Chapter 40
40
Lis
M y phone has been pinging with incoming texts since two o’clock in the morning. I only hung with Gracyn and Kate until about midnight. We’d had dinner and gone to a club dancing, but when they decided to go to McBride’s, I just couldn’t.
Not yet.
Instead I grabbed my bag from their apartment and drove home.
Home.
All of Aidan’s stuff was in the storage room behind the pantry. His closet empty, his drawers cleared, toiletries gone. I had a new understanding of how he must have felt when he saw the empty spaces I had left last week.
Only a week has passed. How was that possible? It feels like a lifetime.
I twist my ring in my pocket. I still can’t put it back on, but also can’t bear to not have it near. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to.
Searching for signs that that woman left some mark while she was here, I dragged my bag back to our—my room.
I hate her.
There was no way I was willing to take any chances that she’d had the decency to change the sheets before she left, so after taking care of that, I crawled into bed. I flipped and rolled until I finally got comfortable only to hear the pinging of my text notification. I had turned it off, but now—now it’s time.
There are more than twenty messages. Mostly from Aidan, telling me he loves me, needs to talk to me. They are full of excuses, claiming I don’t understand. No shit.
The last one though, is long. Desperate, almost. His tone is different, prompting me to really read it, not just scroll through it like I did with the others.
A: Please call me as soon as you get this. I’m stuck. I can’t get back to you. This is the biggest cockup ever and I need to talk to you, I need to see you and I fucking can’t. Please, Lis. Please call me.
I lay there thinking. Do I want to talk to him? Do I want to give him a chance to feed me lines and bullshit excuses?
I feel so overwhelmed between the letter yesterday and all of these messages. I don’t know what I want.
That’s not true. I know what I want, I just don’t know that I can have it, that it’s still in my reach.
The messages and calls continue, making my phone buzz and ping until I just turn it off again.
I let days pass—weeks. I’m getting ready to start my last semester of college. I can’t piss away all my hard work because of a bump in my road. Because I made a mistake. I gave too much of myself, too soon and it ended poorly.
He’s all I think about. It’s taken until tonight to even step foot back in McBride’s, and it was awful. I was nervous walking in there, but it was so much worse than I’d imagined.
The unfamiliar face behind the bar caused my steps to falter. The accent, the lilt of his voice wasn’t right when the new bartender asked for my order.
It surprised me, shocked me, that this is what affected me so severely. This was Aidan’s place. This was where we started, and in a way, it’s where we came undone.
I felt his loss like a heavy blanket, weighing me down. Suffocating me. I couldn’t stay, everything about being there felt wrong. I turned and left without a word, shaking the tears away.
Safe in my bed, I read each of his messages. I’ve read them so many times, I have them memorized yet they give me nothing, no direction. No idea of how to put this behind me and move on. Gripping the case so hard it creaks, I swipe the screen waking the display and see another text from Aidan.
Please.
My thumb hovers over the button, and something in me cracks. I need closure.
The message was sent hours ago. Probably as he was lying in bed. I talk myself in and out of calling him a thousand times before I do it.
“Lisbeth.” He answers right away, like his sole purpose since he left was waiting for my call.
It’s three o’clock in the morning in Dublin.
“Hey.” Now that I’ve done it, broken down and finally called him, all my thoughts fly from my head, leaving me with nothing.
Silence drags, weighing the air between us. There is so much he needs to explain to me, so much I need to say and suddenly, it doesn’t feel right, doing this over the phone. We’re too far apart, too disconnected.
“I need to see you.” I hardly breathe as I force each syllable past my lips.
“I can’t come back, I—there’s an issue with my visa. I?—”
The words tumble from my mouth. “I’ll book a flight. I have a few days right before classes start. I need to know what happened, what I did, where I went wrong. This is my last semester and I can’t afford to flake on this now. You owe me this.”
I don’t know where that strength came from, but the lead blanket that has been sitting on my chest for the past couple of weeks seems to have shifted.
“I’ll pay—please—anything.” His voice washes over me wrapping me in his sadness.
I’m glad. Glad he’s upset, glad that I’m not alone in this.
“No. I’ve got it. You’ve paid the rent on our apartment, I can do this. I-I’ll send you my arrival information in the morning, but I have to finish up some things here before I leave.”
“Of course, yeah.” Relief with a touch of desperation, bleeds through the miles.
“I love you, Lisbeth.”
“Okay. Um…I’ll text you in the morning. Bye.” I disconnect quickly, harshly, but that’s all I can handle right now.
I pull my computer off the nightstand and book a flight to Dublin.
Why am I doing this? The customs area is jam packed with tired cranky people wanting to get their luggage and breathe fresh air for the first time in hours.
I pull my phone out to let Aidan know I’ve landed. The guy behind me in line taps my shoulder and point to the sign that mobile phone use is strictly prohibited in this area. With a tight smile and a nod of thanks, I put it back in my bag catching the glare of a customs agent.
The line creeps forward so slowly. The thoughts I’ve barely suppressed since I boarded the plane bombard me. Tired and nervous, I shuffle my feet, one step forward, wait, wait, wait.
Am I going to have to see her? Being civil to that woman is not something I think I can do.
It takes almost an hour to make it through this mess and to baggage claim. The conveyor is empty, bags lined up along the wall—all of them except mine.
