Chapter 35
chapter
thirty-five
“I can walk away. I just don’t know how to stop needing you.” – Haven
HAVEN
My brain is a mess, my body is sore, and my skin is warm from the hot shower. I glance at the door that’s still hanging in the same position, and I can already hear Declan’s annoying voice bitching about the cost.
Walking out into the hallway, I clamp a hand over my mouth as I choke back a scream. Cyrus is sitting on the floor, outside the door, eyes closed. I nearly stepped on him.
Right on cue, my heart beats harder. He’s here. He didn’t leave. He stayed with me. It really should not feel this good to know this, but it does.
Crouching down, I stare at his lax face. He’s still breathing. I’m debating leaving him here when his eyes snap open. He grabs my arm like we’re in a fucking horror movie. I squeal and jerk back, then land on my ass.
“Fuck, Cy…are you trying to give me a heart attack?”
He doesn’t say anything, and I push up onto my knees.
“Cy?”
His eyes find me, but he is clearly confused.
“What is it, Cy? What’s wrong?”
“Where are we?”
His eyes fill with terror, and my heart rate, which is just starting to settle, skyrockets.
“What do you mean?”
His hand is shaking on my arm as he looks around.
“It’s just a black hole, Haven. How are we not falling?”
He shuts his eyes, and I can’t help but glance around for a bottle of booze, but there is nothing in sight. Either way, the fear I see in him is real. He’s not faking this for attention.
I cup his face, and he lifts his chin, but keeps his eyes closed.
“Cy, did you take anything,” I ask softly, not wanting to sound accusatory.
“No. I haven’t moved from this spot since I left your room. I swear I haven’t.”
“Okay, I believe you. Can you open your eyes and look at me?”
He slowly does, and I give him a little smile.
“You see me?”
He nods.
“We’re at the Monarch Hotel.”
“We’re on our way to Boulder, Colorado,” he mumbles.
“Yes. We’re leaving shortly to finish the three-hour drive to the next venue on the tour. The rest of the crew is already there. Do you remember that?”
“Yes…and I picked this hotel because of the name.”
I smirk and then wipe it away, not wanting to get caught up in the sentimental words, even as my heart beats faster.
“Good. Do you trust me?”
“Yes.” There is no hesitation in his answer.
“Okay. There’s no black void. You’re in the hallway outside my room. Here...” I take his hand and put it on the floor. “Feel for yourself.”
He flinches, but then relaxes when nothing happens.
Still on my knees, I give him a minute to process.
Suddenly, Cy pulls on my arm, hauling me into his lap before wrapping his arms around me and burying his head in the side of my neck.
“Please don’t leave me. I don’t deserve you, but please don’t leave me.”
With my arms around his shoulders, I hug him tight.
“It’s going to be okay,” I whisper, rubbing his back gently.
Vex walks around the corner and stops when he sees us. He is sporting a bruise on his jaw, but he doesn’t seem angry. He points at Cy, and I know what he is trying to ask. The problem is…I don’t know if he needs help.
I mouth, I don’t know.
He points toward the kitchen and mouths, yell if you need me.
I nod. Pulling back to check on Cy, I panic when he keeps his eyes clenched shut.
“Cy, look at me.”
“I’m scared.”
“I’ve got you. I’ve always got you. Remember? We just argued about this, it is officially my fatal flaw.”
He snorts, and a sad chuckle vibrates his chest.
“I don’t deserve you.”
“You’re right. You don’t.”
“I can’t let you go,” he says, sliding his hands up my arms to my face, mimicking my pose. But he still hasn’t opened his eyes. “What if I forget you? I can’t live if that happens. I can’t forget you, Haven. I can’t.”
“Shh, just breathe. That won’t happen.”
My heart aches watching him go through whatever’s causing this episode. I believe that he didn’t take any drugs despite what Anita and Declan claim. But his symptoms seem to be getting worse.
“Do you believe me?”
He nods.
“We’re going to figure out what’s happening,” I say, and he shakes his head.
“The doctor…he thinks I’m schizophrenic,” he says and breaks down, his body shaking.
I bite my lip to keep my emotions locked down.
“But nothing helps,” he continues. “I’m getting worse. I don’t think that’s it, but what if it is, and there is nothing that will help me, and everything just becomes…nothing. Just a void everywhere. What if I forget everyone, what if—”
“No. Don’t go there. You know me, and you know that I’m the most annoyingly persistent person you’ve ever met. I’m telling you that we will figure this out and get you the right help. Okay?”
