Chapter 15 #2
“There’s nothing special about sex. Some of the most primitive creatures in the galaxy take part in it.
It is sticky and hot and often uncomfortable.
It doesn’t have some kind of special meaning.
You fuck to make pups. That’s it. And if that’s not the goal, you fuck to get the release.
There’s really nothing meaningful about it. ”
“That’s…”
“You don’t need love to have sex. You don’t even have to like the person. It’s release. That’s all it is. That’s all it ever was. The people who are dressing it up as anything more than that are delusional. They’re all lying to themselves.”
“That’s not true!” Chee yelled, throwing her hands back to her side, both of them clenched into hard fists. “That’s not true at all! Sex is important. It’s intimacy. It’s closeness.”
“I’ll agree. It’s definitely close.”
She snarled at him. Actually snarled. Her blunt little teeth on full display. It was completely ineffectual as a threat, but it was absolutely adorable. Her anger, her passion – he adored this. He was getting excited, his heart beating fast, the more her ire rose.
“I mean more than physically! Sex is about two people becoming one-”
“It doesn’t have to be two.”
“Trove!”
“I’m just saying, it’s often not just two. In fact, the more you can get together, the more everyone enjoys it all around.”
“No!” She whipped her head side to side, absolutely refusing to listen to this. To agree to this. To even consider it.
“I feel like that invalidates your argument. Surely, you’re not suggesting that there is any kind of intimacy between a group? Or that every sex worker feels intimate with every one of their clients? Or that strangers who just want to fuck do it to feel intimate.”
“That’s not…” Chee floundered, unable to come up with an argument.
Because she knew he was right. He knew he was right. She was arguing something that was completely nonsensical.
Calling sex special was such an overinflation of something so unbelievably common and, honestly, grotesque.
If it didn’t feel good, he was sure no one would ever want to do it.
It was just something that, typically, everyone tried to avoid.
It was the only time that people craved being hot, sweaty, messy, and covered in bodily fluids.
In any other context, in any other situation, with any other fluids, it would be considered too vile to participate in.
Yes, so special indeed.
“I feel so sorry for you,” Chee said suddenly. Surprising him not just with her words, but with the absolute devastation in her gaze. Aimed at him. Like he was saying something so pitiful, it was breaking her heart, but for him.
“Why?” He smiled. Because that’s all he could do. He felt no sense of loss.
“Because something that is so special has been so broken to you. You’ve lost the ability to see how incredible sex can be.”
“It’s just sex, Chee.”
“Yeah. When you make it just sex, sure.”
“Well, considering that, of the two of us, I’m the only one who has had sex, I think I’m more qualified than you to speak on its ‘specialness’.”
But Chee was shaking her head. “You’ve only ever had sex, Trove. You’ve never made love.”
He laughed. “Made love?”
“Love. That’s what makes sex special. It’s love! The intimacy and joy between two people that love each other is what makes sex intimate and wonderful.”
Trove heard what she was saying, but it just wasn’t hitting him as truth. It didn’t sound real. It sounded like the dreams of a child who had never experienced reality. And the reality of sex was that it was dirty and disgusting and hot.
They just stood there. Staring at each other. Lost in the completely opposing viewpoints of something so very basic. Something that, as mates, was meant to bid them together.
And yet here they stood, on completely opposite sides of this belief. Both of them absolutely sure they were right. Both of them unable to understand each other.
Chee’s bottom lip trembled, and she looked away.
And Trove hated himself for hurting her. But he just didn’t understand what she was talking about. He really couldn’t grasp what she meant.
“We’re… not going to be mates, are we?” She asked, breathing the question like it was being torn from her against her will.
“We are mates,” Trove said. “I just don’t know if we’ll ever be bonded. At least, that way. I think we could at least be friends.”
“Friends?” She repeated, chuckling once, a cry in her voice. “We’re apparently destined to be soul mates, but you can only offer me friendship.”
“I would give you pleasure, if you allowed it.”
“I don’t want your meaningless sex,” she shook her head quickly. “I refuse to accept that for myself. I won’t.”
“It’s all I have.”
