Chapter 16
B en walked Penny to the door of his office, after they’d finished their first in-person therapy session in a month. She was all relaxed smiles today, a stark contrast to the last time he’d seen her, the day he’d sent her to the emergency room.
“I want to apologize again, for coming here in the state I was in.” She shook her head, shifting her blonde bob from side to side. “In my right mind, I never would have done that.”
“No apologies needed. You coming in that day gave me a good reminder to contact all the physicians of my patients about their medications. I can’t assume their doctors will check the records from other providers. So you did me a service.”
“I don’t know about that. I’m still pretty embarrassed.”
“It will prevent what happened to you from happening to anyone else.”
“I guess you’re right.” She fiddled with the clasp on her purse, lingering in the doorway.
“It’s not embarrassing to ask for help, or to need help.”
He should take his own advice. Vanessa would have a field day if she’d heard him say that last sentence.
“I want to thank you for the flowers you sent a couple of weeks ago, too. It was such a nice gesture,” she said.
“Of course. Flowers are good for mental health.”
“Oh, they are. You can’t be sad around flowers. And I saw on social media that you’d sent flowers to some of your other patients, too.”
“That’s right. We sent out quite a few.”
Her brow furrowed. “Did you send them to everyone, then? That must have been expensive.”
Ben froze, then forced his shoulders to relax. Clearly, she wanted an explanation. “Yes, we sent them to everyone. We wanted to show how much we appreciate all our patients.”
“You know, I was talking to my friend Beverly. She’s a patient of yours, too? She was worried she hadn’t seen you in person for a while. She said she’d called and asked for an appointment, but the only ones available were video calls. But I told her I’d seen you twice in two weeks, so there was nothing to worry about.”
Penny leaned forward, as if sharing a secret. “Anyway, Beverly heard some people were leaving the clinic. I told her not to pay attention to gossip. Who’d want to leave this place? You all are the best.”
“Thank you. That means a lot. And we’ll be here for a long time to come.”
“I’m glad. And I got the email about your referral program. I’ll definitely tell my friends. In case you need more patients, which I’m sure you don’t.”
“We’d appreciate it.”
He waved goodbye to her and shut the door, then sank down into his desk chair, rubbing a hand over his forehead.
If Penny had made the connection that other people hadn’t seen him in person, how many other patients had, too? He had to be here, to be reliable and available. Maybe if Nell was in his life long-term, he could take on working at the clinic full-time again.
He opened his office door and went to Cameron’s desk in the waiting room. His assistant stabbed at his salad with a fork while he squinted through his glasses at a spreadsheet on his computer screen. He had earbuds in his ears, and didn’t notice Ben approaching.
“Cameron.”
The younger man jumped and pulled out his earbud. “Sorry. Yes. Did you need something?”
“When people have been calling to make appointments, and you give them the option of an in-person appointment, what have their responses been?”
“Oh, um. Mostly good.” He shifted around in his chair, looking uncomfortable. His suspenders of the day had a galaxy of stars, along with tiny starships.
“Some people were surprised, but they were happy to have the choice. Others still want to keep their video calls.”
“And they didn’t say anything negative? No one was impatient with you?”
“Well. One woman said, ‘About damn time.’ And another one said she’d been thinking of switching doctors. But it’s mostly been positive.”
“That’s good. Will you let me know if anyone gives you trouble about it?”
“Of course.”
Ben frowned. “And Cameron. You can eat lunch away from your desk. Maybe take a walk on your break?”
“I know I can.” The younger man shrugged. “I get more done this way. Grad school is kicking my ass.”
“I remember that well.”
Cameron bobbed his head, put his earbud back in, and returned to studying his screen.
Ben kept frowning as he went back into his office and shut the door behind him. Was no one in this entire clinic practicing what they preached? The Well Space was dedicated to helping people find good mental health, in theory.
