Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
Kace
Two weeks later, I'm in PT sweating like a high-school football player on the field in August and still pondering the wisdom of my words to Lindsey that night about being glad she was the one I shared my mess with.
The words were appropriate and true because she's become a friend in the time I've known her. But I wonder if our friendship is based on needing each other in a practical sense rather than real friendship. Or…is that real friendship? That of helping each other out when we're able?
Either way, she's already got a life problem she didn't choose and is struggling to find solid footing.
I admire her for choosing to move forward with her pregnancy when so many women wouldn't, but I have to remember I'm simply a steppingstone for Lindsey to get to where she wants to be before the baby is born.
This is a job to her. And while our familiarity and friendship grows deeper every day as we get to know each other better and become more friendly, it's still nothing personal. Nothing deeper.
I'm imagining the way she looks at me sometimes. The interest I see reflected back at me.
That's it, isn't it?
Lindsey doesn't feel she can return to Bronwyn's now that Bron and Gabe are getting married and spending every available moment together.
If I make a move and I'm wrong, I'll ruin everything. Lindsey might think of me as a creep who's taking advantage of our living situation. Feel pressured by me to respond a certain way. I don't want that.
More importantly, I don't want her feeling as though she has to choose me or survival.
If I were to show an interest—and if she were to reciprocate that interest—would she also feel trapped due to her circumstances?
I take my frustrations out on the weights and exercises in physical therapy, but I'm as undecided as ever at the end of my workout. My body is exhausted, but my mind races like a thoroughbred.
I am glad to have Lindsey in the house with me. Living with me. Not just because of her caring for me and the girls, though that's no small thing.
Dani's mom had been the type to throw some meds and water bottles onto the bedside table whenever I got sick and then disappear for a few days until she knew the worst was over.
And while I have dated some amazing women in the past, something about Lindsey just…hits different. The way she's encouraging and murmurs things like, "You've got this, big guy."
Telling myself that I shouldn't feel so appreciative of her praise? Shouldn't be noticing her?
Not working.
She's smart and funny and so patient with the girls. And me. Not to mention beautiful. Though her thinness worries me. She should be gaining weight, not losing it. And I swear I think she's lost a few more pounds since that night.
The hollows of her cheeks are more prominent than when we first met, and her clothes seem baggy rather than getting tight.
I want to help her, no strings attached, but until I can get on my feet and figure out my own life, I have nothing to offer. Right now, I'm not even a man but a patient. Her patient and someone she's taking care of because of an agreement. Nothing more.
I want to pamper her. To be the protector she needs to fight off the fear and anxiety I see sometimes when she's deep in thought.
I want to be able to cradle her when she's sick and not worry that it'll be crossing a line.
I want to tell her that everything is going to be okay, but how can I say that to her when I'm not even sure of it myself?
I'm so far removed from my career at the moment that I don't know what the future holds.
And the fact is—my girls come first. Always.
What kind of dad would I be if they didn't? Dani's still having nightmares about me dying.
And Mads is one bad mood away from bolting.
That girl is getting angrier by the day.
Every day that her mom stays gone, even though her last words before she'd hit the door were, "I, uh, have to go get something. I'll be back."
I was busy cooking dinner for us at the time and thought she meant she had to get something from the car. I hadn't expected to hear the car start and for her to peel out of there.
Madi and I had looked at each other before we both hurried to the door. We got there at the same time. That's why I was close enough to hear Mads suck in a breath that bordered on a sob.
I looked at her, not understanding. Until I watched her push open the screen door to walk out to the duffle bag and a few other things her mother had tossed out.
Madi's stuff. Thrown out like trash.
Left behind like her.
"You look like you're chewing on nails," a voice says nearby. "What's got you fuming?"
I turn my head and see Gabe watching me, arms crossed over his chest. He's in casual clothes, so I'm guessing it's his day off. I've been out of the game so long I've lost track of the shifts. "What are you doing here?"
"Lindsey mentioned dropping you off before bringing Madi to work, so I offered to pick you up."
"He was done twenty minutes ago," my therapist says from the desk. "Get him out of here before he undoes everything we've accomplished."
I wince at Gabe's assessing expression and lower the weights without clanging them. "They're light. No biggie."
"Tell me that tomorrow," my therapist draws, shooting me a hard stare.
I didn't over do it. Much. But I had to work off some frustration, and since Lindsey hadn't arrived yet…
"Sorry I'm late. Traffic," Gabe says.
I grab the crutches and get to my feet, practically growling, or maybe groaning, from the pull of muscles. "Let's get out of here."
I head toward the door, aware of the fact my best friend is eyeing me like I'm a prickly bear waking up from hibernation. I can't help it, though. I'd gone too deep down the rabbit hole of all the things wrong at the moment, and I still haven't found my way out.
