Chapter 36 #2
I did. I tried to open my senses wider. The feeling I had when I was near akadim had completely dissipated. I was sure that feeling had vanished the moment Rhyan’s eyes turned green. But—that could be wrong. Maybe I was just confused by his change, and it was making it hard to sense the others.
“I do.” I leaned forward, and peered back at the street behind us now, my eyes narrowed. “But it doesn’t feel like akadim.”
Rhyan pulled me back into the shadows with him. “They were ordered not to come into the town,” he said. “By—” He took a deep breath. “By me, but first by Morgana. I don’t think they’d disobey her—especially if they still have their collars.”
“So we should be safe here?” I asked.
“As safe as we ever are,” Rhyan said, pressing his forehead against mine.
I almost laughed. “So not safe at all.”
He kissed me. “Let’s get inside.”
Holding hands, we carefully stepped back onto the street and then made the final sprint in the darkness to the inn.
Luckily, no one was at the front desk as I pulled Rhyan into the foyer.
Though in the dark, they weren’t likely to see much difference between Rhyan and Auriel, aside from hair color.
I was, however, hoping to avoid questions about his lack of shoes.
Quickly, my fingers tightening around his, I led him to the stairwell that Auriel and I had used multiple times to get up to our room. And then at last, I unlocked the door, and pulled Rhyan across the threshold, closing every lock and latch behind him.
I reached for my stave, quickly uttering a spell for light, bringing to life all three of the torches embedded in the walls.
I set the wards, reinforcing them and watched as Rhyan peered through and then locked each window.
I slid a table against the door as an extra measure of safety.
The room finally secured, I stopped, and found myself face-to-face in the light with Rhyan. With Rhyan.
His eyes watered as he looked around, slowly taking everything in. The two unmade beds, the leather satchel full of men’s clothing. A spare soturion cloak. And then the items that were clearly mine.
“So Auriel,” he said, his voice heavy. “He was here with you.”
“He um, yes,” I said, suddenly feeling awkward. “He appeared the night I—the night I lost you.” My voice broke.
“I know,” he said. “On the beach.”
“How did you—?” I asked. “Wait—back in the hills— when I mentioned the inn here, you said you knew about it—I thought you were just talking about the town, and you’d seen the inn. But did you—did you already know I was staying here?”
“Before tonight?” he asked. “No. When I was still … still trapped in that body. But …” He sighed.
“There was a moment when Auriel and I—we connected as I was changing. As I was coming back to you, and he was leaving. It was quick. No more than a few seconds, if that. But,” he swallowed.
“His memories—are mine. He’s my past, even if the timeline has gotten somewhat,” he shrugged, “loopy. So a lot of what happened with you two, things he did, things he thought, or saw, it’s almost like they’re becoming my memories.
They’re trickling into my mind, even now. ”
I remembered Auriel telling me that Rhyan had all of his memories, he remembered his life as Auriel. But Auriel didn’t have Rhyan’s. Not yet. Because Rhyan was his future.
But then that meant—Gods.
I met Rhyan’s eyes, my heart pounding. “Everything that happened between us?” I asked.
Rhyan nodded slowly, his mouth tight.
“So that includes things like—?” Don’t, Auriel. Just kiss me.
My cheeks heated and my stomach roiled. “Rhyan?”
His eyes flicked to the bed. To my bed. To the very spot where Auriel had laid me down, my legs spread beneath him, our mouths wild and frenzied as they came together.
“Everything,” he said, his voice hoarse, “everything that was between you.”
I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head. “I was going to tell you about that. I didn’t think—I mean, of course I wanted to tell you what happened, and what it meant to me— but we just only—me and you—” Fuck. I didn’t think I’d be having this conversation less than an hour after I got him back.
“Lyr,” he said, crossing the distance between us.
“Hey, look at me.” He cupped my jaw, forcing my gaze to meet his.
Green eyes. Emerald green. Rhyan’s eyes.
I could see now how his gaze connected to Auriel’s, how the light inside them linked their souls together, how Auriel almost seemed to be peeking back out, and yet, the look he was giving me now was all him. All Rhyan.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m sorry. I felt like I was breaking and I was missing you—and I’d just escaped the cave and—”
He shook his head. “Hey, partner. You didn’t do anything wrong.
I was dead. Okay? And you went through hell.
