Chapter 40
chapter
forty
“Hate yourself if you want. It changes nothing. You’re still mine.” – Cyrus
CYRUS
I’ve been holding onto the hope that the cruiser ride, fingerprinting, and photos have given Haven time to calm down, but it has only riled her up more.
“Are you talking about jail or Charles?”
“Both,” she spits out.
“I know it’s my fault,” I say as she resumes pacing.
It took all my willpower not to stand up and cheer when she told Charles to fuck all the way off.
But…I’m pretty sure that I’m next.
“Are you even sorry? I’m in prison. Fucking prison.”
“Technically, we’re only in jail, not prison,” I say, before I can stop myself.
I’m genuinely shocked that smoke isn’t coming out of her ears.
“But, yes. I am.” I add quickly.
“Are you really? Because I don’t think you even know what the word means, let alone feel it.”
She shoots daggers at me with her gaze.
Stupidly, the thread of anger prevalent in her voice is a fucking turn on, but I keep that to myself.
“Will you come sit down?”
“No,” she snarls, stomping from one side of the small cage to the other.
“I think…” The guy in the corner mumbles and holds up a finger like he’s about to make a great speech. “That you should…hear him out.”
He really thinks about each word before he says it, and then he smiles.
Haven blinks, and I can see the wheels turning in her mind. She wants to reply, but isn’t sure if she should.
I point at my new roomie.
“Listen to him. He looks like he has a lot of life experience,” I say, purposely taunting her now.
“Yes…I do.”
He hiccups, then slides sideways and passes out, snoring with his face dangerously close to the toilet.
Not exactly the life experience I’m aiming for, but I’ll take any help I can get. Sadly, if you swap out the jail cell for a hotel room, I have been in that position.
Haven rolls her shoulders, and I love that I can still tell what she is thinking…at least some of the time.
“Call me whatever names you want, but come sit with me. Please.”
I give Haven my sad eyes. She grumbles under her breath but walks over. I still got it. The glee I feel is wiped away when she sits down, the bars between us, and I stare at the long scratch line across her cheek.
“We’ll be fine. Declan will have already contacted LG Records’ lawyers to get us out. They’ll settle a deal with that girl, and trust me, Charles won’t come after me. I’ll be shocked if we even spend the night.”
“See, that’s the thing, Cy, I don’t trust you. I’ve never been able to trust you. And saying, Hey, relax, I’ve been arrested before,” she mocks, “doesn’t exactly give me the warm fuzzies.”
“Fair enough, but Haven, I’m not the same guy. You of all people should be able to see that.”
“Should I now?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, let me refresh your memory. You went months being…friendly. You sat with me if you saw I was alone. You offered to play video games with me or go to the mall because you knew I hated going alone. We laughed and talked, and in my heart, I hoped you were finally seeing how much we had in common, how similar we were in our grief. But I was on pins and needles the entire time waiting for the moment you switched back to being an asshole.”
The hurt in her eyes is something that I wish I could wipe away. But I’ll never be able to go back in time to fix things, so finding a way for her to believe me now is my only choice.
“Do you remember what you did?”
I don’t answer. Not because I don’t remember, but because I need to hear it as much as Haven needs to get it off her chest.
She licks her lips.
“You waited until I let my guard down, then yanked the rug out from under me. It was a tennis match you designed so that I would always trip and fall on my face. You knew that you were my weakness, and you exploited my feelings after isolating me from everyone else. You took so much pleasure in hurting and scaring me throughout high school. How I still loved you through that…I don’t know. I need some good fucking therapy.”
She’s not wrong, but there is no real way to explain it to her.
“Loved or love?”
“What?”
“You said loved. Do you not love me anymore?”
Fear as cold as steel presses into my chest as I wait for her to respond.
“See, this is exactly what I mean. My instinct is to be honest, so I want to tell you how I feel. But a bright red flag is waving in my mind that you will turn around and be a dick and use whatever I say as a weapon against me. Just like always.”
She shakes her head, and her eyes are almost feral when she looks at me.
“And then I’ll just end up another stat. The girl who fell for the bad boy. The girl who always forgave him. The girl who, despite all the warning signs, always went back. And then one day, I’ll wake up and realize that I’m all alone, or worse, I’ll be dead and stuffed in a freezer.”
I snort at the visual.
Haven’s features harden into stone.
“So no. No. I am not telling you shit.”
“I’m not a serial killer.”
“Are you sure? Because you have all the narcissistic traits.”
