Chapter 34
chapter
thirty-four
“I try to want less of you. My soul answers with more.” - Cyrus
CYRUS
Haven shifts a little, and my eyes open. I hold her tighter so she can’t escape. My body feels heavy, and my bones ache. I pushed myself to the point of breaking, but I will do it again and again for Haven. There is no pain I won’t suffer to keep her with me.
“Cy? You awake?”
“Sorta?”
“Are you planning on lying like this all night?” Haven asks, and I smirk.
I’ve only ever cuddled one girl in my life, five years ago, and now tonight. Same girl, same position. My body is wrapped around hers like a straitjacket. The only difference is that this time, I’m hanging on like she’ll bolt for the door the moment I let her up.
“What’s wrong with it?”
She glances over her shoulder at me.
“You know what I mean,” she says.
“No. I don’t.”
I do, but I want her to say it.
“Do you always keep your dick inside a girl all night?”
“Are you complaining?”
A smile breaks out across my face as she sighs dramatically. Her signal that I’m being difficult. Pushing her buttons is like sipping my favorite drink.
“No, but what happens if I need to get up to go to the bathroom?”
“Just pee here,” I tease.
“Eww. Gross.”
Haven smacks my hand.
“But to answer your question…no.”
“No, what?”
I chuckle and then regret it as my cock stirs and my joints scream just enough to remind me that there is something still very wrong with me. I can ignore it all I want, but it never fully goes away.
Fuck what will the rest of my life be like?
“No, I’ve never kept my cock in a girl before. You make an excellent warmer by the way.”
“Thanks…I think.”
“Just so you know, I plan on doing this with you every night from now on,” I say, meaning every word.
“Sure, you do,” she snorts, trying to wiggle away from me. Not happening.
“Haven, I don’t cuddle anyone, and unless I was too drunk or high to kick them out, no one ever stays the night.”
Haven turns just enough that she can see my face clearly.
“Why do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Lie to me.”
Now I’m wide awake. “I’m not.”
“But…”
“But what? Yes, I dated a fuck ton of people, and I’ve had many one-night stands. But I always wear protection and never cuddle or have them stay the night.” My grip tightens to emphasize what I mean. “The only girl I’ve ever broken both rules for is you.”
She remains unconvinced. I can see it in her eyes.
“Why don’t you believe me? You’re the one who fucking left me, not the other way around.”
Haven’s brow creases as she pushes me away and goes to stand. I snatch her wrist and pull her back down onto the bed before she can escape.
“Don’t do that. Don’t run away again. Talk to me.”
“You’re serious?”
“Yes. I’m serious.”
Haven scans my face like she’s a human lie detector.
“I don’t understand you.”
She lies down and stares at the ceiling, the wild mane of red hair fans out around her like a halo.
I push myself up onto my elbow and stare down at the only girl I’ve ever loved.
“Explain.”
“You really want to do this now?”
“Yeah…I do.”
I suck in a deep breath as she slowly turns to face me. The sheets rustle as she burrows under them like she’s cold.
“Just so you know, I plan on stuffing my cock inside you once you start to nod off to sleep.”
Haven rolls her eyes like I’m ridiculous, obviously not realizing I’m serious. I trace her expression and take in every little detail.
“You claim I left you,” she says, eyes shining. “But you didn’t really want me, so why would I stay?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m pretty sure I made it clear all night long how much I wanted you.”
“Oh my god, Cy…you tortured me for years. You’d pretend to offer a truce or be my friend, and just when I thought we’d turned a corner, you did something completely reprehensible. And like a fucking idiot, I kept giving you chance after chance because I thought I understood you and your pain.”
The years of long-lost buried hurt stare back at me, and I hate that I’m the cause. Cupping her cheek, I run my thumb over the gentle curve, comforting her like she always did for me.
“You did. You were the only one who did. Well, you and Patrick.”
Haven sits up and wraps her arms around her legs.
“Then why did you hate me so much?”
