Chapter 21
Chapter
Twenty-One
ARA
We come in third after a flight of the Eastern and the Northern division, but all I can think about are Tate’s words.
And still I’m here, still I can’t stay away from you.
My heart aches with a mix of hope and fear. If he truly cares about me… I bury the thought before it can fully unfurl. Getting out of my promise is impossible, and the thought that Tate’s feelings might be real … it shreds me.
Despite her threats of making my life miserable, Livia has ignored me so far. Fine with me since my life is bad enough as it is. Tate is back to treating me with cool indifference, and who can blame him if… I push the thought away.No, spewing pretty words doesn’t make them true.
My gift remains unpredictable and is still all over the place, especially when he stands next to me. At least my grasp on my magic gift has improved, and my hold on it is even tighter since the incident with the fire.
I don’t sleep well, and my nightmares come more and more often. Next to the one about me burning everyone and everything around me, there is also a strange man threatening me, torturing me. And like the incident with Livia, something is strangely familiar about it.
I do my best to exhaust myself during training to keep them at bay, but it doesn’t always work. And worrying about everything else has cost me my appetite.
“The stronger your magic becomes, the more regularly you have to release it,” Galdur says as she steps through the door and walks over to her lectern. She’s always like that, starting right away, not bothering with greeting or niceties, as if she had already been lecturing on the way here.
“Yes, you can go days, some of you even weeks, before you feel the effect of the accumulating magic, but I wouldn’t advise it.
First of all, your magic will become harder and harder to control the longer you bottle it up.
Second of all, your strength will grow with daily use, and third, unless your gift is premonition, you’ll never know what the next day brings, so it’s better not to wait too long before releasing it.
“In short, you have to find ways to use it in your everyday life and not just for full-blown attacks.” She starts pacing the front of the room, her steps on the stone echoing off the bare walls.
“Fire gifted can use their gift to warm their bath, their tea, or themselves, for instance. And most of you already handle that quite well. Ice can do the opposite. Ice baths are supposed to be healthy,” she says, drawing a few laughs from the class.
I’m grateful I have fire. I hated cold showers and baths, even before what happened at the palace.
But since Solaris explained to me that it is dangerous if my core temperature drops too low, and the bath in the river, my motto is the hotter, the better.
Cold water seems to be especially dangerous since it leeches warmth so effectively.
“No, roasting your fellow riders is not an acceptable way to use your gift,” Galdur says and earns a few more laughs.
“But seriously, I know some of you have it harder. Decorating your room with illusions, playing with shadow or light, or letting something hover in the air for fun is easy to accomplish without involving others. But those with healing, necromancy, influencing, or emotional manipulation, for instance, have little chance to use their gift without involving others. That doesn’t mean there aren’t ways to release it without breaking the rules.
” She looks over the rows. “Everyone with elemental gifts, you should be able to figure something out. If you need pointers, ask other riders with the same magic or come to me after class. Psychics who need training partners, please get up.”
She looks over the group of about twenty riders, assessing.
“Healers, I already talked to Professor Medella at the healing quarters. She expects you every day for an hour after lunch. Those of you gifted at understanding animals are always welcome in the coop to chat with the birds, or you could seek out other animals. Your fellow riders won’t be much help even though some might behave like animals,” she says dryly.
And the slight smile at the responding chuckles lets me suspect she enjoys her role.
“Simeon, don’t get too comfortable. The king will likely graduate you early and appoint you as an ambassador.
A gift for understanding all languages is on his list, and reported as soon as a rider shows it.
Petrification.” She shakes her head at two riders, one from the northern and the other from the western division.
“I won’t let you practice by turning your fellow riders into stone.
Sorry, you’ll have to start with plants.
Our head gardener marked an area where you can practice without risking anyone.
Necromancers, we already talked.” She nods at Mariel and another girl from the northern division.
“That leaves the rest.” Her eyes wander over the group of about ten people still standing. “I will assign you a new rider every week, and you will train with them daily. Since they have to learn how to shield their thoughts and emotions, the training will benefit both of you.”
“Great, someone poking around in my head or my emotions sounds fun,” I grumble, and Mariel grimaces.
“Ask me how much I look forward to spending time with the dead,” she shudders.
“I swear, the first time one of them starts talking to me, I’ll run away screaming.
” She sighs. “And it’s not like I would get out of the other fun.
I’m not even sure what is worse, someone knowing my feelings or my memories. No offense…”
“None taken,” Calix says good-naturedly.
“But if you poke around in my emotions, I’ll castrate you,” Mariel finishes.
“Now I do feel offended,” he complains, and we laugh.
