Chapter 40 #2
“Here you go,” Grimes says, pushing it through the bars. I take it and the stuff he wants signed. He has a hat, a picture frame, and a special edition vinyl record. “This is like fate. Her birthday is next week. Now they’ll be signed to boot.”
I scribble my name across all three items.
“Your wife really is a fan to have this,” I say, holding out the record. “We only had five thousand of those for a throwback promotion.”
“I know.” He smiles wide. “Last year, for her birthday, I got her front row seats to your Among the Dead tour in Chicago. It was the best night of my life. I can’t wait to see what she does when I give her this stuff signed.”
The sexual innuendo is not lost on me, and I laugh.
“Well, hope this helps make this one even better. Any word on when we’re getting out of here?”
“Sorry, no exact time, but the paperwork has been started.”
“Thanks.”
Once Grimes leaves, I walk over and set the coffee down beside Drunk Jesus. Then I push the sweatshirt through the bars to Haven.
Her voice is soft when she thanks me and takes the hoodie to pull it on. It’s huge, and she looks fucking delicious wearing my clothes. She brings her knees up and pulls the hoodie over them like she’s curling up inside of it.
My lip twitches. Some things never change.
“I want to try and explain something. I believed that liking you would do nothing but hurt me.”
“Hurt you…I don’t understand.”
“I watched the destruction of my parents’ marriage.
They went from two people who loved one another, all cute and sappy, to cold and distant.
Their personalities changed until they were very different people.
They couldn’t be in the same room without fighting over something, but mostly me.
I thought that having a girlfriend would lead me down the same path. ”
My eyes dart to hers, forcing myself to look at the girl who stole my heart so long ago.
“When my feelings changed, I panicked. I realized that you were fucking gorgeous, sweet, funny, and I could be myself around you. I’d fallen for you, and because of that, I needed to crush the cause.”
“So, you went from pushing me away because you hated me, to alienating me from everyone and treating me like crap because you were scared?”
“Yeah.” My shoulders rise and fall as I take a deep breath. “I did. Sounds worse when you say it out loud.”
Haven pinches the bridge of her nose, a sign that a headache is brewing. I want to hold her, but these stupid bars are in the way.
“Lame, Cy. I really want to say that is guy logic, but no…that’s just you, logic.”
I chuckle, and the sound is sad because it’s true.
“At least you admit it,” she says, wrapping her arms around her knees and laying her head on them as she looks at me. “Is that why you sabotaged every relationship I tried to have?”
The groan slips out before I can stop it and confirms my guilt.
“Shit. Yeah.” I shift around to look at her. “If I couldn’t have you…no one could. I’m still like that, Haven. I will bury anyone who tries to take you from me.”
“You have serious issues,” Haven says, rolling her eyes.
There is no wiping the stupid smile off my face when her cheeks turn bright pink.
Reaching through the bars, I cup her face and gently trace the red line. Fuck, she really went to battle for me.
“I mean it.”
“So, do I,” she says. “That’s messed up.”
“You look fucking incredible tonight,” I say, changing the subject. “And you really kicked that chick’s ass. That was hot, like really hot. If the whole place hadn’t erupted, I would’ve fucked you in front of her.”
The tension is instant. Haven licks her lips like she’s picturing me doing it.
“You need your head examined.”
“Been there, done that, even bought the t-shirt and the docs still don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
She shakes her head.
“You shouldn’t joke about it.”
I lift my shoulder and let it drop.
“Why not? If I don’t joke about it, then I’ll either curl up and cry or go postal. Neither is helpful.”
As she stretches out her legs, my eyes roam over her. The tattered jeans, black shit kicker boots, and my hoodie may look simple to anyone else, but to me, it’s fucking hot. A shirt and no underwear, so I can fuck her whenever I want, is also an acceptable outfit.
“Stop looking at me like that,” she mutters.
“Why?”
“Because…I don’t know how to deal with this…
us…you acting like you have feelings for me.
Fuck, Cy. My head is like a carnival, and right now we’re in the house of mirrors.
I’m trying to gauge what is real and fake.
Is this the real me? Is this the real you?
What the hell do we even look like in this new reality?
” She shakes her head. “I don’t know. It sounds like an Eminem song playing on repeat to me. ”
“Haven, I’m not just saying this to reel you in and hurt you again. I’ll take out any competition, I mean it. You’re mine. There is no point in fighting me.”
“You do know that sounds stalkerish and murdery, right?”
“I’m fucking crazy about you, and technically, I am a stalker. I followed your ass all over the place, whether you saw me or not.”
“So why didn’t you follow me to New York?”
And just like that, she performs another perfect mic drop. We sit in silence, staring at one another.
“I almost did. When I finished my shower and walked back to my room, you were gone. I figured you went to do the same. After a while, I went looking for you and saw my photo in the garbage. That was when I realized you left and weren’t coming back.
I wasn’t in a good headspace. Six months later, I landed my ass in rehab for the first time. ”
Her face sobers.
“So, your mother was right? It was sort of my fault.”
I shake my head.
“No. Don’t fucking do that. Don’t blame yourself for my bullshit. I was already dancing my happy ass down the road of recklessness, depression, and abusing myself. You leaving just ripped the guardrails off. Truth is, I was always going to crash and burn.
“I didn’t hear about the first rehab stay.”