Chapter 27
MADARS
I’d had entire relationships that didn’t involve as much sex as we’d had since he’d arrived in Spain, and I was in heaven. It was a miracle I could still skate whenever we joined Mülly and Emilia at the rink, but I had no complaints at all.
And tonight I’d finally said it. I’d told Connor I loved him. He’d told me he loved me too! This was fucking amazing.
So was lying beside him in bed after I had, as promised, come in him twice. He was curled against me, his head on my shoulder, and we’d both dozed off for a little while. Now I was awake and he was still breathing softly and slowly.
Closing my eyes, I smiled and ran my fingertips up and down his arm.
I tried to imagine how seventeen-year-old me would’ve reacted to peering into the future and seeing Connor and me like this.
The thought made me chuckle. That version of me had been way too focused on two things—hockey and horniness—to even imagine a future with someone.
Then again, if someone had asked me back then to imagine that future, I wondered if I’d have pictured myself with Connor.
Well, whatever the future had looked like to teenage Madars, here I was, lying in bed in a Spanish villa, ridiculously in love with Connor.
I still wasn’t sure how a long-distance relationship would work in practice.
I knew a lot of players who did—in Switzerland, I played with guys from Norway, Austria, Denmark, and France, and they made it work with their partners.
A former teammate’s fiancée had been in Canada, and the captain of Lausanne’s women’s team was married to a goalie in California.
So, I knew the transoceanic thing could and did work.
I had no doubt Connor and I could make it work.
And I mean, we’d been making it work since Prague, hadn’t we? So it wouldn’t take much to—
My phone trilled to life.
Normally, I wouldn’t bother with my phone when I was in bed with someone, but there were a few ringtones that let me know a call was too important to ignore.
I carefully untangled myself from Connor and reached for the nightstand.
“Hmm? What?” Connor murmured. “Is that your phone or mine?”
“Mine.” I picked it up. “It’s my agent.”
Connor immediately let go. No argument. No objection.
I accepted the call in Latvian. “Sveiki, Kirils.”
He didn’t beat around the bush, and there was a grin in his voice as he asked, “How do you feel about playing in North America?”
In the same instant, excitement shot through me and my blood turned cold. A chance to play in the NAL? Fuck yes!
Except… I was in bed with an NAL ref. Not ideal.
I glanced at Connor, who was watching me curiously. To Kirils, I said in Latvian, “You know I want to.”
“I do, and I just got off the phone with Vancouver’s general manager. They’d like to offer you a professional tryout for the upcoming season.”
I had never experienced more mixed emotions at once than I did in that moment. My heart slammed into my ribs as I felt around for Connor’s hand. He closed his fingers around mine, the contact soothing even as it sent guilt and panic swirling through me.
I swept my tongue across my lips. “Are you serious?”
“Yes. They need an answer soon—free agency is starting in North America, and Vancouver is limited on cap space. They need to know if they’re signing you or not.”
“I, uh…”
“What is there to think about, Madars?” my agent chuckled. “This is what you’ve been wanting. Why the hesitation now?”
I flicked my gaze to Connor, who watched me with an expression full of concern and confusion. “How, um…” I cleared my throat. “How long do I have to decide?”
A sharp sigh came down the line. “Free agency starts on Tuesday. So… seventy-two hours?”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I exhaled. “Okay. Okay, just let me think about things? It’s what I want but it’s still a big decision. You know that.”
He tsked. “I’ll send over the contract for you to look at. Don’t sit on this one too long, Mads. Chances like this aren’t going to come your way often, and they’re not going to wait forever for you to make a decision.”
Then he ended the call, and I swore in Latvian.
Connor’s hand landed on my shoulder. “Hey. What’s going on? Is everything okay?”
I took a deep breath before I faced him. As I slid my hand into his, I whispered, “Vancouver’s offering me a PTO.”
“Seriously?” His face lit up. “That’s great! That’s amazing! God, Madars, it sounded like someone had died. What’s—”
But then his eyes darted down. To our joined hands. To our naked bodies.
“Oh, fuck,” he breathed.
“Yeah. I…” Shaking my head, I exhaled. “I’m sorry. We were…” I gestured at ourselves and the bed. “We were relaxing, and now my head is…” I didn’t know how to explain it.
“It’s okay.” He gathered me in his arms and kissed me softly. “This is important.”
I closed my eyes and leaned into his warmth. “I don’t know what to do.”
Connor stroked my hair. “You don’t have to make a decision right this minute, do you?”
