Chapter 59
chapter
fifty-nine
“I was given a second chance I didn’t deserve. I won’t waste it on just surviving.” – Cyrus
CYRUS
Dr. Stevens’ lips are moving, and I hear him droning on like a cartoon character. But I can’t remember a single word to save my soul.
After I heard chronic, progressive, autoimmune disorder, and no cure, I spiraled.
Thank God for Haven. Her pen moves across a pad of paper as she takes notes, and in between her questions, she grabs my hand to ground me.
Every word that comes out of Dr. Stevens’ mouth sounds like a declaration of war. A daily struggle, learning to live with unexpected obstacles. I’m twenty-four. My entire future is ahead of me, and the unpredictability now seems as scary as not knowing. Maybe I wasn’t ready to learn all of this.
I’ve prayed for answers, and it’s exciting to have some, but now…Stevens is going on about managing flares and potential causes. At the end of the day, he may as well say life. Life will set you off from here on out. Good luck.
Needing a moment, I let go of Haven’s hand and walk over to the window to gaze out at the city.
I’ve been living in a bubble. At least I was until I walked in here.
But now…now all I can wonder is how many people out there are just like me?
How many people have this disease or even another, and feel just as lost and scared as me?
How many of those people don’t have a Haven in their lives?
Taking a steadying breath, I look over at the love of my life. Haven must feel my stare. She glances my way and gives me a warm smile. She is the only thing keeping me from a complete breakdown.
“Managing stress and diet will be very important, but there are other things that can trigger a flare. You’ll need to keep a journal and track what they are.
And don’t think of stress as just feeling stressed, but rather the body’s reaction to any form of stimuli.
Illness, working too much, excessive exercise, overexertion, not enough sleep, emotional stress, foods, they can all affect your body adversely. ”
This conversation is triggering.
“I read that severe fatigue is common, along with joint pain and swelling. Can you tell me a few other things to watch out for?”
“I’ll give you what literature we have, as well as a few websites that have information.
The thing to remember is that even if you think it’s under control, this disease is progressive.
What caused a flare last month may not be what causes one this month, but that same thing can cause a flare down the road.
I hate to say this, but it’s like Russian roulette.
It’s never just one factor, such as poor sleep, but that does increase the chances of a flare.
The damage builds as well, so where Cy didn’t have a particular issue five years ago, a new condition has arisen.
Lupus damages organs that cannot be repaired.
That’s why it looks different for everyone.
I know this all sounds very scary, but we know what we are dealing with, and that is a major step. ”
Stevens turns his head, and our eyes meet.
“I’m referring you to a specialist in California. They will be able to give you more information and start you on medication that will help control the disease long term.”
I don’t really acknowledge what he’s said because all I want to do is scream, I fucking told you so. I want to call up all the doctors who misdiagnosed me over the years and yell at every single one of them. Anger burns in my chest, and I’m trying to breathe through it to keep it under control.
But all I see are the pills that made me feel worse.
The blank stares when they didn’t believe me.
The nights I curled up in the fetal position while shaking from pain so bad it felt as if my bones were about to pop out of my skin.
Too many blood draws to count, and no one bothered to think outside the box.
Stevens turns back to Haven, and I block them out.
“Cy?”
Blinking, I realize that another thirty minutes has come and gone.
“You ready to go?”
Nodding, I grip Haven’s hand, and she leads me out of the office and the hospital. Reporters and fans wait outside, but Haven handles them like a pro as she guides me to the limo.
Once we are in the car and leaving the medical building behind, I can’t hold it in any longer. The tears fall. Grabbing Haven, I pull her into my arms, and she holds me tight as I cry.
My life will never look the same. I won’t be the same. And it feels as if part of me has died. What’s left is a new and dangerous neighbor that I don’t want to get to know.
“I should let you go,” I say. “I never want you to have to take care of me.”
“Cy, if you dare say that again, you won’t have to worry about the disease killing you because I will.”
I sniff and then chuckle as Haven pulls back and digs through her purse, producing a tissue like a magic trick.
“I’m serious.”
“So am I,” she says, her voice full of conviction.
“I’m not afraid of the future as long as we have each other. I’m never leaving you, not ever.”
“Even if one day you have to wipe my ass?”
Haven smiles.
“Oh, I was going to get Vex to do that,” she says, with a straight face, and I burst out laughing, until it hurts.
Resting back into the seat, I lock eyes with the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known. I can’t understand how I’ve stolen this angel and made her mine.
Cupping her cheek, I bask in her warmth and determination. She’s always been so strong. She leans closer and places her lips on my damp cheeks.
“Your tears are mine now,” Haven says, repeating what I said to her. “I love you. I always have, and no disease will stop me from loving you every single day of our lives. We’re going to be okay.”
“How do you know?”
“Because we have each other. After all the insanity we’ve endured, this…this is a cake walk. But you need to make me a promise.”
“What’s that?”
“Listen to your body when it’s telling you something is too much. I know you, Cy, you’ll want to run through this like it’s a brick wall, and that won’t work. It will only make things worse. So I’m asking you to listen.”
My lips graze hers. “Alright.”
“That easy?”
“Well…you know I’m a pain in the ass, but I promise to try.”
“That’s all I ask.”
“I love you, Butterfly. You are the quiet strength that lifts me higher than I can ever rise on my own. You keep me steady in a storm, and I don’t know what I would do without you.”
Wrapping her arms around my neck, Haven buries her head and holds me tight. I realize that she’s right. No matter the battle to come…we have one another, and that is what matters most.