Chapter Four #2
Jay had too many questions to know where to start. His feelings were too big. So he opened the envelope. It was a card. He flipped it open, brought it close to his face, and read.
You’re cordially invited to join me on a fourteen-day road trip through the wilds of the U.S.A., seeing sights such as the Grand Canyon, the Vegas strip, Wild West towns frozen in time, The world’s largest ball of twine, NYC, and many more.
Crisp bounced a little. “I know you’re feeling cooped up, so Fabrice and I came up with a plan to get you off and back on property without risk. What do you say? Do you want to go on an adventure with me?”
Jay couldn’t stop staring at the box and all its contents.
He had known he would need a new identity soon.
Jay hadn’t known how to go about that without the Russian government's backing, but he had imagined it would be outrageously expensive. The entire contents of the gift had Jay speechless and feeling things he didn’t know how to process.
Everything that had been growing inside him from living side by side with Crisp came to a head with the contents of a single box.
Crisp wanted to be his family. Jay wanted to touch him.
Well, he ached with that desire every minute of every day, but this time, he was ready to explode.
He had no idea where to go with all these crazy thoughts he had.
Sometimes Crisp looked at him like he felt all the same things as Jay.
But he never did anything about it either, and Jay was just confused and frustrated by these things he couldn’t control.
Now Crisp had done all of this for him while Jay sat there with nothing to offer, and he was just useless in the face of so much.
He had to act, or he might lose what little sanity he possessed.
Jay set the box aside and reached behind his neck.
He took off his necklace and scooted as close to Crisp as he could get, but he kept his gaze locked on the necklace he held.
“I bought this necklace about a month after I was sent on my first mission. As a child, I was given the call name Wraptor to match the hunter I would be. My training was simple. I was sent to get close and kill. My first assignment was this old man who lived in the mountains. He was no challenge at all.” Jay swallowed.
Even though he knew Crisp had been raised the same as he had been, it still felt so wrong to let Crisp see the monster he had been made to be.
“Back home, I’d been forced to kill countless people under controlled circumstances.
I never knew their names or how they came to be in such a position.
To survive, I told myself they were bad people.
Enemies of our cause. This was different.
I sat in his home.” He lifted his chin and forced himself to meet Crisp’s gaze.
“He was no one as far as I could tell. Maybe he had been no more than a test for me. Maybe I passed, but it didn’t feel like glory or service to our country.
It felt wrong. I looked around, desperately searching for a way to justify what I had done.
Then I found it. There was a conservatory of some kind inside his home.
A single living bird sat in a tiny cage surrounded by animals that had been stuffed and various butterflies pinned to velvet.
I moved closer to the bird, unsure if it was truly alive.
It was so still. Then he cocked his head and stared back at me, as if equally curious about my presence.
It was a blue jay. He was beautiful and trapped.
He had been born to live in the wild. It looked and felt so wrong to see him caged.
What kind of monster caged a wild bird meant for freedom?
I took his cage outside and opened the door, but he refused to leave.
Even after I pried the cage away from its base, he sat perched as if the bars had simply turned invisible.
He had the ability to go back to the life he deserved, and he chose to stay.
It broke my heart and enraged me for reasons I couldn’t explain.
Seeing a beautiful creature broken and trapped by the training drilled into him gave me all the justification I needed to leave my guilt behind.
But I couldn’t outrun the feelings I’d experienced.
That was when I chose the name Jay.” He put the necklace around Crisp’s neck.
“I want you to have this.” After closing the clasp, Jay ran his fingertip down the jay bird charm.
He watched the way his scarred hand stroked Crisp’s collarbone as he followed the chain upward with his fingertip.
“I feel the same way when I look at you as I did when I stared at that bird.”
“How did you feel?”
Jay’s gaze lifted and met Crisp’s beautiful light green stare.
“Like life was supposed to be different for me. Like that bird, nothing held me back if I was brave enough. But I didn’t know how to find what I didn’t understand.
No one taught me how to break free. Just like now, when I look at you, I know there’s something more for me here, but I don’t know how to reach for it. No one taught me how to love.”
Crisp drew a shaky-sounding breath, but he never broke eye contact.
He leaned Jay’s way. Jay didn’t know what came next, but he didn’t budge.
Then Crisp’s lips touched him and lingered.
Jay’s hand automatically slid from Crisp’s collarbone to holding his hair.
He didn’t want Crisp to get away. Crisp’s lips parted.
He lightly sucked Jay’s bottom lip. Jay welcomed him and Crisp’s tongue slipped inside to stroke his.
Jay’s heart raced. Each breath he took sounded hard fought.
There had been plenty of times Jay had feared himself and what he was capable of doing.
But he had never been more scared of himself than he was now, and that told him everything.
Crisp felt the way Jay shook, but he didn’t back down.
Jay matched him stroke for stroke, mimicking every move Crisp made.
Crisp shifted closer, moving to his knees before straddling Jay.
This hadn’t come from nowhere. Crisp lived for the longing looks.
He woke up every day ready to spend it with Jay.
Crisp went to bed every night hating the inches separating them and then pretending to sleep each time Jay scooted closer until he spooned Crisp.
He had lain awake, aroused as hell, with Jay’s erection between them.
Neither of them ever acted on their desires before now.
The longing in his chest was suffocating.
Jay had used the L-word. Until spoken aloud, Crisp hadn’t wanted to admit that was exactly what had been growing between them.
It was a silent, gentle love that had slowly built a little more with each passing day and aching night.
Jay wasn’t the only one who hadn’t known how to reach for this.
He had no clue how to break through a lifetime of brainwashing.
All Crisp had known to do was be there while Jay found his way, the way Crisp had done over a decade ago.
There was no magic trick—only time and distance.
Jay was still dangerous. Crisp wasn’t scared to die.
He was terrified of what Jay could do to his heart.
In the meantime, Crisp could show Jay what he could do for Jay’s body.
Crisp moved from Jay’s mouth to his neck.
Jay didn’t try to hide the way he gasped for each breath.
He felt powerful as hell, knowing he was the reason Jay was breathless.
Crisp kissed and licked a path to Jay’s collarbone.
He slipped lower and sucked Jay’s hardened nipple through his T-shirt.
Crisp didn’t stop making his way down Jay’s body until Crisp was on his knees on the floor.
He had Jay’s shirt lifted, savoring every spot he could reach while he undid the button on Jay’s jeans.
Crisp wasted no time springing Jay’s dick free from his underwear. He licked Jay from root to tip.
Jay’s muscles seized beneath him. “Please don’t do that.”
Crisp stared up the line of Jay’s body, still holding the guy’s cock. A small, desperate-sounding noise caressed Crisp’s ears, but Jay’s muscles stayed stiff. “Damn. You should see how beautiful you look. I don’t want you to do this.”
Crisp was frozen with confusion while a hint of humiliation crept in.
He cleared his throat and righted Jay’s clothes.
Crisp kept his eyes on his task. He knew how to take no for an answer, but wow.
This was humbling. It was rare as hell for Crisp to touch anyone.
He was kind of anxiety-ridden when it came to sex.
His experience was extremely lacking beyond giving head.
His confidence had definitely been smashed against the rocks.
“Sorry. Um.” He stood. His eyes darted in every direction.
Everything inside him screamed for him to run.
His pride refused to take that route. “Let me get those pajamas on and grab all the bedding I can find for our movie session.” He blindly headed for the bedroom in a haze.
Crisp fought hard against the urge to cry.
He didn’t know what he had done wrong, but he knew Jay thought men shouldn’t cry.
“Crisp.”