Do I dare tell her what I know? Reveal that my hatred was locked into place before we even met. She was the outlet for all the pain, suffering, and betrayal I felt.
Flopping onto my back, arm over my eyes, the fight that took my father from me is still just as clear as the night it happened.
“You were the easiest target for my anger. My father didn’t just die in a car accident.” I say, looking at her. “My mother had a massive fight with him right before he stormed out. The police said that he was going through a green light and was broadsided by a drunk driver. But I blame myself.”
Haven grabs my hand, immediately shifting into supportive mode.
“They fought all the time, but mostly about me and my music career, and how it should unfold. Dad was supportive, but he didn’t want me to get into this lifestyle too fast. He was worried that I would end up on a dangerous path.
My mother saw my potential, and all the reasons for not waiting until I was older. ”
“You mean the potential dollar signs?”
Haven’s disdain is evident, and the barb that used to hurt when she said it just sits heavily in my chest.
“Yes, that too.”
“So, they were fighting about you?”
My tongue traces my lower lip.
“No. They were fighting because my mother was having an affair and planned to leave my father. She tried to lie to me, telling me that it was about me signing a record deal and us moving to California.”
I stare at Haven and watch as the wheels turn in her mind.
“You mean…no…are you saying…”
“Yeah. My mother left my father for yours, and my dad ended up dying.”
“Oh my god…Cyrus.” Her mouth drops open, and she squeezes my hand harder. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
“Fuck.” I push myself up and lean my head back against the wall.
“There are so many reasons. I was thirteen, dumb, and full of anger. My dream was to be a rockstar and your father owned a record company. My mother told me to suck it up and that my father was holding me back. I felt trapped between my mother, my ambition, and what was right. I was immature and didn’t want to look too closely at my mother or the fact that she was playing me. ”
Haven cups my cheek, and I hate that she is so fucking understanding. I move away from her touch.
“See, this is why I pushed you away.” I pull on my boxers and stand.
“Why?”
“This.” I wave my hand at her. “Your kindness.”
“Oh…well, I’m sorry I’m not an inconsiderate cunt, how dare I be kind,” she snarls and tosses the blankets off as she gets up.
Ignoring the new throbbing behind my eyes, I march around the bed and grip her shoulders, stopping her from getting dressed.
“You don’t understand.”
“You’re right, I don’t.” She crosses her arms over her chest.
“I hated myself. You being nice to me only made me feel worse. Without even trying, you shoved in my face what a total dick I was for selling my soul for a record deal. I swore to my father that I wouldn’t turn into one of the guys he feared.
His body wasn’t even cold in the ground before I betrayed my promise to him.
To me.” My hands drop. “Whenever you were kind it held up a mirror to my soul, and what I saw staring back…it was ugly.”
Haven’s eyes lock with mine. “You really hurt me, Cy.”
“I know. But you hurt me when you left. I’d finally given in and accepted that I loved you, and you took off. You never came home in five years. You refused all my calls and ignored my texts. Why? Was it payback?”
Haven laughs, and the sound echoes in the room like a reminder of all our old ghosts.
“No.” Hands on her hips, she glares at me. “I heard you.”
“What?”
“Your phone. It rang, and you got up and went to the bathroom. I just had this feeling that I should follow you.” I take a step back, trying to recall who I was on the call with. “You don’t remember, do you?”
“I…I don’t.”
Tears well in her eyes.
“Of course you don’t. I have the words memorized. They are burned into my brain, and you don’t remember.”
She goes to step around me, and I grab her again.
“Let go of me, Cy.”
“No. I need to know. What did I say that made you leave?” Haven looks away. “Tell me.”
“Fine, you really want to know?”
She hits me with a look that cracks my heart.
“Yeah, some random chick begged me to fuck her. You know the type. Unfortunately, she’s still here.”
As the words spill from her mouth, it starts to come back to me, and my stomach drops through the floor.
“The lingerer that wants you to cuddle and shit. Fuck I hate that. Yeah, I’ll kick her out soon, but I may as well fuck her again first.”
