Chapter 53
chapter
fifty-three
“I carry the version of me who kept choosing wrong like a ghost I can’t outrun.” – Haven
HAVEN
I’ve tried so hard to push down the memories, guilt, and what-ifs from the night of Patrick’s death. And I’ve done a good job of holding it at bay until now. Cy has opened the floodgates.
My body feels numb, but once more, the what-if questions prick at my brain like needles.
Sand and smooth river rocks press into the bottom of my bare feet as I walk, and the sensation takes me back to that night.
What the hell am I doing?
I look over my shoulder to see the entire senior class watching us. Cy seems genuine, and yet, my stomach twists into knots like a warning bell. Before I can think too hard about it, Chad, one of the school jocks, bellows into a megaphone.
“Three, two, one, go,” Chad yells.
We run for the water, and I wait until the last possible second before dropping my towel, leaving me naked.
I can hear the cheers and whoops behind me as I splash into the surf, and for one brief moment, I feel popular.
I feel like I’m part of the crowd. I feel like my old self before Cyrus came to live with me.
But the sensation is short-lived as I realize that I’m out here alone.
I whip around, and the crowd on the beach howls with laughter. Cyrus is doubled over as he pulls his towel free and slings it over his shoulder. He still has swim trunks on.
With a small scream, I drop low into the thigh-high water and try to cover my chest. It’s no use.
I see Cy staring. His eyes travel up and down my body.
Humiliation as I’ve never known before fills me, and my lower lip quivers.
I’m so focused on the jeers and catcalls that I barely notice the cold water on my skin.
Cy slowly bends over and makes a show of picking up my towel. The fabric dangles between his fingers, daring me to come get it.
“Cy, don’t. Please.”
I hate begging him for anything. I swore I never would, but he has found a way to break me. His blue eyes shimmer in the moonlight with a terrifying mix of malice and mirth.
Why can’t the ocean swallow me whole?
And then I feel it. Something slides against my leg.
I’ve lived here my whole life, and even though I’m not a huge beachgoer, I know it’s velella-velella season.
How could I forget? I jump and yelp when the first sting hits my leg.
Then again, and again. Soon, I’m leaping around like a loon trying to get away.
But I can no more escape the painful little jellyfish surrounding me than I can the laughter on the beach.
The pain is too much, and I make a run for it as tears run down my face, mixing with the salt water.
I only get a few feet when the worst happens.
I step on one of the painful stingers and drop with a splash.
The dark water embraces me as I’m stung on my stomach, chest, neck, and face.
I burst up, gulping in air, and scramble toward shore.
Panting and in extreme pain, I collapse on the beach. When I look up, I’m surrounded by a dozen legs. Oh no. I try to stand, but Cy pushes me down.
“Here, let us help you with those,” he says.
I don’t have time to move before the first drops of urine hit me. The hot streams ease the pain of the stings, but I will never be able to outrun the mortification of this moment.
“What the fuck!”
Patrick pushes through the crowd, his face twisted with rage.
“Relax. It’s just a prank,” Cy says, turning away from me and facing Patrick.
As soon as he reaches Cy, Patrick’s fist flies with a left and then a right. Cy stumbles back, landing on his ass a foot away from me.
“What the fuck, man? It’s just a joke.”
Cy holds his nose, glaring up at Patrick.
Patrick points at me.
“You really think this is a joke?”
While everyone is distracted, I scramble to my feet. I can just hear Patrick growl, “You’re an asshole.”
I can’t see where I’m going as I run down the beach with tears in my eyes. My lungs no longer work right as I gulp in mouthful after mouthful of air in a panicked rush.
“Haven!”
Patrick is running after me, but I don’t turn back.
“Haven, stop. Please stop.”
Fuck that.
Eventually, my legs give out, and I fall to my knees. Covering my face, I cry. Not just from the shame of what happened, but because I knew better. My stupid heart wanted to believe that just once Cy wasn’t out to hurt me, even though deep down, I knew better.
A towel drapes over my shoulders, and I clutch the ends, pulling it tight into a fabric shield. No sound comes out as I struggle to breathe through the pain.
“Haven…I’m so sorry,” Patrick says, rubbing circles on my back.
Pushing myself to my feet, I glare at the person I thought I knew. His face is a mask of concern, but the cruel emotions trying to break me burn bright in my chest.
“Don’t touch me.”
“Haven…please.”
“No.” My lip trembles. “I’ve been nothing but a good friend to you.
You were my best friend, and I stupidly thought you felt the same way.
