Chapter 37
THIRTY-SEVEN
“So we’re really doing this today?”
Chelsea stood at my side, boxes at her feet, as the door of my mother’s room taunted me.
We’d been in a stalemate for almost an hour, and, honestly, I was no closer to going inside.
Anna played on the floor behind us, blissfully unaware of my internal struggle.
I groaned, running my hand over my face.
“This is stupid. It’s just a room. It’s not like I can’t go in there. ”
Even as I said the words, the weight of the room bore down on me.
Sure, I’d gone in a few times over the years, searching for necessary paperwork and to make sure nothing was growing inside the hallowed walls, but I’d always scurried back out, sure not to bother any of my mother’s belongings.
The room had become a time capsule, as if my mother would come back and reclaim it for herself.
Chelsea reached out and squeezed my hand. “We can try again tomorrow. There’s no rush.”
“Yes, there is,” I breathed out. “It’s time, Chels. Her stuff has been sitting in there for years. I can’t keep living like this, afraid of a room in my home. It’s just…if I clear it out…”
“Then it means she’s really gone,” she finished for me. She plopped on the back edge of the couch, joining me in my staring contest. We sat in silence for a couple of minutes before she spoke. “Why now?”
Because I needed to move on with my life.
God, that sounded so selfish. But the truth was, I’d ignored my grief up as much as I had this room.
I left behind a locked door, never to be faced again.
While Anna was a baby, it was easier to leave it like this, to focus on my daughter instead, but now that she was getting older, I had woken up after years of being on autopilot, and I couldn’t keep ignoring the past.
“Jace and I had a fight.”
Chelsea arched her brow. “And this has to do with your mom’s room because…”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Because the fight wasn’t about us. He tried to help me, offered to support me so I could go back to school, and I-I took it badly.”
“Okay…explain that to me, because I’m not seeing it. That sounds like a good thing, Kins.”
“It is,” I sighed. “But the moment he brought it up, I shut down. And he…he told me he loves me. I couldn’t say it back.
Not because I don’t love him. I do, Chels.
I really do.” Clearing my throat, I stared down the door.
“I don’t want to keep wasting time when I could be happy with him.
I-I need to stop letting the past dictate my future. ”
Chelsea held my hand a little tighter. “I’m proud of you, Kins. For facing this. But I have to ask…” Her gaze followed mine. “Do you want to stay here?”
It should have been an easy yes. Of course, I wanted to stay at my mom’s place.
But as I willed my mouth to move, it refused.
In the past two years, I’d never stopped to think about it.
When my mom passed, the plan had always been to sell the condo.
After I found out I was pregnant, I moved in to feel closer to her, and because I had nowhere else to go.
But it was never meant to be our forever home.
“I-I don’t know.” The admission made my chest ache, as if even uttering the words was a betrayal of my mother’s memory.
“As much as I love it here, it’s always going to be mom’s place.
Changing anything, moving anything, it feels wrong.
I don’t know if I want to live like that for the rest of my life. ”
“She wouldn’t have wanted that either.”
The quiet admission was the push I needed, and I leaned in and twisted the knob.
The stale air wafted toward us, a silent warning we were about to cross a line we couldn’t take back.
But it was time—it had to be. I had to stop living my life surrounded by ghosts if I ever wanted to have a future with Jace.
The floral bedspread was the same as it had always been; the yellow tones had faded from the lingering sun.
The subtle scent of her jasmine perfume still clung to the space, making it seem as if she had sprayed it only minutes earlier.
Memories overwhelmed me—of nights curled up in my mother’s bed, her stroking my hair as I told her about my life in New York, early morning coffees as she got ready for the day.
But the room was too quiet, too still, stripped of the life that always followed my mother.
That was enough to keep me going, to keep me moving until I got to the other side of the room, where her perfume and jewelry sat, covered in a light layer of dust. One necklace stood out from the rest, and I picked it up, toying with the diamond in the pendant.
“Do you remember this one?”
Chelsea smiled as she joined my side. “Oh yeah. That was her fiftieth birthday, right?”
“Yup, saved up for months to give this to her. And then—” My voice trailed off, unable to finish the thought.
It was only months before she died, and she never got the chance to wear it.
Tears clouded my vision, and my fist held the necklace tight.
“It’s not fair, Chels. We should have had more time. I needed more time with her.”
