Chapter 14
chapter
fourteen
“She moved on, but I never stopped bleeding her name, and all the parts she broke are the ones I need to survive.” – Cyrus
CYRUS
Dinner before a show is never quiet. It’s noise and nerves and the excited edge of performance buzzing through every breath.
As sick as I am of this life, this feeling is hard to match.
We’re always wired, but tonight…tonight something is different.
Haven is here with us and she has brought a light with her.
She sits at the table, phone in one hand, chopsticks in the other, eating lo mein and laughing at something Vex has said. I’ve rarely seen the bastard so friendly with anyone, not even us…the band. He is leaning too close, pointing at something on her phone.
Ash is on her other side, relaxed as hell, casually stealing bites from her takeout container like they are best friends.
And Haven? She is glowing. Not glam glowing. Just fucking alive and naturally beautiful. Her smile is totally infectious and goes right through me. She looks like she belongs here, like she’s always been part of this fucked-up family.
The guys are eating it up. Literally and figuratively.
She tilts the phone and starts filming, narrating like she’s shooting a documentary.
“Behind the scenes with Venomous. I know all you hungry bitches have been wanting this. And lucky for you…I’m just the girl to get all the juicy and steamy takes.
” She winks at the camera before laughing.
“I mean, look at these wild beasts in their natural habitat. Observe as Vex Monroe double-dips his spring roll,” she says, and then makes a face for the camera as if she might faint.
“It’s so hot how his tongue licks off the sweet sauce. ”
“Jesus…” Vex looks at his spring roll mid-bite and then at Haven, who has the camera firmly on him. Recovering, he leans in and glares at the camera like he might eat it next before giving it a wink. I can only imagine the reaction it will get online.
Ash raises his drink. “Ten bucks says she posts that and it gets more than Cy’s singing tutorials.”
I scoff from my corner. The teaching videos are not for money, but just something I like to do.
“Maybe if I start posting it as a thirst trap and lick the microphone while I teach, it will go viral.”
“Now that’s an idea, can you deep throat it?” Ledger calls out from across the room where he’s lounging. “We can get you one that vibrates.”
They all laugh. Haven included.
I don’t.
“Oh, I know, you can post one of those pics that Haven caught of you earlier and caption it, ‘When you’re dead inside, but still hot as fuck.’ Instant trend, and perfectly on brand for the great Cyrus Vale.”
His words stab me deeper than he knows. Everyone goes still as we glare at one another, the tension in the room shifting.
Eren nudges my shoulder. “Hey, did any of you notice how much time Vex took to style his hair tonight? It was longer than we take for rehearsal,” Eren says, trying to break the suddenly sober mood.
“Well, that explains the change to the set list with this new song, Slicked to perfection,” Ash says, making us all groan. “What? That was good, come on. It totally has a double meaning.”
“That title does match his love life, and the crate of lube that was delivered for him,” Ledger adds, and that does the trick. The tension fades as we all laugh.
“What the fuck, man? You know that was Eren fucking pranking me,” Vex grumbles, but smirks.
Ledger takes a sip of his beer. “Never proven.”
“Okay, I need to hear this story,” Haven says, as she keeps filming.
Ledger launches into the story about the April fool’s joke and Haven laughs so hard that tears run down her cheek, but her face is lit up with happiness.
Once the story is over she moves on and get clips of the table, close-ups of the guys, even a slow pan of the room, and I hate the way her eyes dance when she looks at Vex.
Hate that Ash touches her without thinking twice.
Hate that Ledger makes her laugh so hard she almost spits soda across the table.
Most of all, I hate that it makes me want to punch something…or someone, like no time has passed. I want to throw them over the balcony so that I can keep her all to myself.
Haven is mine.
No…she’s not mine. Some POS that goes by Charles has her. But I want her anyway.
I stand, grab a beer I don’t need, and shouldn’t drink, before wandering over to the window. The view overlooks the crowd gathering below. I like venues attached to a hotel. It lowers the risk of being mobbed.
Thousands of screaming fans are already clamoring to get in, a sea of neon signs and homemade shirts.
All of them are here for the show. It’s still hard to believe that we made it.
And no matter how many of them show up, or how many arenas we sell out, I still wonder if I’m good enough?
Or am I just another chump limping by on my looks and mimicking those who came before me and were far greater than I can ever be?
My eyes shift to Haven in the reflection. I try, but I can’t look away. The glass is just like real life, where she is a ethereal image that haunts me.