You have nothing to apologize for. Nothing.
For one moment that happened between you and my soul?
A moment between you and the God I used to be?
” He exhaled sharply. “It’s not like it’s the first time you’ve kissed him. ”
“It was when I was in this body!”
“Asherah,” he said. “It’s okay.”
I frowned, unsure if Rhyan meant I’d kissed Auriel as Asherah, or if he was referring to the part of me that was her.
“Lyr,” he said, “Listen. I can see through his eyes what you went through. All of it, it’s not all organized in my mind.
But it’s there. I can see it.” His eyes welled with tears.
“The way you suffered. Got hurt. And the way you fought for me. Fuck. I thought I couldn’t love you more than I did when you found me in the arena.
I was dying and even then, I was falling more in love with you, and I thought this—this is the pinnacle, and I can die now knowing that.
Knowing how greatly I could love.” A tear fell.
“And be loved. But, every second since you’ve saved me tonight—again—has proven how wrong I was because somehow, Gods, Lyr, I love you more.
I love you so fucking much. And I don’t know how in the world I can show you. ”
“You don’t have to—”
“I do. I do. You deserve it. I want you to have it. And I don’t know how to express it.
How do I explain how grateful I am, how amazed?
How I—Gods—how I should be on my knees, thanking you, worshipping you for bringing me back from hell.
” He brushed my hair from my face. “Lyr, Mekara, I know the circumstances. I see it. And I promise you, every step of the way, you did nothing wrong. And nothing wrong before. You are blameless for what happened to me, blameless for anything that happened after. All that matters now is that you saved me. You brought me back.”
“You would have done the same,” I said, looking away. “You.” My voice cracked. “You wouldn’t have had to … had to save me like this. Because, Rhyan, you wouldn’t have failed, not like I did. You would have gotten to the arena faster, you would have gotten to me on time.”
“Lyr, no. No. Shhh.” He pulled me against him. He smelled like the mines still, a little sulfuric, but also musky—like himself. “Don’t think like that.”
“I know that we were,” I hiccuped. “That we were up against things so fucking beyond our scope of control. And manipulations for things that started before we were born. I know that. I do. But I still … I still see you on the dais when I close my eyes. I still hear your screams. And I see … I see the akadim who took you. And it—Gods. It kills me.”
“And it kills me,” he yelled, “seeing you in the cave tied up, hurt, and scared.” He shook his head.
“The only difference is I’m the one who actually did that to you.
I’m so fucking aware of what I did to you I want to vomit.
The things that I thought when I was akadim, the things I did— fuck.
” His nostrils flared, his mouth tightening.
“Lyr, listen to me. Please. If anyone did anything wrong—it was me. Okay, it was me.”
“But it wasn’t you,” I cried. “It was the demon. It was the—the thing that took over your body. It cast out your soul, and then it took your memories.”
“I know, I know. It did. But I still—I still have its memories, too. Like they’re mine.
Weeks’ worth of them. All the things I did.
All the awful—I mean, I can still—Gods. I can still taste your blood in my mouth.
” His voice shook and he stepped back, his chest heaving.
“Let’s … I mean. Can we …?” He closed his eyes and swallowed, his jaw muscles working.
“I love you,” he said at last. “Gods, Lyr, I love you. And I don’t,” he shook his head, “I don’t blame you for what happened to me.
Okay. Not even a little.” His face fell.
“How could you— how could you think that?”
“I don’t know,” I cried, my vision blurry with tears. “I just—I didn’t want it to happen—any of it.”
“Me neither,” he said, exhaling sharply. “And after all you went through, do you blame me? For hurting you?”
“No,” I said. “No. Not for anything.”
“No?” He lifted his good eyebrow, his eyes darkening.
“Not for tying you up? Dragging you through the caves?” His hand ran down my neck and collarbone, sliding between my breasts.
“Or ripping your clothes off? Smelling you. Biting you. Threatening to—to—” He made a noise of disgust low in his throat and turned away.
“No. And you know that already. Because you did all that to me,” I said quietly. “Or the thing that was you did. And I still went back for you.”
“You pulled me off the bridge,” he said, his voice hushed. “I would have died if it weren’t for you. And then after you— you pulled my soul back. You brought me back to life.”
I moved in front of him. He was struggling to keep from crying.