The hallway is busy with staff, caregivers and patients coming and going from therapy. We wait in silence at the elevator, but once on board and alone, Gabe lifts a thick eyebrow and crosses his arms over his chest once more in his typical chief stance.
"What's going on with you?"
I swipe a hand over my face and grimace at the sweat, leaning my head low and shoulder high to take another swipe on the material of my damp tee, all the while juggling the stupid crutches. "Nothing."
"Try again."
The elevator slows and dings, and I look up to see an elderly couple get on board. Gabe greets them with a nod but shoots me a glance that says I'm not off the hook.
Once we're off the elevator and on our way to his Jeep, he tries again.
"You know you can talk to me."
"I know."
He swears softly. "So talk. What's going through that thick skull of yours? Is it about work? Therapy? What?"
He walks me to the passenger side of the Wrangler like a freaking prom date, and I hobble on one leg and shift the crutches out of the way to haul myself up and in. At least now I can sit in the front seat instead of having to ride in the back everywhere like my ride is driving Miss Daisy.
Gabe stashes the crutches in the backseat and gets behind the wheel. He starts the Jeep and gets the AC cranked to combat the August heat outside, but he makes no effort to get us moving.
Great, now I'm trapped. Literally. For the love of—
"Start talking and don't stop until you tell me everything going on with you."
"You my shrink now?"
"If I need to be, yeah," he counters. "But more than that, I'm your friend. And you're about to be my best man. So talk."
Silence. Gabe doesn't budge or look away. So I do. I roll my head on my neck, and it pops loudly as I stare at the flag flying outside the hospital doors. "Fine. I'm…frustrated."
More silence. Yeah, Gabe's not giving an inch. But how do I tell the man my new roomie is the source of my mood? Well, one of them, anyway?
"It's too soon to know, Kace. Just relax, do the PT and follow the doc's orders. Then worry about what comes next. You've got time. You were injured on the job, which means you're covered financially. You'll figure things out."
I nod. Because of course Gabe thinks I'm worried about work and getting back to it. And I am, but that's not—
"Unless this is about something else?"
I try to school my features, but he sees something I can't hide. I can tell because of the slight widening of his eyes.
Gabe shifts in his seat with a low, "Ahhh, I see."
"You see what?" I grumble.
"That you're a grump because of your beautiful caretaker."
Part of me wants to shrug him off and lie through my teeth, but I don't. "Is it that obvious?"
"Only to someone who's known you forever. So what's the problem?"
I still and then turn an incredulous look his way. "Which one?" I demand. "I can't go after Lindsey."
Gabe's thick eyebrows pull low. "Why not?"
"Shouldn't you be a little more protective of your future sister-in-law?" I ask instead. "She's pregnant and vulnerable. The last thing she needs is some loser making her life harder."
"That's true, but you're hardly some loser. You're a good guy and from what I know of her, she's a good person."
"She is. But I'm currently unemployed, out of commission for the foreseeable future, with two girls to provide for and a lot to figure out."
"You're on medical leave, not unemployed. And that cast will come off eventually. Once you go for the physicals, you'll have a better idea of what happens next," Gabe says. "Right now, all I'm hearing are excuses, and that's not like you."
I rub a hand over my face and groan, leaning my elbow along the window.
"My so-called future is up in the air. I have no idea what's going to happen with Mads when—if—my sister comes back, and Dani— I have to protect my girls.
I can't start something that blows up in my face and hurts them.
They've been through too much already, and the last thing they need is another woman walking out of their lives, leaving them behind. "
I know my words strike home when Gabe straightens in the seat. A slow nod comes after a long inhalation and exhale.
"Yeah. I get that. But Lindsey isn't like that."
"You've known her how long?"
Gabe winces, and this time I'm the one nodding.
"See? She's nice. She's capable and beautiful and smart, but it's too much of a risk, man. My girls come first. Dani comes first. I can't do something that'll hurt them."
"You don't know that it won't work."
"I don't know that it will, and Dani is already messed up because her mom's blown her off so many times. Besides, that's assuming Lindsey's even interested. She's got enough going on without throwing an instant family into the mix. That's the last thing she needs."
Gabe braces his arm atop the steering wheel, tapping his thumb against the top. "So what are you going to do?"
"Nothing. I'm going to keep my thoughts and hands to myself and do what's best for my girls and Lindsey."
I glance at Gabe and see the twinkle in his eyes. "What?"
He grabs the gear shift and finally puts the Jeep in Reverse.
"Nothing."
"You haven't held back so far. You've got something to say, so say it."
"Just thinking I'm going to enjoy the steak dinner I just won."
Gabe's amusement fills the air but the worst part?
I get the feeling he sees the very thing I'm still trying hard to deny.