“I know,” she said as she pulled me into her arms. Her tears flowed just as freely as my own, and we held each other for a long moment, only parting when the doorbell rang.
“Who is that?” I sniffled, wiping my tears on the back of my hand.
“Reinforcements,” Chelsea said, squeezing my hand before leaving the room. She returned moments later, but she wasn’t alone. Victoria, Hadley, Brianna, and Ollie stood by her side, holding out extra boxes and bottles of wine. “Thought we’d all help. And then, you can tell us all about your mom.”
Hours later, we’d filled almost a dozen boxes, marked to keep, donate, or toss in the trash.
As we’d gone through all my mom’s things, the stories flowed easier, different items bringing up memories I’d forgotten over the years.
Talking about her eased the ache in my chest. For so long, I’d kept her up tight in my heart, rarely talking about the woman who raised me because there was too much pain.
But that wasn’t fair—not to her memory, or to me.
My mom deserved to be remembered—not for the painful weeks before she died, but because of the life she lived.
“Oh my God, I’m obsessed with this!” Ollie held up a sheath dress from the back of the closet. “Your mom had killer style. Please tell me this is a keep.”
“It won’t fit me,” I chuckled. “But if you want it, go for it.”
She played with the hem. “Are you sure?”
“Absolutely. My mom would want you to have it. Besides, it’s not my style. I’m more of a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl.”
“And it works for you.” Ollie winked, tossing the dress onto the bed.
Maybe last week, the sight would have ripped a gaping hole in my chest, but now, the dress was just that: a dress.
With each box we filled, it became easier to fill another, and now, only the items in the back of the closet and the furniture remained.
Hadley stood up, stretching her back. “Now that the room’s empty, are you going to move in here?”
“Honestly…” I sighed, looking around the room. “I’m thinking about selling this place.”
“Really?”
I nodded. “It’s time for a fresh start, a place where Anna and I can make our own, As much as I loved being here, it’s time to let go.”
“Just you two?” Ollie asked, yelping when Brianna’s elbow collided with her side. “What? You know you were thinking about it too!”
My cheeks flushed. “Jace and I haven’t talked about it. Besides, it’s too soon, right? We haven’t been together that long.”
Hadley shrugged, “Cam and I moved in together after less than six months.”
“It was only about a month for us,” Brianna smirked, shrugging her shoulders. “Time is relative. I was with someone for over a decade and never felt the same type of love I do with Damien. When you meet your person, only you can figure out what works for you.”
I took in their words, trying to let them sink in.
The truth was, I wanted more with Jace. Waking up to him every morning was the highlight of my day, especially when he’d give me a rueful grin and pull me under him.
My cheeks flushed with the memory, and I turned to the last box marked donations, taping it closed so my friends could drop it off on their way home.
After we loaded the cars, we all said goodbye with tear-filled hugs. Chelsea paused as she grabbed her purse. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay? I can stay if you need me.”
“Go home,” I chuckled. “I’m going to be okay. Plus, I kind of want to be alone for a little bit.”
She searched my face and sighed. “Okay, but promise you’ll call if you need me.”
As she left, I checked on Anna, who was asleep in her crib.
She tried to stay up to hang out with the rest of us, helping toss clothes into boxes and getting all of us to clap for her.
She cried when I put her down, but you’d never know it now—not with her face relaxed as she slept soundly.
Content that she was okay, I moved back into my mother’s room, taking in the now empty space.
The room seemed bigger without all my mom’s things, almost cold, stripped of the life she’d poured into it.
My fingers trailed over the mattress propped against the wall, bound in plastic to take to the dump later this week.
“Goodbye, Mom,” I whispered, settling down in the center of the room.
With my knees curled up to my chest, the tears fell again.
Goddamnit. How the hell was there anything left in my tear ducts?
But this was a cathartic cry—the one I’d held back for so long.
It unleashed that last tether of guilt, the one that kept me chained to the past.
I lost track of time as I sat there, mourning my mom in the place that had meant the most to her.
The door shifted behind me, but I didn’t move—not until arms pulled me back, resting me against a chest I knew far too well.
Calloused hands held me, letting me borrow a little bit of strength.
Summer and spice. Jace. He kissed the top of my head, not speaking as I cried.
He just sat there, rubbing his hand down my back.
“Let it out, Kins. I’ve got you.”