“That’s so sad, Trove.” She whispered, once again looking at him with pity. He hated to see it. He hated it as much as he hated the pain. He wished she’d be angry at him again instead.
Once more, an uneasy silence fell between them. The gap in their worldviews too great for them to traverse. She would never understand. Coming from such a peaceful planet, such an idealistic life, she couldn’t possibly.
And more, he didn’t want her to. He would never wish his life upon anyone, even if just so they could understand what his view was. Better that she hated him. Better that she wanted nothing to do with him than to be stained by the grime of his past.
“Is… Is it true,” she started, looking at the ground between them. “About your… dick. That it can’t get hard for anyone but me?”
“You mean, after the mating trigger?”
She nodded.
He hesitated to answer, unsure how to phrase himself. When he finally spoke, it was slowly and carefully that he said, “My cock won’t ever be able harden for anyone else, no.”
“You’re trapped with me then,” she said, and her voice was so achingly sad, he found himself reaching for her.
But couldn’t actually bring himself to touch her.
“I’m not trapped, Chee.”
“Then, do you want to be mated to me?” She asked, whipping her head up, staring at him so directly, it was like a bolt straight through his chest.
And once again, he found his throat locking up.
Words tangled and tripped over each other in his chest, screams distant in his mind drowning out any possible meaning.
He had to assure her that he was happy that she was his mate.
But he wasn’t happy to be her mate. But he didn’t want to hurt her.
But he couldn’t say that he didn’t regret it.
All of the conflicting, harsh feelings were fighting each other. Each one demanding to be the answer that emerged, and so none of them actually being the one to do so.
Trove was struck dumb, completely mute, as he was helpless to watch heartbreak shatter Chee’s face – and no, this time it wasn’t for him. And he hated it so much, he wished that she would go back to pitying him instead.
He didn’t want to do this to her. He didn’t want to hurt her. He hated himself.
But he just couldn’t speak.
“Yeah, that’s what I figured,” Chee said softly.
“No, Chee!”
Something broke in Trove at the sound of her voice like that. So lifeless, so hopeless. This wasn’t what he wanted. This wasn’t what he intended. But when he reached for her, wanting desperately to explain, wishing he wasn’t such a worthless coward, she stepped back.
Three steps. Hasty and inelegant. He could catch up easily.
But just as the words caught in his throat, his legs couldn’t move.
More silence. Like broken glass, shredding him apart on the inside. His hand hung in the air, still reaching for Chee. But the small distance between them might as well have been the vastness of the void itself. Cold and uncrossable.
“My parents love each other,” she said softly, sniffling as a tear fell down her cheek.
Swiftly followed by another, then another, until she was crying openly as she spoke.
“They’ve been together since college. They would do anything for each other.
I know that true love exists, I know that soul mates are real, because I’ve seen it in them.
I’ve watched them weather the worst the world could throw at them and stay strong through it.
That’s all I want as well. That’s all I ever dreamed of.
If I can’t have that, then it’s not enough for me. I won’t accept less.”
Trove listened. Though it hurt, he drank her words down like they were vitally important. And he really tried to understand what she was saying.
He just… couldn’t.
His captain, two of his brothers, had found their mates. And he was happy for them, he was. But he didn’t understand. He couldn’t offer the same to Chee.
“I will pleasure you,” he finally said. “If you ask it of me, I will leave you shaking and delirious. I would grant you ecstasy at an instant. I will even give you friendship. I would treat you as one of my crew, and I can offer no higher intimacy than that. Is that not enough?”
He knew it wasn’t even as she shook her head. She needed something from him that he couldn’t give, no matter how much he wished otherwise.
“We are not mates,” she finally said. “You couldn’t please me with such shallow promises. You can keep going to brothels all you want. You can take your pleasure wherever you please. But it won’t be with me.”
“Chee…”
“I’m sorry, Trove. I tried. I really did.”
He couldn’t say anything. There was nothing left for him to say. This was just where it ended. A mating soured before it could even be properly forged.
She turned and walked from the room, rubbing her eyes. And he just watched her go.
And hated himself.