I’m not sure I believe the doctor either. I don’t have a degree on my wall and I’ve never even known someone with the disease, but deep down, I know Cy, and there is something unusual about what I’ve seen. My gut is telling me it’s something else.
“Cy…look at me. You can do it.”
His eyelashes, wet with tears, slowly flutter open, and this time they focus on my face.
“No matter what is happening…I promise that we will get to the bottom of it. I’m not going to leave you to deal with this on your own.”
I’ve never seen him so vulnerable, stripped down, and open as he pulls me in and holds me tight. His pain sounds like his soul is being torn from his chest.
Cy kisses the top of my head.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
I exhale and slowly pull away from his tight grip.
“Can you see the hallway?”
“Yeah.”
“Is your ass numb?”
Cy smirks. “Very.”
“Then, come on. We need to be on the bus in twenty minutes.”
I start to stand, but Cy grabs my hand, his eyes locking with mine.
“I do love you. No matter what I’ve said, what I’ve done. That’s not a lie. I can’t wipe away the past, but I need you to know that. Tell me you believe me.”
The lump in my throat is hard to swallow and makes it hard to think straight, but I offer a small smile. Cy looks like he is on the verge of panicking, so I nod.
“I believe you.”
I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to trust those words, but that won’t change anything right now.
Cyrus relaxes, sighs, and lets me help him stand. We’re quiet as we walk to his room. He’s not leaning on me, but he clings to my arm like he still needs the support and the contact to feel safe.
My plan is to wait out in the hall, but he tugs me inside with him.
“I wrote you a song,” Cy says.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah.”
Grabbing the pile of clothes on the dresser, he heads into the bathroom but keeps the door open.
God help me, I maneuver around so I can see him in the mirror. His tall, fit body and hard ass immediately draw my eye. But his intricate tattoo that practically points like an arrow to the piercing in the tip of his dick have my mouth watering.
I’m a slut. That’s all there is to it. I’m a slut for Cyrus Vale, and I can never let him know it.
“Can I read it?”
“Sure, it’s in my songbook on the nightstand.”
Walking over, I pick it up, but the corner of a ratty, turquoise book under his pillow catches my eye. As if I’m in someone else’s body, I see myself reaching for it. I know what it is, but how the fuck does Cyrus have it?
My hand wraps around my diary. I’ve had it for so many years that I don’t even know how it’s still intact. My last entry was just before I left for California, but I could’ve sworn I packed this with the items shipped to my father’s house.
Anger replaces shock as I realize that Cyrus stole this from me. As if everything else he has done to me isn’t bad enough. He has consumed my innermost thoughts and fears. This is years’ worth of trauma in one book.
“Did you find…oh shit.”
I look up, and Cy is standing in the bathroom doorway, toothbrush in hand, towel around his waist, staring at me.
“How do you have this?”
Gone is the warmth and kindness from moments ago. All I feel is a steely cold.
“It was in your bag, and it fell out.”
“I didn’t even have it with me,” I yell, taking an angry step toward him.
“You did. I swear. When we were loading the bus after you first arrived. Haven, I know I shouldn’t have taken it, but—”
“Ugh! Stop, Cyrus. Oh my god, is this why you’re suddenly being nice to me? You now know all the dark workings of my poor tortured adolescent mind and want to make up for it? Or are you just learning all my weak spots? Arming yourself with more information.”
“Haven…I only read it because I wanted to understand why you left. I was angry at you, and when you dropped it, I just thought—”
I hold up my hand, stopping him.
“I don’t even care why. The point is you did. We have spent weeks on the road together, and you’ve had this the whole time. You haven’t told me, and you kept reading it. Can you even begin to fathom what a violation of privacy this is?” My voice is rough with rage.
“Yes, I can. Every song I write and sing is for you, and I belt it out to the world. I know what it’s like to have my emotions out there for everyone to see. But you don’t care about that.”
I point at him and snarl.
“Don’t. Don’t turn this around and try to guilt me when you’re the one who fucked up. You write and choose to put those words out for consumption, I did not. They are private, they are mine and you…I can’t even look at you right now. I’ll meet you on the bus.”
Stomping out of the room, I turn my back on Cyrus.
“Haven? Haven, come back. Shit, Haven…”
Fuck you, Cyrus Vale.