Chapter Twelve #3
That was all Crisp needed to continue. “You’re all special in a way I’ve never been.
Those skills are what’s had you spending nearly every minute together for years, practicing upcoming jobs and whatnot.
Tidy and I haven’t been needed for any of that.
” He looked Tidy’s way. Tidy dipped his chin, letting him know it was okay to continue.
“We haven’t been one of you for a long time.
That’s just life. We each have our own. No one ever expected you to do anything extra for just us.
But when I found Jay, I realized I had dealt with death while feeling isolated for so long, I couldn’t watch another damn person die.
Especially not him. Not when he had endured so much to keep from giving any information about us.
Obviously, that sacrifice had nothing to do with me personally.
” Crisp took a breath to calm himself. It sounded shaky.
He started again. “Somehow, that sacrifice still felt like more than any of you have done for me.” God, those words hurt.
They burned his throat. He felt guilty and selfish.
But this was how they had ended up here, and his brothers deserved a full explanation.
Crisp looked toward Foster, Scout, and then Tidy. “You know none of what I say extends to you.”
Foster looked hurt, but he still nodded. Scout gave him a quick chin up. Tidy’s expression screamed peace. He knew none of what was currently happening had a damn thing to do with him. Crisp spoke for both of them.
Crisp focused on Tracker again. He hated the mixture of guilt and pain staring back at him.
“Jay wasn’t a secret out of fear or because I’m not related to any of you.
Our relationship has been the one thing that’s ever been mine.
He’s the one person who isn’t here for—” Crisp stopped short and ran his fingers through his hair in his frustration.
He felt like anything he said wouldn’t be understood.
They weren’t him. Their experience hadn’t been his, or Tidy’s, or Foster’s.
“Just forget this. None of this was on any of you. You were all out there carving your personal paths to happiness, exactly the way I want for you. That’s all this entire situation has been for me too: me building a new life.
We should’ve just disappeared a long time ago the way Tidy wanted.
You wouldn’t be in this awkward position of feeling like you need to pretend that nothing I’m saying is true.
I wouldn’t have to see all of you look at me the way you are now.
You don’t need to think about this ever again.
” He motioned Jay’s way. “This is Jay. We’re happily married.
Tonight aside, things have been great. I’ve missed all of you a lot. ”
Tracker stared at him without blinking. His expression stabbed Crisp through the heart and made Crisp feel even more like he had middle child syndrome.
He couldn’t take it. “I love you, guys. Nothing has changed.”
Foster was always the on-the-sidelines quiet one.
While Foster had learned he had genuine blood-related brothers amongst the group, he hadn’t changed.
But he sure as hell ended up being the one who exploded.
“Fuck all of that, Crisp. We might not have been needed through every planning session, and worked alone, but fuck that. You are part of this family. Tidy and you deserved better from everyone. I don’t give a good goddamn if anyone was busy or working on themselves, you fucking deserved better.
” For being the quiet one, he had a lot to say because he didn’t stop.
His fury was epic. “I’m here. We’ve spent countless nights talking all night.
Until now, I didn’t realize how much those nights were always all about me, and I’m sorry.
I owe you more.” He swept his arm wide, nearly taking Scout out in the process.
“Everyone in this fucking room owes you and Tidy more.” He eyed every brother as he ranted.
“Who do you think has kept your asses out of prison?” He stabbed himself in the chest with his index finger.
“It’s been us. We’re not ghosts because you guys kill quickly and quietly.
We’re untouchable because Tidy and Crisp have made sure everything you have done has vanished while I stood guard.
” Foster violently motioned toward Jay. “This guy was left for dead because of our actions. He’s every bit the victim of Kuznetsov as we are.
He is us. Now I don’t know him, but Atticus had nothing but good things to say when he broke the news to me.
While we’ve been focusing on ourselves—which I know we’re all equally owed—Jay has been traveling the world with Crisp and Tidy.
He’s given all his focus and time where none of you have. He loves Crisp. Crisp deserves—”