Ledger walks by and bumps my shoulder. “You okay, Cy?”
“Fine.”
“You look like you’re about to jump out the window,” Ledger says.
“Don’t tempt me,” I say, taking a swig of the beer.
He laughs, but there is a thread of caution in his tone.
“Do you think drinking is a good idea?” I glance at him.
“What are you trying to say?”
“I just mean with all the shit you’ve had going on lately and well…”
“My history?” I give him the full weight of my stare, as annoyance crawls up my spine.
“Well…yeah, and no. I’m just worried. I mean, you said yourself you are going to lay off the pain meds and alcohol.”
I look him up and down.
“Okay, mommy. I’ll be sure to keep that in mind.”
“Funny. You’re the one who said it, not me. I’m only looking out for you. You know being a friend. But do whatever the fuck you want, you will anyway.”
Ledger crosses his arms as we quietly square off.
He’s right, but the ache in my bones has been building all day, it’s a dial slowly turning up. It’s enough that I can’t ignore it anymore. One beer won’t kill me.
“You’re not subtle, you know,” he whispers, glancing over at Haven as he changes the topic.
“Subtle is boring.”
“Jealousy’s worse,” he says, gripping my shoulder. Ledger stares at me for a beat, but he moves along when I don’t answer.
I stay by myself. Because if I go over there, I may say something I can’t take back. And contrary to popular belief, I’m trying not to be confrontational.
Focusing on the crowd below helps. They are dancing as if the music is already playing, and my mind drifts to a different time.
“What the hell is she doing here?”
Haven is looking around, so obviously out of place at the beach party.
“Dude. How many times do I have to tell you that Haven is my friend? I asked her to come and want her here,” Patrick says, taking a sip of his drink.
I look up at him and groan. “Fine, whatever.”
“Be nice to her. I’m sick of being in the middle of you two. I don’t even know why you hate her.”
I don’t know either. I just do.
“Fine.”
He walks away, and Haven smiles wide, giving him a hug. It’s rare for her to join us, but it doesn’t take long for the two of them to slip into their old friendship. They chase each other in and out of the water, splashing around before dancing barefoot in the sand.
Jealousy burns in my gut as groups of guys stare at Haven in her cutoff shorts. I want to beat the shit out of every last one of them.
I was the asshole in the shadows, too captivated to join in, too bitter to admit I was obsessed with the girl I pretended to hate. Too in my head. Too me.
An old bitterness is creeping in and sitting like acid in my stomach.
“Smile, Cyrus,” Haven suddenly says, lifting her phone. Instinct and habit have me turning cold.
“Fuck off, I don’t want to be part of your stupid videos.”
Haven smiles sweetly, as if the comment doesn’t bother her at all. Similar to when I poked at her earlier. It pissed me off then, and it annoys the fuck out of me now.
She turns the camera on herself.
“See what I have to work with, ladies? But who doesn’t like a brooding bad boy? Am I right?”
She points the phone in my direction again.
“You always were a fucking ray of sunshine,” she says, and then stops recording.
The conversation continues to hum around me, and eventually my stomach coaxes me to the table. Picking up the chopsticks, I pinch the noodles in my container, and that is when I feel it. My hand starts to shake.
Subtle, but there. Just enough that using the wooden utensils suddenly feels as difficult as treading water in a hurricane. I focus hard, willing it to stop, but it doesn’t. Fuck.
Eren notices from beside me. He sets down his drink and nods toward my hand.
“You okay?”
“Yeah,” I say quickly, too quickly. “Just tired.”
But really, I’m worried. I can’t bring myself to tell the guys, but the doctors think they know what’s wrong with me.
I don’t believe them, but I’m also not sure if I want to know what is causing this.
All the possible scenarios scare the shit out of me.
So, I ignore them. The migraines, dizziness, shakes, the deep bone ache, and even the random colors that float around taunting me.
Eren doesn’t buy my response. I can see it in his eyes, but he lets it go.
I feel Haven’s stare on me and turn back to her. Those beautiful green eyes are concerned. Her gaze flicks to my fingers, then up to my face. She doesn’t say anything, just watches, and I know she is cataloging all my tics. The room quiets in my mind.
Somewhere in the background, Ledger and Ash are debating if Vex can survive a week without his hair gel. Haven and I continue our silent showdown. She’s daring me to lie to her. So, I say nothing.
“I could rock natural,” Vex argues.
“You tried that once,” Ash deadpans. “You looked like an electrocuted porcupine.”