don’t owe us anything,” Brooke said gently.
“I do.” Gillian sank onto the couch, not sure she had the strength left to remain upright through this next part.
“I actually owe you a lot, so much gratitude for all the support you’ve given me, some apologies for how I’ve held you at arm’s length, probably some explanations about how and why I let myself slip further and further away.
I’m not sure any of those things will stand up to scrutiny, and I’m not sure I made conscious choices, but it’s clear to me now I chose to focus too much on work instead of our relationships. ”
Tegan finally turned to face her, and even Robin’s cheeky expression softened as she said, “You’re the world’s best boss.”
“Thank you, but I wish I’d focused more on being the world’s best friend. Instead, I tried to make everything cut-and-dried; the practice, our clients, the rules, my own standards. I’ve been moving through life like I’m puddle-jumping from one crisis to another.”
Brooke blew out a heavy breath. “Maybe that’s because we’ve put you through one crisis after another.”
“You haven’t,” Gillian said quickly. “I convinced myself you had, but Daphne helped me see you didn’t do anything to me.
We all went through some stuff together.
None of it should’ve been a crisis on my end.
You weren’t asking me to solve anything or fix anything.
All any of you needed from me was faith and support and presence. ”
“But being the one everyone turns to all the time can take a toll,” Tegan said. “We could’ve done a better job of supporting you, too.”