But you’re just like everyone else. You dumped me the moment Cyrus came to town and promised you fame and fortune.
I’ve just been hanging on to the image of us that’s been stuck in my head. ”
“That’s not true.”
“It is!”
I clutch the towel so tightly that my fingers ache, but nothing compares to the betrayal I feel in my heart.
“You weren’t just my best friend, you were my brother.” I shake my head. “I don’t want to see you again. We’re not friends. We haven’t been for a long time. It just took me forever to figure it out, because I’m an idiot.”
Fixing the towel to cover all of me, I march in the direction of my car, even though I have no keys or clothes.
“Haven, I’m sorry. I am your friend.”
I can’t even look at Patrick.
“No, you’re not. A friend would never allow the shit that Cyrus does to me to happen and still be his friend.”
Patrick grabs my arm.
“Haven, please stop and talk to me.”
I jerk free from his grip and poke him in the chest.
“I said, don’t touch me.”
He jumps in my way when I start walking again.
“You’re right, I should’ve told him to go to hell a long time ago, but…”
“But what?”
“But…” He stops and runs his hand through his hair.
“Does the fame really mean that much to you?”
“No, it’s not that.” Patrick turns away. “Shit.”
Shivering, I can’t be bothered waiting for whatever he has to say, and I march off again.
“I’m in love with him,” Patrick yells after me, and I freeze. “I know he doesn’t love me back. I know he never will. I know it’s stupid, but I’m in love with him.”
Shock renders me speechless, and I slowly turn around to face Patrick.
“What?” That’s the only word that will come out of my mouth. “Does Cy know?”
Crossing his arms, he walks toward me.
“Are you kidding? He doesn’t have a clue, and I don’t want him to.” He sighs, and I realize how much telling me this secret weighs on him. “I should’ve told you a long time ago, but I just…I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone. No one knows but you, Haven. I should’ve trusted you.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“I don’t know. Fear, I guess. If no one knew, especially Cy, then there was no risk of him treating me differently. It’s stupid.”
“Do you think he would?”
Patrick shrugs. “Don’t know. Never wanted to find out. I kind of hoped he would just wake up one morning and feel the same way. Stupid fantasy and all that shit.” He pinches the bridge of his nose. “I know he’s not into me that way, but…I can’t help how I feel.”
“I get that, I do. Cyrus is like a black hole that sucks you in.” Patrick looks away from me. “But…”
“I know, you don’t need to say it. I’m a shit friend. I’m sorry. I mean it, I’m done with him. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched him treat you like garbage and felt so guilty for not stopping it. I’ve turned into someone I don’t like for a boy. I’m a fucking cliché.”
Needing a moment to gather my thoughts, I suck in a deep breath.
“Patrick…I’ve always loved you. You’re my best friend. Have been since we first learned to walk. I came here tonight to salvage our friendship. But...Cyrus will never change. I have to accept that. And despite you saying all the right things…I don’t know if I can trust you.”
He steps forward and gently grabs my shoulders. His warm chocolate eyes beg me to forgive him.
“I know…what can I do? Tell me, and I’ll do it. I’ve been a fucking dick, but I don’t want to lose you. I can’t. I can’t even picture my life without you in it.”
It hurts way too much to look at him right now.
“I don’t know.”
“Anything. Name it, Haven.”
“There is no quick fix for this. You’re talking years of slow decay. Cyrus is a fucking disease that rots everything he touches. I can’t just come up with a random task for you, and call us even. It doesn’t work like that.”
“You have to know that Cyrus only does this insane stuff to you because he loves you, right? I mean, I’ve been silently seething and jealous over that for awhile now. It’s confession night, apparently.”
I scoff and hold the towel tighter.
“Yeah, okay…sure. So, you’re telling me that you want him to throw your food on you, almost drown you, humiliate you at every turn, and piss all over you?”
“No. But I am serious. Cy can’t deal with his emotions. It’s why he lashes out. I’ve been trying to get him to see the truth, but he’s terrified of feelings. He acts like loving someone will kill him, literally.”
“So, you’re saying that I should forgive everything he’s done because underneath it all, he loves me?”
Patrick’s hands fall away as he shakes his head.
“No. There is no excuse for how he has treated you. I’m just saying he doesn’t hate you.
He bullies you cause he’s in love with you and can’t face it.
Having you around drives him crazy. He wants you but doesn’t dare show it.
And if anyone else is interested, then he feels compelled to step in and embarrass you or ruin it somehow because he wants you all for himself. ”