Twenty-Five #3
“I didn’t welcome that,” Gillian admitted.
“I wanted to be seen as unflappable, and I think I took solace in being the one you trusted to steer the ship. I still want that, but I never wanted to make any of you feel like your lives and your relationships were an imposition on me. Your friendship never has been. I love you all so much, I wanted to give you the best, but in trying to do so, I started to treat some of your most human traits and interactions like problems I needed to manage. Brooke, Tegan, I should’ve been a friend before I became a boss, and Robin and Sawyer, I got so caught up trying to force all the old pieces back into place, I didn’t even notice you two were building something bigger. ”
“That’s the way it goes,” Sawyer said. “We didn’t know, either, until we did. We all figure things out in our own time.”
“I’m done trying to figure things out for everyone else.” She cast Daphne a sideways grin. “I may not even be trying to figure everything out for myself all the time. There’s a new thing I’m trying to learn.”
“Yeah?” Robin bounced a bit on the desk. “What’s that?”
“Well …” Gillian glanced around the room, still not believing what she was about to say to every mental health professional she most respected simultaneously.
“This may sound revolutionary, but apparently when I start to feel myself freaking out about all the things I don’t know about the future or another person, I can choose to just not. ”
All her friends exchanged bemused looks, then burst out laughing.
“I know,” she called over the top of them. “The methodology is a little undeveloped.”
“Not at all,” Sawyer said, still holding their side. “I like it.”
“Me too.” Robin said. “Let’s all try. Everyone who’s freaked out about finding our boss and best buddy, post-bang session with our other friend, who is also her archnemesis, let’s just not do that.”
“Okay.” Tegan took a deep breath in through her nose and out through her mouth, then gave her shoulders a little shake. “Letting go. Nothing to freak out about, and … I’m doing it. Totally okay.”
“I was already there,” Sawyer added. “I never started freaking out in the first place. I mean, I’m curious about how this happened and what exactly is happening, but I’m a fan.”
“We’ve had a few … incidents over the last two weeks, and things escalated in the past couple of days, but, honestly, we didn’t make any official declarations until this evening,” Gillian said. “It’s one of those trajectories that makes most sense in retrospect.”
“I dig it.” Robin said. “Like going all the way back to the first day when we all kept thinking there was something there, but you two swore there wasn’t, when what none of us knew was that there was something that hadn’t come to the surface yet.”
“So,” Tegan started. “Tonight, you two finally jumped into—”
“—bed!” Robin supplied.
“I was going to say ‘a relationship,’” Tegan corrected. “But sure, yeah, I mean you were also in bed. I’m not sure we can pretend not to know that, but I guess I’m more asking about what’s the status going forward.”
“Great question,” Gillian said, “and one we’re figuring out. We want to make something work. We love each other enough to have faith in our ability to do that, even though we don’t know all the details or even have a plan yet, which is one more thing on the Just Not list of concerns right now.”
“That’s amazing. I love this new philosophy for you. You’re turning my freak-out into a geek-out,” Robin said. “Should we high-five?”
“No.” Brooke said flatly.
Gillian turned to her, the concern on her best friend’s features making her stomach tighten. “It’s okay if you’re not there yet, Brookesy. It’s a lot.”
“It is,” Brooke said slowly, “which isn’t a bad thing. I don’t think any of this is a bad thing. But I’ve known you a long time, and I worry about you as much as you worry about me. This seems all very sudden and out of character.”
“Sounds like the start of another relationship I know,” Tegan cut in.
Brooke smiled faintly. “The irony isn’t lost on me. Out of character can be a great thing, but I’m wondering if just not will be enough to sustain you in a long-term relationship?”
“I don’t know, but I want it to,” Gillian said evenly, the confidence she’d so recently decided to forgo rising inside her.
“I’m not sure how any of this will play out, but I’m sure I want to be with Daphne more than I want certainty or a clear path.
I want to muddle through the messy, making-something-new stages with Daphne more than I want to hold onto my neat and tidy life.
I want to wake up wherever she is, and I want to lie in bed with her more than I want to get up and go to the gym or the office.
I want to be home for dinner with her more than I want to work late.
I want to hear her ribbing me or laughing or going on about cuddle therapy more than I want my peace and quiet.
It’s not that I don’t still want the well-ordered existence I’ve built for myself.
It’s just that I want her more, and I’m okay with letting that be enough for me, because she is more than enough for me.
What I feel for her is more than enough to sustain me through the uncertainty ahead. ”
“And that right there is enough for me.” Brooke’s smile exploded. “God, I’ve missed this side of you.”
Gillian got up and crossed the room, wrapping her in a hug. “I’ve missed this part of me, too.”
Sawyer wrapped around them next. “Welcome back.”
Soon everyone joined in laughing, hugging, jostling one another around, until somewhere amid the cacophony Gillian locked eyes with Daphne, and mouthed a silent “thank you.”