In practice, they had employees working through their lunch breaks, arriving before 7:00 a.m. Suffering from anxiety and panic attacks, in his own case. And in Vanessa’s case, chronic relationship problems, even though she was an expert on love. She’d broken up with a dozen men since he’d known her.
He sank into his desk chair again. He’d had a giant blind spot when it came to his own clinic, his baby, and that was unacceptable. Everyone deserved to experience the kind of happiness he’d only started to discover the last two weeks.
He spent the afternoon in his office, making it his first full day outside his house. Vanessa’s patient intake reports for the week were reassuring. The referral program had brought in a few new people. He’d been able to stay at the clinic for longer periods of time, and he didn’t feel as tired as he had during his first week back.
Everything was better, including the inside of him. He hadn’t had a panic attack in over a week. Maybe he’d defeated the anxiety again, pushed it back into the dark where it belonged. He could have his life back, and put this whole terrible last year behind him.
It was also the third week of dating Nell. Nell, who he was now one hundred percent, irretrievably in love with. He would tell her, as soon as this week was over, and hope she felt a fraction of the same feeling.
But even if she did feel the same way, she was complex, difficult to read, and she hid her emotions better than anyone he’d met. She cared for him, that much was clear, and their chemistry was explosive. But it might take a long time for her to fall in love.
He could wait for her. As long as she didn’t shut him out, he’d keep searching for the little things that opened her up, like a lock springing open when the tumblers clicked into the correct order. She might not trust her own feelings, but they existed.
Once he was past his anxiety problem of the last month, over it for good, he’d be able to take her out, do all the things he hadn’t been able to do so far. Then, he’d finally be well enough, good enough for this relationship to happen.
* * *
Nell greeted him at her doorway that night with a quick kiss, keeping the door angled so Marco couldn’t see their lips meet. It was torture now, pretending they were friends. No hugs or cuddles, no kisses, and definitely no smelling her hair.
Just friends, he reminded himself as he stepped inside, carrying a cardboard box wrapped in blue paper tucked under his arm.
“I hope you don’t mind, I brought him a gift,” he said.
Nell narrowed her eyes at him in mock annoyance. “Is that what I think it is?”
“It might be.”
Marco came skidding around the corner, his socks sliding on the linoleum entryway. “Ben. Guess what I found yesterday.”
“More geodes?” he guessed.
“Not even that. I think it might be a fossil. But Mom isn’t sure. You need to look at it.”
“I’d be glad to.”
Marco’s eyes caught on the box. “Is that a present? Is it for my mom?”
“It’s for you, actually. Would you like to take it to the living room to open it up?”
Marco grabbed the box and ran down the hallway to the living room.
Ben used the opportunity to snag Nell around the waist and kiss her, hard and full of need. She broke away a few seconds later, flushed.
“I missed you,” he said softly.
“Me too.”
“Tell me about your day. Did you have a lot of deliveries?”
“Not more than usual. Lots of spring bouquets going out. And we’re planning wedding flowers with a couple who came in the other day. They decided to get married on short notice—in just two weeks. Kind of romantic.”
“That sounds fun.”
“It is. I liked showing them all the color combinations, and the different floral arrangements they could choose from.”
“And the manager’s job? The one you told me about the other day. Have you filled out the application yet?”
She paused for a split second, her eyes shifting away from his. “No. I … Not yet. I’m still not sure.”
“You’ll know when you’re ready,” he said, keeping his tone light.
She was lying, and she was good at it, too. No one else might have noticed. But there’d been a hint of vulnerability on her face—there one second, gone the next. She was afraid of rejection. And that was understandable, given her past.
Marco interrupted them by running back into the kitchen, carrying the large plexiglass case with shelving inside. Ben had assembled it before wrapping it up. Marco had already put several of his geodes and other rocks inside, along with some dinosaur figurines. Marco bobbled the case, then righted it at the last second.
“Let’s set this down, so we can take a look at it.” Ben guided him to the dining room table, while Nell went to the kitchen to stir something on the stove.
“Th-thank you. I needed a place to put all my rocks.” Marco’s face lit up with excitement, and Ben’s chest tightened.