My bag sits on the floor next to the man I’m here to see. Hands shoved deep in the pockets of his jeans, he shifts on his feet and smiles tightly.
“Hi.” I wipe my sweaty hands on my pants.
“Hey. Did ye have a good flight?”
His gaze bounces from my face to the ceiling, the wall behind me, finally landing on mine.
Pressing my lips together, I nod and lean in to grab my bag.
Aidan stoops, grabbing it before I can get to it, settling it on his shoulder.
All I want is to step into him, his arms wrapped around me—enveloped in him. Instead, I follow silently out to a small blue SUV.
We stand staring at each other over the top of the car, neither of us saying a word.
Things have changed. Every single time we’ve gone out together, Aidan has always—always—opened my door for me. Until now. I blink back the tears threatening to fall; I shouldn’t have come.
“Think you’re up to drivin’ after your flight?” His voice is soft and a little hesitant. Maybe I’m not the only one feeling off balance right now.
“What? No, I…”
Of course. I’m on the wrong side of the car. My lip between my teeth, I walk around to where Aidan has the door open for me and climb in. I watch him stride around the car, appreciating the way he moves, missing everything about him.
“I brought you a coffee.” He nods at the cup holder as the aroma makes its way through my foggy brain. “You probably want to nap, but it really is best to just try and get on the local time.” Hotels and long-term parking fly by as I sip. It’s perfect—of course it is.
“Thank you. This is great.” I don’t know what to say, the awkwardness is creeping in. I should have planned this better, I’m here for three days and I didn’t think to get a hotel room. Never considered how this would go beyond getting on a plane and seeing Aidan. Talking to him.
I lean my head against the window as we wind through the city, eventually pulling onto a tree-lined street more than an hour after leaving the terminal. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you lived so far from the airport. I could’ve taken a cab or something.”
With my bag in his hand, Aidan guides me through a bright red front door and whispers, “I just wanted to have a quiet moment with you before the pandemonium.”
I almost miss his words as he tucks my bag inside the door and a toddler comes tearing around the corner, hands in the air squealing. Aidan scoops him up and tosses him in the air, blowing raspberries into his tummy.
“Jaysus wept, was yer flight delayed getting in? What took ye so long? Come in, love, come in. Och, Aidan, don’t wind ’im up like that. We’ve got ’im all day.”
Aidan’s mom swoops in and wraps me in a warm strong hug. “I’m so glad to meet you, love. Come in and have a seat. Can I get ye something to eat? Did Aidan show ye through the city in the morning traffic, then?”
She’s a flurry of efficiency, taking my jacket, setting my purse on the table by the door.
I try to keep up with her, I do. But I miss half of what she says, unable to focus.
“Um, I-I’m fine, thank you. Mrs. Kearney.”
Swaying slightly, I reach for the closest solid surface to steady myself, and find my hand on Aidan’s arm.
She smiles as she takes me in. Is it significant that I reach for Aidan when I’m unsteady?
“Love, it’s Ann. Come on, then.” She’s lovely, of course she is.
“D’ye need a moment? To freshen up after your flight?” My breath catches in my chest at Aidan knowing I need to catch my breath.
I turn to him and nod, grateful for him.
“I’ll show you up. Henry, go with Granny for a treat, yeah?”
He sets the sweet boy down and grabs my bag, leading me upstairs to a bright sunny bedroom at the back of the house. The pale creamy walls are covered with pictures of Aidan and his siblings. And as much as I want to fall into the soft ivory bedding, I step closer to one of the more recent photos, studying the faces.
“Are you a twin?” I glance over my shoulder knowing that Aidan is still with me.
He’s leaning against the doorjamb, arms folded across his chest, looking past me to the framed photograph.
“That’s Michael. He was fifteen months older than me.”
It hits me then; how little Aidan has talked about his brother with me.
“I’m so sorry.” I take a step toward him and stop. I want to go to him, put my hand over his heart. Comfort him.
His gaze settles on mine and he sucks in a deep breath, almost like he’s bracing himself. “I want to do this now—talk—get things sorted, but.” He glances at his watch and scrubs a hand down his face. “But all hell is about to break loose and we need time.”
I scrunch my brows together, not really getting what he’s saying, when the front door flies open and the sound of love and laughter float through the house.
“They’re all dyin’ to meet you, insisted on it, so we’ll not have a quiet moment for quite a while.” Meeting his family is not what I came here for. This is not how I imagined this would go. Not at all.
“Take some time. The bathroom’s just across the hall. I’m so sorry for the chaos, I’m sure it’s the last thing you want to do after traveling and…everything.” Aidan backs out of the room shaking his head, his smile forced. “Just come down when you’re ready, yeah?”
I flop down on the bed, disappointed, annoyed as shit. I feel dizzy, light-headed. Closing my eyes, I breathe deep, trying to calm my racing heart and push down this bitter pill.
Did he plan this? Is this to throw me off balance? Why am I here? Why the fuck am I spending the day with his family? I’m here to say goodbye—to let him go.
I allow myself ten minutes to wallow and curse and mentally stomp my feet before dragging myself to the bathroom. I wash my hands and brush my teeth, trying desperately to center myself for what is, no doubt, going to be the longest day ever.
I swipe on some lip gloss, hoping it’s enough armor for what I’m about to face.