Chapter 27 #2
“Don’t play stupid.” He waved a gloved hand, then squirted some water in his mouth. “You know what I’m asking.”
I did, yeah. I didn’t want to talk about it, though. I didn’t even want to think about it.
On the other hand, Mülly would understand the bind I was in. Maybe he’d never experienced something like this firsthand, but he knew all about the pressures of professional hockey.
I chewed my lip as I watched Connor skating lazily behind the goal, collecting pucks with Emilia. Without turning to Mülly, I said, “I got a PTO offer. From the NAL.”
He sucked in air. “You did? That’s amazing! That’s—wait, why aren’t you happy about this? It’s not San Diego, is it?”
I managed a halfhearted laugh. “No, not San Diego. Vancouver.” I ran a hand through my sweaty hair. “I’m just… not sure what to do. Because of…” I nodded toward Connor.
Mülly glanced that way, and then he seemed to connect the dots. “Ooh. Shit.”
“Yeah. Exactly what you warned me about.” I shook my head. “And now I don’t know what to do.”
“Don’t you?”
I looked at him, eyebrows up.
Mülly studied me. Then he sighed, pushing out a thin cloud of vapor into the air. “Are you really going to choose a hockey contract over…” He tipped his head emphatically toward Connor.
Fuck. When he put it like that…
“I don’t want to choose anything over him. But it’s not that simple, is it?”
“Isn’t it?” Mülly glanced toward his wife and my boyfriend.
Facing me again, he said, “I would never give up Emilia for any contract. No way in hell. And she’s said many times she wouldn’t choose a contract over me either.
Not even when the women’s league in North America has made noise about signing her.
We’d never give each other up for hockey. ”
“Of course you wouldn’t.” I absently prodded at the boards with my stick. “But you’ve been together for how long? Connor and I—we’ve only just started.”
“Have you, though?”
I peered at him.
Mülly shrugged. “I don’t know all your history with him. For all I know, he was a Tinder hookup from two months ago. But the way you two interact…” He shook his head. “You’re not just two guys who just met.”
My throat tightened, though I wasn’t sure why. “No, we didn’t just meet. But we were out of each other’s lives for years. We just crossed paths again in Prague. This is…” My gaze drifted to Connor, and I ran out of words.
“Mads.” Mülly squeezed my shoulder through my gear. “I know you have the dream to play in North America. And you’ve got that opportunity now.” He nodded at Connor. “But when are you going to have another opportunity like that?”
A lump rose in my throat as I shook my head. “I don’t want another opportunity like that. I want him.”
“Of course you do.”
I swallowed hard. “What the hell do I do with the contract, then? Because if I reject it, I won’t get another one of those, either.”
He seemed to think about it. “Maybe you need to tell the League.”
“Tell—you mean, tell them I’m seeing Connor?”
Mülly nodded. “Let them decide if it’s a dealbreaker.”
I chewed my lip. “What if it is?”
“Do you think you can be with him if it is? Without resenting him?”
“I…” I watched Connor again. It was impossible to imagine resenting him.
At the same time, emotions could be weird.
A few months ago, I hadn’t imagined being in love with him like this.
Who knew what I’d feel in another six months?
Especially if I was watching the NAL play on without me while I stayed in Genève?
“Does he know?” Mülly asked. “About the PTO?”
I nodded slowly. “Yeah. He does.”
“What does he suggest?”
“He’s not sure either. He’s… I mean, he became a ref because he hated the favoritism and corruption. The whole reason he’s a ref is to be the fair and objective official his dad deserved.” Shaking my head, I whispered, “How do I ask him to do this?”
“Continue dating while you’re both in the League? Who has to know?” Mülly shrugged. “What’s that expression—it’s better to beg forgiveness than ask permission?”
I frowned. “Do you really think the NAL looks at it that way?”
“Do you really think they’ll publicly say they’re cutting a player or an official loose over a gay relationship? Maybe five or ten years ago, they would have, but nobody wants that publicity these days.”
“They don’t have to say that’s why they’re cutting us loose.”
Mülly quirked his lips. “Okay. Okay, that’s true.” He glanced toward Connor before facing me again. “Think about it seriously, Mads. There has to be a way you can have the NAL contract and Connor. But if there isn’t… man, don’t be an idiot and make the wrong decision.”
I swallowed against the lump in my throat.
Mülly took another drink, then skated back toward center ice, pulling on his gloves as he did. I squirted some more water into my own mouth, hoping the cold would help center me and get past this stupid lump of emotions that I didn’t need right now.
And of course, that was the exact moment Connor appeared beside me. He flashed me a sweet smile as he picked up his water.
Jesus. How did I ever think I wasn’t in love with you?
Fortunately, he couldn’t hear my internal thoughts. Tipping his water bottle toward the goal, he grinned wickedly. “So. You think you two can beat me and Emilia this time?”
Beat—you expect me to concentrate on hockey? Now? With you here and that contract hanging over our heads?
But I managed to laugh, and I bumped his skate with my stick. “Don’t get cocky. That’s when people lose.”
“Oh yeah?” He arched an eyebrow. “Is that why we beat you two so easily? You got cocky?”
“Oh fuck you.” I rolled my eyes, and he cackled, unaware of what that did to my heart.
Yes, playing in the NAL again was my professional dream. As a hockey player, it was everything to me. I was getting a second chance at something few people ever got in the first place.
But sweaty red hair and freckles and blue-gray eyes…
“I don’t want another opportunity like that,” my words to Mülly echoed in my ears. “I want him.”
As we skated out to join Mülly and Emilia, my heart pounded beneath my chest protector.
So did I risk resenting him because I’d given up my dream?
Or sign up for a lifetime of regret because I chose hockey over the man I loved?
What the hell do I do?