“You’ll have such a big collection, you’ll need another case soon. You’ll have to show me when you fill this one up.” He looked up to see Nell shaking her head at him from the other room, amusement in her gaze.
“I will. Wait ‘til you see this new one.” He took off out of the kitchen to get his new fossil, which did in fact turn out to be a fossil.
“You’re the only one I’ve shown my rocks to,” Marco told him, when Nell was out of earshot. “I’d never bring them to school in case they got stolen.”
Ben frowned. “Do people steal things at your school?”
“Only from me. Because they like to be bullies. Don’t tell Mom I said that.” Marco’s eyes pleaded with him to understand.
“I won’t. But why did they steal from you?” Ben fought to keep his voice level, so his sudden surge of anger wouldn’t scare Marco.
Marco shrugged. “Because I wouldn’t say anything. I d-didn’t used to talk at school last year. Not at all.”
A familiar mix of tenderness and rage flooded Ben’s veins, half-remembered from his childhood days of fending off bullies from Leah.
He’d keep his word to Marco. But if this boy was his, he’d go straight to the school and tell them. He’d make sure it never happened again. But Marco wasn’t his, and neither was Nell. Not yet, not really.
Their dinner conversation covered how scientists date rocks, how old were the oldest rocks, and what kinds of dinosaurs might have lived in Missouri. After dinner and Marco’s bedtime, when Nell had tucked her son into bed, she joined Ben on the couch.
“It might be a while before he falls asleep,” she warned.
“I remember.”
“Thank you for the gift. He’s always so excited to see you.” She looked down at her lap as she spoke.
“Are you worried about that? That he might be getting attached?” He wanted to tell her not to worry. He wasn’t planning on letting Marco down. Or her.
“Not worried, exactly. I guess it makes me realize how much he needs more than just me. As a single mom, I try to be everything to him. But I can’t do that.”
“No one can be more than one person.”
“I know that, in my mind. In reality, I’ve had to at least try to do it all. There wasn’t any other choice.”
“Nell. You have to know I want to be there for you. For both of you.” The words spilled out of him, too close to what he wanted to say, and not quite enough.
She drew in a breath. “It’s almost the end of the three weeks.”
“I am very aware of that fact.”
“And we haven’t talked about what we’ll do next. When the trial run is over.”
His heart rate accelerated. “My anxiety is better. I haven’t had a panic attack in a week. If I can keep it under control, like it is now …”
She shook her head. “You know I don’t care about that. I’d want you either way, whether you’re having more or less anxiety.”
“What if I never got any better? You’d want a partner who couldn’t go places like a restaurant or a show? A person who had a hard time going for a walk?”
Her eyes met his, solemn and glinting gray. “I would want that person, if that person was you.”
Ben shut his eyes for a moment, swallowing past the burning lump in his throat. “Not like that. I need to be well to be with you, to be there for you. If you can ever trust me enough to let me.”
Nell pulled him into her arms and he went, burying his face in her neck, where her smell was sweetest.
Her voice was a soft vibration against his forehead. “I’d be willing to keep trying, after this week. If you are. I … care about you, Ben.”
It was enough for now, that she’d admitted a sliver of feeling for him. Ben kissed her softly instead of replying, because if he replied, he’d say he loved her, and she wouldn’t be ready to say it back. No words were good enough for her, anyway.
Later, after Marco was asleep, Ben made love to her, like he’d done almost every night this week. This was his person, the only one who’d ever made him feel. She couldn’t say it yet, but she must feel the connection, the same as he felt it, a live wire inside his chest attached to her.
Afterward, he held her tight, part of him unable to believe it could be this easy, and he would get to keep her after all. He stroked her hair and pressed kisses to the top of her head.
Maybe that was why, as she fell asleep against him, he didn’t wake her this time. He didn’t want this to end. He shut his eyes and let himself drift, with the woman he loved right where she was supposed to be, in his arms.