Chapter 40 #3
“No one did. Your father paid big bucks to keep it quiet and out of the media. Everyone knows about the stay with Dr. Avery because by then the band was too famous to hide it.”
“Well, you were also so high that you smashed your guitar on stage, told everyone to fuck off, and that you hated them, before stomping away in the middle of the concert. That kind of screams something is wrong,” Haven says, and of course, my dark little heart is happy that she was still following me despite it all.
“Yeah…and there was that.”
“So, have you really stayed clean since?”
I glance at her, and it feels as if there is suddenly a massive weight on my chest.
“You don’t believe me either?”
“I didn’t say that. But right now, while there is no death scare or doctors, I need you to look me in the eyes and tell me the truth. All of it, even if it’s not pretty. Have you been clean for the last two years?”
My throat closes, and it feels like acid is being poured down my gullet as the silence stretches between us. All the while, my heart is running a marathon in my chest.
“I’ve been clean but not sober,” I painfully admit, and her brows pull together.
“I landed in rehab because of cocaine. That caused the outbursts, fights, and some other unsavory things. I haven’t touched it since I got out.
Seven-hundred and ninety-six days…I count every single one.
But I’m supposed to stay away from everything.
I don’t. I still drink, smoke weed, and have the odd cigarette. So, the answer is yes, and no.”
Haven doesn’t ask me anything else. My shoulders and back relax, but my pulse is still elevated. She is the only one who makes me feel like this. Like I’m still fucking up. She doesn’t accuse, doesn’t yell, but I’ve always sought her approval. I crave it as much as I do her.
“I want to get clean. All the way, I want to do it right.”
“Then you will,” she says, and we lapse into another silence.
Three simple words, and yet they hold so much power. Haven doesn’t tell me I need to, doesn’t offer to fix me, and yet, the confidence in that short sentence speaks loudly about her faith in me.
Out of nowhere, she laughs softly, her eyes are unfocused as if she sees something only she can. Her lips turn up.
“It was a little therapeutic to kick one of these overly handsy groupies’ ass finally.”
“It really bothers you, doesn’t it?”
She hits me with a look, calling me a dumbass without saying it aloud.
“Okay, I’ll stop doing VIP sessions.”
“What? You can’t do that. The band—”
“Will survive without me for an hour while they get their asses kissed by a bunch of fans.”
“My father won’t like that. That will only make my life harder, not easier, Cy.”
“Then tell me what you want. I don’t want them. I put on that performance because it’s what I’m supposed to do, but that’s how we ended up here…” I point around the jail cell. “This is not a healthy cycle,” I say, making her laugh.
“No. I suppose it’s not. Let me think about it.”
I nod.
“You can’t quit,” I say, and our eyes meet once more.
“I don’t know who the hell you think you are coming back into my life and stealing my heart all over again.
You can threaten to walk out all you want, but it’s not happening.
I won’t let you leave me again, Haven. Not without giving us a real fucking shot.
If I have to tie your adorable ass up, I will. ”
The defiant look she gives me makes my body hot all over.
“Is that so?”
“It is. You’ll look hot in ropes.”
She turns toward me, hands gripping the bars, and I place mine on top of hers. The connection instantly calms my nervous system.
“And what will you do if I do move to a new position?”
“Then I’ll quit the band and find another way to prove to you that we’re inevitable. If that means I have to follow your sexy ass all across the country, take up an office job, kill every guy who looks your way, or whatever else…I’ll do it.”
Haven’s mouth falls open.
Reaching through, I grab the back of her neck and pull her closer until our faces are pressed against the cold steel, and our lips are melded together.
“If there weren’t bars between us, I’d fuck you right now,” I growl.
“You can’t be serious.”
“Why not?” I nip her bottom lip before sucking it into my mouth. “Say the fucking words, Haven. Just say them.”
There is a long hesitation as she stares into my eyes as if she’s touching my soul.
“Fine…I’m jealous,” she whispers.
“Good girl, now say you’re mine, and you’ll give us a chance.”
“Cy—”
“Fucking say it, Haven. Or I swear I’ll tattoo it across your forehead.”
She tries to pull back, but my fingers tighten on her neck and hold her firm.
“Stop fighting and just say it, you know you want to.” She remains silent. “Fuck me, Butterfly…so stubborn. Say it, or else.”
My voice is rough, shaking with the craving burning through my body.
“You’re still an asshole,” she mumbles against my lips.
I don’t bother denying it. I am, especially when it comes to Haven.
“I need time to think, Cy. I can’t. Not yet.”
Releasing her neck, the darkest parts of me come alive.
Oh, Haven, when will you learn?