“Ouch, I’m wounded,” I tease.
Haven crosses her arms, and the fire burning in her eyes is hot as fuck. Maybe I am what she says, because I want to crawl under her skin and soak up that fire.
“Haven, I meant it when I said I love you. I want to know if you love me back.”
“So purposely taking me to a strip club to make me angry is how you show me that you’ve changed, that you love me? God help your enemies if that is how you show affection.”
Her words make me cringe. How badly have I fucked this up?
“Okay, that may not have been the brightest idea. But you acting like you don’t care pisses me off. All I want is for you to fucking admit that you are jealous. That you want me.”
“Ever heard of having a real conversation? Goading me into it when I’m already feeling insecure isn’t the best strategy.”
“I asked you, and all you said was, nope,” I say, mocking her voice.
“Wouldn’t you?” Haven practically snarls at me. “Tell me honestly, Cyrus. If I did to you what you’ve done to me, wouldn’t you shut down?”
Her anger and pain go deep and dark, and it makes me want to destroy the world for her. I’ll crush everything that has ever dared to hurt her, but the problem is…it’s me. It’s always been me.
When she turns her head away, I reach through the bars and grip her hand. She jumps and glances down.
“Yes. I would,” I admit, my voice soft.
“I don’t know how to trust you,” she whispers, and a little piece of my heart crumbles. Her head comes up, and our eyes lock once more. “How I feel is inconsequential if I can’t trust you.”
The silence falls thick around us. Past demons and new aches collide between us.
“You shouldn’t be insecure about anything, not ever. You’ve always been beautiful inside and out. More than I can say for myself. I was…fucked up. Still am. I mean…I’ll always be an asshole, it’s in my nature, but I’m not the guy from high school either.”
Everything from her body language to the mistrust in her eyes screams that I’m a liar, even when she doesn’t say a word. With just a glance, she highlights every mistake of my past.
“I get why you hated me,” Haven says softly, and I know she is referring to our conversation about her father. “I mean, if my mother died and I thought your mother had anything to do with it, I’m not sure how I’d react to you.”
My throat aches and turns scratchy as I try to swallow down the deceit that I’m still holding back from her.
My mother didn’t kill her mom, but did Mrs. Gaillard know of the affair?
Did she know that Auguste was going to file for divorce even while she was ill?
That he probably would’ve taken Haven from her?
Did it make her want to give up the fight?
“Yes, I hated you when I first arrived, but I didn’t always. It just seemed that way. The fact is, I couldn’t deal with my own shit. I hated myself and the world, and I just wanted you to be there with me.”
“What do you mean?”
With a sigh, I rub the back of my neck.
“I can’t remember the exact day when I realized that the anger toward you had shifted.
I’d fallen for you, and that freaked me the fuck out.
I told you that I couldn’t stand your face, but the truth was, I wanted you.
By then, I’d spent four years making sure everyone knew how much I hated you.
I didn’t know how to walk it back. But I also couldn’t let you go. ”
“No. You knew how to walk it back, you just didn’t want the fallout.”
Slap. Not actually, but she may as well have. It’s just like her to hit me with the reality of my stupidity. Haven has always done that, cut right to the heart of the issue and let me bleed without offering a bandage. It’s partly why I love her so fucking much.
She looks me over, and her eyes feel like a seductive touch and an accusation. Fuck, I’ve always hated emotions. What good are they anyway? All they’ve ever done is twist me into a person I don’t like.
“You’re right, I was a coward. But it runs deeper than just what people would say. Although I can’t deny that it wasn’t part of the reason.”
Haven pulls her fingers out from under mine, and my heart jumps in panic. She shivers and crosses her arms.
“Are you cold?”
“Yeah.”
Standing, I head to the bars and bang on them.
“Hello! Officer. Guard. Anyone?”
“It’s okay, Cy.”
I glance over my shoulder. “No, it’s not.” I rattle the bars again. “Hello!”
“But what if they toss you in solitary?”
Fear races down my spine, but I push it aside.
“Then they do.”
The heavy door clanks, and Officer Grimes walks in with the coffee.
“Sorry, I had paperwork, but here is the coffee and the stuff I want signed.”
“Thanks, but I need the hoodie I wore in,” I say, only taking the coffee and ignoring the items for now. Grimes catches on quick.
“Okay, I’ll be right back.”
He’s back in no more than two minutes, but it gives me time to think about what I want to say to Haven. How do I explain the things I barely understand in my brain? Is there really an excuse? Not really. But I’ll try.