Chapter 20 #2
Because sure, he could be a cartoon style villain just mad that she was mad that he’d do things like flirt with infidelity or not commit himself to her completely.
But he had never once asked her to just get over her hang ups on monogamy.
He never once told her that she needed to accept him the way he was and just be happy she was his mate at all.
If anything, he always seemed upset when she was upset. He chased her down when she was hurt. He apologized for everything, even if, by her own admission, there was nothing between them so she had no right to demand monogamy.
If she took away the sex thing, if she stopped focusing on that one, huge, glaring difference between them, he’d been a pretty great guy. He was kind, gentlemanly, he respected her boundaries, he didn't make demands of her.
He’d told the brothel maybe later, but he didn't go back. He told Rinnicks he’d think about her offer, but he said he was going to refuse it. If Chee didn't think about how carelessly he viewed sex, he’d been a great person. Everything she could ask for in a man – male.
He was staring at the sand between them now. His face tight with barely concealed annoyance. And all of it directed inward. She could practically hear him cursing himself out in his head.
Like he was trying to explain himself but couldn’t find the words.
Like he was trying to talk but couldn’t make himself speak.
And Chee knew exactly what that was like.
Flashes of her own memories returned to her. And it was like she could feel the heat that had burned her face. She could hear her mother screaming. She could feel her father’s rage.
They all had pasts that might be hard to talk about.
Pasts that left scars. Pasts that might cause specific behaviors. Like making her completely certain sex was something special and meant for one person. Or making him completely certain that sex was meaningless and just another way to pass the time.
Maybe her problem wasn’t that she had a mate that didn't understand her, but that neither of them were understanding the other.
“Trove-”
“Chee-”
They both spoke at the same time, then stopped and looked at each other.
“Sorry,” he said, gesturing. “You go first.”
“No, that’s okay, you go.”
“I insist."
“Really, it’s okay. You first.”
They went back to staring at each other. The air between them heavy and awkward.
Until the first giggle cracked through Chee’s lips. She smacked her hand over her mouth, trying to contain it. But that single break then made him snigger. Then her laugh behind her hand grew. Until they were both laughing at each other.
Nothing was really that funny. But the release of tension had to manifest somehow, and it came out as laughs that made them rock in place. Chee was the one who gathered herself first.
She smiled at him.
He smiled back at her.
“This is… so stupid,” she said.
“I… I agree,” he sighed, shaking his head.
“What are we even doing, Trove?”
“Struggling.”
“Ugh, truth,” she sighed, head dropping back so she could see the starry sky. And sure, the light pollution from behind her meant she didn't see some magnificent starscape, the rings of the planet were still fully visible, so there was a diamond milky way fully visible even now.
“Have you ever been anywhere like this?” She asked. Completely off topic. But somehow, the topic change felt right.
Because if they couldn’t connect due to this sex thing, maybe it was time to take sex completely out of the equation.
“A planet like this?” Trove followed her gaze, looking up.
“I’ve been to planets with rings before.
Can’t say I’ve ever been to one this pretty though.
We’re not typically going planetside anyway.
Or, at least, I don’t. If we’re delivering or picking up something, usually Tanin and Rok do that.
The twins often go as security. I stay on the ship since operating the weapons is my job.
I really only go if it’s a big delivery or they need extra security for some reason. ”
“How did you end up on this crew?” She asked next, looking down to face him. He mimicked her motion, always following her lead. Never pushing for more than she was willing to give.
Trove cocked his head. “You mean, how Tanin recruited me?”
“Sure.”
“It’s not a pretty story.”
“Yeah? I know a few not pretty stories myself,” she grimaced. “If you don’t want to talk about it…”
He was already shaking his head. “It’s not that. I just… don’t know that you want to hear about it.”
“I do though. Even if it’s bad. I’m listening.”
And it was true, she found. She was listening.
She was not willing to hear him out on the meaningless sex issue, because her stance on that was absolutely steel, unmoving and unchanging.
She believed in how special sex could be and she refused to let that be changed.
But she wanted to hear about the rest of him.
Everything that formed him that might have influenced that opinion he had on sex.
No, she just wanted to know what made him… him.
Beyond the hypersexuality, who was Trove?
He leaned back on his hands. “Tanin recruited each of us. Not really based on our skills, at least not fully. What he was actually looking for were people he knew he could trust. He could teach us or have us learn whatever else he needed, but trust is not so easily forged. Alred gave him lists of people who had the skills he needed, and he picked from there. He needed someone to run weapons on his new ship, and I happened to be great at using big weapons. Or small weapons. Any weapons, really. He found me and made me an offer that I just… couldn’t refuse. ”
Chee grinned. “That’s your not pretty story? Sounds pretty enough to me.”
He smiled back. “That’s the heavily edited version. And the only version you’re going to get.”
“Come on. Nothing else?”
“I’m not a good person, Chee. I’ve never pretended to be. The me that lived on Rik-Vane, the person I was before I became Trove, is not a male I ever want you to meet.”
“I’m even more curious now,” she giggled.
Trove smiled back at her, but he didn't elaborate further. And she didn’t push. Kirvan was a person he refused to let her know, and she could only respect that decision, as he had respected all of hers.
Still, she was curious.