A lone tear trails down her cheek, and her voice shakes, but she holds my stare.
“I don’t care if she heard or not. Let Haven hear me fucking someone else, she’s the one stupid enough to think I could ever like her. Don’t even go there, I fucking hate her, and that is never going to change.”
She stops, but the silence feels like an explosion. Haven steps back, and I let her even though everything in me is screaming.
“Got nothing to say? It’s funny, I always wondered what you’d do if you knew that I heard you speak the truth. Your shocked silence tells me so much.”
I swallow the lump in my throat, choking on things that no one can see.
“Haven…”
The slap is completely unexpected and rocks me to the side. I grab my cheek while she points to the broken door hanging by a single hinge. It suddenly feels like a tableau of what lies between us.
“Leave.”
“Haven, let me explain.” I lick my lips and inch closer, but she steps back. “I said it but…”
“But what?”
The air doesn’t move. The words refuse to cross my lips because there is no good answer.
She blinks, and tears shimmer in her gorgeous green eyes.
“Don’t worry, I already know the answer. You don’t need to tell me. You either used me that night or you were embarrassed by me when talking to whoever that was the next day. Maybe it was both.”
She shrugs like she carries the world on her shoulders and it’s just too heavy to hold anymore.
“You say you loved me then, and that you love me now. I say you love the fact that I let you use me. And I did, I know it. I was a doormat.”
“That’s not true, you were the only one who stood up to me.”
Haven chuckles and shakes her head.
“Sure, for my survival. But I also sat with you whenever you were upset. I rescued you from going too far. I pulled you back from the edge when you thought all was lost. I let you yell and scream and call me names. I did. I always did. I stupidly let you treat me like your fucking punching bag because I was dumb enough to care.”
“Haven…I…I know all that. You’re the only person who has ever been able to get through to me.”
Saying it out loud, I can hear how selfish it sounds.
“Cy…we may have only had sex that one night, but I enabled your cruel behavior. I was your crutch, nothing more than a prop on the way to the rest of your life. I was the perfect outlet for all your frustrations, rather than looking inward and fixing the things you hated in your life. Call it whatever you want, but that’s not love.
The worst part is that I’ve come to realize I deserved to hear you say those words.
I deserved the pain and the feeling of having my heart ripped out. I deserved it because I was stupid.”
Each word is a cut to my heart, slicing deeper than the last, and I can’t argue with any of the accusations. She is right. I used her, but I did love her. I just didn’t know how to break the pattern between us. It doesn’t matter…it doesn’t make what I did any better.
“If you truly care at all, then go and leave me alone to wallow in my self-hatred. I caved and let you use me again. Leave, you already took pieces of me that I’ll never get back, I won’t give you any more,” she softly confesses.
Haven glances at the door, a silent order as her bottom lip trembles.
Stepping toward the opening with the wood hanging by a single hinge, I stop and look over my shoulder.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I swear I didn’t.”
Haven turns her back on me, but I can’t bring myself to leave. Stepping into the hallway and out of sight, I lean back against the wall. The sound of her falling apart breaks me in ways that I’ll never be able to explain. My soul cries along with hers.
I slide down the wall, my ass hits the floor, and I cradle my head in my hands.
I listen, but the sound that once brought me peace now feels like razor blades scraping the inside of my chest. A broken sob reaches my ears, and I’m no longer able to keep my head above the water.
I’m suddenly sinking below the surface like a stone with no one left to save me.
All this time, I thought she had played me, but I should’ve known that Haven would never do that.
No…that’s something I would do.
The truth? I’ve done what I always do. I’ve taken the one good and decent thing in my life and destroyed it. I did it. I have no one to blame but myself.
And worse? Even if it crushes us both…I still want all of her, including her pain-soaked tears.
Haven is mine.
For better or worse, our song was written the day we met…and every note has been dragging us back to the same inevitable end.
Her and Me. Forever.