“I’m glad I don’t have many secrets,” Calix says while we file out of the room. When I stay silent, he sighs. “We know you have too many of them.” He bumps my shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“No, don’t be. After that announcement”—he nods at the room behind us—“I’m glad I don’t know.”
“Me, too,” Mariel agrees.
My eyes prickle. I have the best friends in the world. And things could be worse. I was paired with an emotion-bender, not an influencer or mind reader.
My appetite hasn’t come back, and if possible, the added worry on how I will partly shut out the emotion-bender next week without losing control of my fire in the process has made my sleeplessness worse.
The result is occasional dizziness and feeling like shit, which, turns out, is not ideal while dealing with sharp weapons.
I curse, looking at the blood running down my arm.
“Sorry, Ara.” Simeon looks apologetic, but I wave him off.
“My fault,” I assure him.
“Here, let me,” he says, snatching the shirt he discarded and wrapping it around my arm. “Unless you want to leave a bloody trail for effect?”
I snort. “No, thanks.” I sway a little.
“Let’s get you to the healers,” he says, and after letting Arkwright know we are on our way, Simeon accompanies me down the corridor.
And I try very hard not to think about the fact that this is the first time I visit the healing quarters and that someone else besides Tate will heal me. It freaks me out.
There is no reason for it, of course. I have such a tight handle on my gift that it doesn’t react at all when I come in contact with magic anymore… I could ask Tate instead. No, the thought of having him this close, of his hands on me, is too tempting.
“Ara, what happened?” Jared asks from behind us. I turn and nearly sigh in relief when Tate isn’t anywhere in sight.
“I’m heading to the healing quarters. I’ll take her,” he dismisses Simeon, who only nods and drudges back to class.
“What are you doing at the healing quarters?” I ask.
“I asked first,” he says and looks at me expectantly.
“Accident during training. I stumbled.” I shrug. It’s not like I haven’t had it before, and my body has the scars to prove it. But the dizziness does worry me.
“Are you alright?” Jared asks.
“Nothing I didn’t have before.” I smile at him.
“No. I mean, are you alright?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” I bristle. I really have had enough of everyone asking me that lately.
“I don’t know. Maybe because you and my best friend used to look at each other all moony-eyed, and now you both act like a cat I’m trying to give a bath to as soon as I mention the other’s name?” He looks at me while I focus straight ahead.
And still I can’t stay away from you.
“Leave it,” I say.
“Funny, that is the same thing he says,” Jared replies dryly. For once, his humor seems to be missing.
“Maybe you should listen. Wait,” I stop short. “That is not the way to the healing quarters.”
“No, it’s the way to your personal healer.”
“No.” I shake my head. “I can’t. I don’t want his hands on me.”
Jared’s look changes from empathetic to disappointed.
“Fine, have it your way.” He sighs, and even though he doesn’t say anything, judgment flows off him in waves.
“You don’t need to accompany me.” I quicken my step, but he easily stays next to me.
“Right and risk him ripping my head off if something happens to you? No thanks.”
I scoff. “You could tell him you never saw me.”
“Lie to him?” He shakes his head at me. “You really don’t know him at all, do you?”
“What do you mean?” I look at him, waiting for an explanation, but it never comes.
The rest of the way is cloaked in a heavy silence. I mumble a goodbye and rush into the healing quarters as soon as we arrive, too eager to get away from Jared and his silent judgment.
A young healer takes me into a room and cleans the wound. His smooth hands feel strange when I’m used to the slight rasp and tickle of Tate’s callused ones, but I quickly shut down that thought.
“Maybe you should hear him out after all,” Solaris suggests.
“And what good would that do?” I ask him. “Even if he means it, if he has an explanation for everything, even if I trust him again, there is still Frederick…” And the promise he blackmailed me into.
The healer places his hands on my skin, and his magic flows into me. I flinch. It feels strange to have someone else’s gift invading my body. The coolness tries to rise at my agitation, but I double down, not giving it the chance.
I thank the healer and hurry out of the room as soon as possible, promising myself to be more careful from now on.
As I leave the healing quarters, I run straight into Tate. His cool gaze wanders over me, taking in the blood-covered remains of my tunic and Simeon’s blood-stained one in my hand.
“So Jared ran right back to report on me?” I snap, and Tate’s brows rise at my tone.
“I’m on my way to a meeting,” he says evenly. “Was there something to report?”
I instantly feel foolish. What did I expect? That he would rush to my side, concerned and demanding answers?
And still I can’t stay away from you.
Yes, dammit, that is exactly what I had hoped for.
“No, of course not.” I raise my chin, trying to keep my face as stoic as his. For a second, I think he’s going to say something, but he doesn’t.
I walk past him and don’t allow myself to look back while I stride down the hall, determined to put as much distance between us as possible until I see him again tomorrow morning.