Deflating a bit, I sighed. “I don’t have much time. Kirils says they won’t wait long. A couple of days, tops.”
“Fucking hell. But they know players have to review contracts and think about things, don’t they?”
“They do. To a point.” I drew back and looked at him. “Maybe he’s just erring on the side of caution. I don’t know. But he doesn’t want me to drag my feet on this.”
Connor touched my face. “You’re not dragging your feet.
It’s a huge decision, especially since you have to move across the damn ocean.
I mean, at least you have dual citizenship, so you don’t have to deal with the immigration shit like most European players, but the League has to be used to other players needing to figure out logistics. ”
“That can all be figured out after signing the contract, though. I signed my contract in Switzerland before we started dealing with visas.”
He scowled. “But… even still…” He flailed his free hand. “It’s a huge decision!”
“I know. And I can probably think on it for a day or two, but… I’m going to have to give him an answer sooner than later.”
Connor held my gaze and swallowed hard. The question in his eyes was impossible to miss.
I broke eye contact and stared down at our hands. “I don’t want to lose you.”
“But you’ve been wanting another shot with the NAL for years.” He squeezed my hand. “Baby, I would never ask you to give up your dream for me.”
“I know. I just…” I ran my free hand through my hair. “Fuck. There’s no way in hell they’ll let me play while I’m dating a ref.”
Connor flinched. “I’m sorry.”
“This isn’t your fault. We…” I wasn’t sure how to finish that. How to explain that if I hadn’t hurt my knee and believed my NAL dream was out of reach, I might not have let myself get in this deep with Connor.
I especially didn’t know how to explain it because it was a fucking lie.
Maybe it wouldn’t have been the best thing for my career, and maybe I’d have been knowingly putting myself in the position I was in now, but there was no ignoring the hold Connor had on me. There was no pretending I wasn’t drawn to him.
The only thing that had changed was that I hadn’t thought we’d end up here. I’d thought my NAL dream was out the window.
Sitting here now with Connor, the words “I love you” still tingling on my lips from earlier…
I couldn’t convince myself—or him—that I’d have done things differently.
I just had no idea what to do next.
“Why can’t you shoot like that when we’re playing an actual game?” I smacked Mülly’s shinpad as I skated past him. “When we can actually use the point?”
“I do,” he insisted. “But there’s always some masked asshole in the way.”
Connor laughed as he dug the puck out of the net. “So you’re saying if we had a goalie, we’d be up 4-0 instead of 4-1.”
Mülly flipped him off. Connor and Emilia cackled as they high-fived.
Mülly and I continued to fight valiantly, but Emilia was a sniper and Connor—despite being the only one here who wasn’t a professional hockey player—had no trouble holding his own. In under a minute, they’d notched a fifth goal, and that was game.
“First to five.” He and Emilia bumped fists. To us, he said, “You guys were welcome to show up any time.”
Mülly muttered something in German, though he was chuckling. “I thought you were just a ref. Why aren’t you playing hockey?”
Connor laughed and shook his head. “I can hold my own when it’s two-on-two and there’s no netminder. Put me on a team…” He grimaced.
“That’s all right, baby.” I touched the small of his back and bumped my helmet against his. “We’ll let you have this win.”
“Let me?” He scoffed and gave me a shove. “You fought like hell. You just couldn’t beat us.”
“Dick,” I grumbled.
He grinned and winked at me, and damn if my heart didn’t melt all over again. How had I ever not been ridiculously in love with this man?
“All right, let’s take a break,” Mülly said. “Then we’ll see if they can do a repeat performance.”
His wife laughed. “Of course we can. Even if you two show up this time.”
Mülly called her something that I was pretty sure translated to “brat,” and she giggled. While they skated a little to stay loose and Connor went to retrieve the puck from the net, I headed over to the bench for some water.
Grateful for the break, I leaned against the boards.
My knee was a little achy today, too. My doctors had told me that might be an issue for a while, so I wasn’t concerned about it, but it was annoying.
I’d put some ice on it when I got back to the villa, just to be on the safe side. Maybe even do a light swim in the pool.
I just didn’t want to sit still for too long, because then I’d start thinking. And I didn’t want to think right now. My mind kept going back to the same uncomfortable place, and I wasn’t ready to face any of that. Not now. Not while I was supposed to be enjoying my remaining time with Connor.
I was just putting my water bottle back in the holder when Mülly appeared beside me. He picked up his own water, but he also looked pointedly at me. “What’s going on?”
“What’s—”