Chapter 19 #2
My anger stirred with the comment. The glance he shared with Hart was enough to raise my metaphorical hackles. “I’m doing what I can. I tried.”
I glanced at Hart. The gem’s flashing lights snatched my attention as he paced.
He appeared deep in thought. It gave me the opportunity to glower at the pendant hanging from his neck.
Maybe staring at it would grant me clarity on how to open up to the man who had refused to do so with me—although I guessed the flashing lights on the pendant indicated that wasn’t so true anymore.
He met my gaze. A part of me feared he could read my thoughts. That the hurt I tried so desperately to keep from him was written plainly on my face, for everyone to see. He opened his mouth. Silence stretched. It felt like a thousand questions could be asked and answered between us.
I crossed my arms over my chest. He shook his head. His disappointment might have morphed into frustration. Well, he could join the club. We wouldn’t be in this situation if he’d been honest with me.
Now is your chance to be honest with him.
I pushed the thought from my mind. If Alaric’s workshop hadn’t helped me find my sadness, this mountain valley certainly wouldn’t.
Raindrops fell in the forest around us, a soft patter on the leaves and branches.
It had the added benefit of obscuring the tear that may or may not have slipped to my cheek.
“We should head back to the Storm,” Hart said, resigned.
Charon flew us to the top of the mountain pass. From his silence as we separated, I couldn’t help but feel like I’d let him down, too.
The rain picked up as we trekked down the southeastern side of the pass.
It was so late. In fact, it was likely early morning.
The weight of my exhaustion hit me as we walked.
Each step grew a little slipperier as the water soaked into the soil.
I slowed to steady myself, but when I lost my feet with the next step, Hart was there.
The heat present every time we touched burned away the chill of the rain. My clothes were soaked through, but that spot where my hand rested on his arm was like a lit match reaching for kindling.
Our connection had brought me back when the Oldwood and my connection to Charon threatened to pull me under. In the short time I’d known him, Hart had always been that steadying presence.
He met my gaze, and the forest green reminded me of another trek we’d taken together.
Another day when anything had seemed possible.
The first time he’d brought me to the Storm’s camp had been eye-opening.
Until then, I’d had no understanding of what he offered, what he wanted from me.
He’d proved that day that he was willing to send me away.
He’d get me wherever I wanted to go. Yet that was the same day we’d entered the adamas cavern for the first time—a reminder that he’d known about Charon, suspected part of what my uncle was doing, and still had told me nothing.
“What do you want from me?” I asked.
He held my gaze.
“No, really, Hart. Tell me. You claim I’m avoidant, but it’s not as if you offer explanations. You’re no more approachable than Alaric in the afterlife.”
He flinched. Pain flared in my chest like a knife stabbing deep, the same way it did every time I thought of my uncle. I breathed through it. My pain surrounding Alaric was deep, but there was even more to be said about his methods.
“Alaric kept things from me my entire life. He wanted to protect me, I guess. I still don’t know what to do with that.”
“Ember—”
I shook my head. It wasn’t just about Alaric. “That’s not what I want to say.”
As Eris had chided, I knew what needed to be said, I just couldn’t find a way to get the words out. If we stood a chance, I needed to. Hart had done his part. He’d continued to prove that there was more to him in all of this than I wanted to see.
I reminded myself that I could do hard things.
“I’ve only known you for a matter of weeks. And, somehow, I’m just as disappointed in what you kept from me as what my own family did. Maybe more.” My voice broke. “How does that even make sense?”
I wasn’t sure Hart was breathing. His finger twitched at his side, and the stiffness of his body released momentarily, like he’d crumple or lean into the pain I spewed at him. He looked like he wanted to say something—anything to lessen this hurt in my chest.
He couldn’t. There was nothing he could say.
I attempted another step and slipped in the mud. Hart was there again, but something … shifted in our connection.
“Alaric is gone. And I have to deal with that. But you’re right there, and I don’t know what to do with you.
” My tears fell in earnest now, and as I lifted my hand to uselessly wipe my eyes, to fight a losing battle against my feelings and the weather, my gaze locked on the pendant dangling around his neck.
With a final flicker, the blue illuminated to a solid glow. I may have spoken the truth, but it brought me no relief.
I wished this hadn’t been what I needed.
I wished Hart was still blissfully unaware of how much he’d hurt me.
It was bad enough to have my family lie to me my entire life.
They were mine by blood. We’d find our way through our pain.
Hart had been the first thing I’d chosen for myself.
The first person I’d let in. The only person I’d told my secret to.
He held my gaze as he reached to swipe a tear from my cheek with one warm finger. It was impossible to tell if he caught a tear or a raindrop, but he moved so slowly that he gave me every opportunity to push him away.
I didn’t. Couldn’t.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I’ll say it every day for the rest of my existence.”
It was my turn to suck in a breath.
“I know my words mean nothing to you now.” He shook his head.
“I know I fucked all of this up. I’d resigned myself to a different fate.
No matter how sure I’d been of my path, nothing prepared me for finding you.
I’ll show you, prove that I can do better.
And hope I can earn back a semblance of your trust by the time we break this curse. ”
He finished with a surety that I couldn’t ignore. It sent butterflies fluttering in my stomach even as it churned with anxiety. I didn’t know which outcome to hope for. To finish our task and be done with him as fast as possible? That’s what I’d told myself in Linia. But did I want him gone?
The way his palm curled around my cheek made me want to lean into him, made me want to believe his offered words.
“I’m here for you, Chaos. I follow you. As long as you’ll have me.” Again, he spoke words of reassurance I didn’t even know how to ask for. I opened my mouth, unsure how to respond. His gaze was patient, and his thumb swiped across my cheek again.
The rain grew dense, like a curtain of water that couldn’t be parted. Hart must have realized his lazy swipes did nothing to fight the onslaught. Lightning flashed, and something cracked in the distance. A tree?
Then something salty coated my tongue. It wasn’t quite fear. In that moment, his intense focus morphed into concern.
Hart repeated Eris’s warning as he tilted his head into the downpour. “She’s bound to notice.”
Themis.
“She’ll get more creative,” I added.
A brief glance down the mountain illuminated our next challenge. Rain churned to mud, and the crack we’d heard sent the first tree tumbling down the mountainside, toward our safe harbor in these woods.
“We have to get to the Storm.” He grabbed hold of my hand, steady and warm as he urged us into a sprint down the trail.