Chapter 28
Karissa
It’s been a day since Cody came over. A day since that hug that felt like it meant something, but also like it might be the last of its kind. We left things in this strange in-between… Not quite goodbye but not moving forward either.
I told myself I wouldn’t dwell on it. That I wouldn’t pick apart the way his arms felt around me, or how the emotion in his voice felt like a lifeline. But last night, lying awake, it replayed itself anyway. Over and over.
Then, this morning Ella texted, asking if Emma and I wanted to go next door with her for a playdate at Blake and Sierra’s. She said it was sort of a last-minute thing.
Maybe it’s just coincidence. Or maybe Cody told her I’ve been cooped up too much, that I needed to get out more. I wouldn’t put it past him. He likes to fix things quietly, without saying he’s doing it.
Either way, here we are. Ella, Cora, Emma, and I are heading over to Blake and Sierra’s.
They’ve got a two-and-a-half-year-old named Caden.
I guess it’s not really a playdate. Ella says she’s gotten to know Sierra more since having Cora.
They’ve gotten the kids together a few times over the last few months, but it’s more for the moms than the kids.
I’ve talked to Sierra before. They go to the same church as Cody’s family. Addison babysits for them a lot, being right next door, and Blake works on the farm with Wesley.
I’m looking forward to it, I think. I definitely overpacked my diaper bag, though.
I just want to be prepared. I don’t know if we’ll be inside, outside…
the weather can change, I don’t know how long these things last either.
She might need to eat a few times, or I might get hungry. You just never know.
Ella’s got Cora in a cute little pink-and-green outfit, a bow, and shoes to match.
Ella’s even matching her. It’s not exact, but the color scheme is the same.
Even her cup is the same shade of green.
My diaper bag could swallow the bag over her shoulder.
She’s got her blonde hair pulled up cute, diamond earrings in, and she’s even wearing jeans.
I’m wearing leggings and a tank top that is sized as maternity. I just wanted something big enough not to accentuate my extra belly fat. My hair’s in a ponytail and I only put on mascara. I forgot to add eyeliner. Emma was fussing and I wanted to feed her before I came.
When Sierra opens the front door to let us in, the smell that pours out of the house is a mix of a bakery and laundry room.
“Welcome!” She smiles, Caden standing at her leg watching us pile in. He looks a little unsure until Sierra runs her hand over his blond hair.
“It smells so good in here. I’m going to need the name of whatever candle is burning,” Ella says, slipping her shoes off and stepping further inside. I do the same, trying to balance Emma in my arms and not let the diaper bag fall off my shoulder.
“No candle, just homemade blueberry sourdough muffins! They’re almost done,” Sierra says.
Blueberry sourdough muffins? I can hardly find the time to make myself a bowl of cereal in the morning, let alone whip up some homemade muffins.
We get settled in the living room. I keep Emma with me, while Ella sits Cora on the floor and Sierra tells Caden to share some of his toys with her. He does, and then he even finds a few for Emma without Sierra’s guidance, which is so stinking sweet.
“I love this age. It’s my new favorite,” Sierra says.
“I’m sure! I can’t wait to hear her little voice and see her personality even more,” Ella agrees, gesturing to Cora.
They talk a few more minutes about that. I don’t have much to add to the conversation, I’m just excited for Emma to be content enough to not cry when I walk away from her for more than ten seconds.
“So, are you excited to get out and in your own space?” Sierra asks me.
There’s a part of me that tenses up. It’s not something I really want to think about, honestly. Cody and his family have been everything to me. They’re all I have and I don’t even know where I’d be right now if I hadn’t stumbled into that bar. Probably at the border, in jail.
“I am. Yeah, I’ll miss seeing everyone, obviously, but I know it’ll be good for me to get out on my own.”
Sierra nods. “It will. I remember when we first moved in here. It was such a weird adjustment. Quiet at first, but…a good kind of quiet.”
Ella smiles. “And you’re not hours away. You’ll always be welcome to come visit and catch up.”
I laugh. “That’s good to know. I’ll probably take you up on that.”
Sierra glances between us and her smile turns a little mischievous. “Well…speaking of changes…” She pauses. “I’m pregnant.”
Ella’s eyes widen and Sierra laughs. “Surprise!”
“That’s amazing! Congrats!” Ella gets up to hug her, and then I feel like I shouldn’t just sit here, so I do too.
“I’m only nine weeks along. Due in March.”
“Aww, how exciting,” I say.
“Now I really wanna get a move on things. We’ve been trying,” Ella says.
“Have you really?!” Sierras asks as Caden is shoving one of his toy tractors in her face for her to see.
Ella nods. “It’s only been like two months now, but yeah.”
I sit here, wondering how Ella can talk about having another baby with Cora being only seven months old, sitting on her lap. I glance at Emma, just a few months behind. I can’t even imagine going through a pregnancy again, let alone adding another newborn into my life.
Granted, Ella and Jesse are married, but she works crazy hours, and he’s about to be even busier. How they manage with one is miraculous. How they’ll do it with two is insane. But knowing them, they’ll figure it out and somehow make it look easy.
I wish I had that kind of certainty. That sense of we’ll figure it out because we’re in it together. Instead, it’s just me and Emma, and half the time I’m making it up as I go, hoping I’m not screwing it all up.
“If it happens within the next few months, I’m a little worried about being pregnant during busy season. I was so tired early on with Cora, and sick more than I expected to be, so I just don’t know how I’ll do juggling her on top of that.”
“Yeah, I mean, I’ve been resting when he naps; sometimes I fall asleep, sometimes I don’t,” Sierra says.
“That’s true. But with work, it’ll be interesting as well.”
“Oh right, cause your hours are everywhere.”
“Yeah, so I told Jesse that I don’t know about working. Worst case, I take time off.”
“He was fine with that?” Sierra asks.
She nods. “Yeah, we’d be fine. I’d go back too, so it would just be temporarily.” She shrugs like it’s no big deal.
I had that lifestyle too, though. Stay home, take care of the house, he’ll work…and that blew up in my face real quick. I’m not saying I can see Jesse doing anything like that to Ella, but I’d be lying if I said I ever wanted to be a stay-at-home girlfriend, wife, or mom again.
“I love teaching but now I’ve been asking Blake about taking a break, just while the kids are little,” Sierra admits, and I continue to keep my mouth shut.
I feel like the odd one out again. Am I the only one itching to get out and work, even if it’s just part-time?
It might be what I’m most excited for when I do move.
“Blake doesn’t seem like the kinda guy that would be opposed,” Ella suggests.
“Definitely not. He’s just worried about me being too lonely. Tends to happen to me a lot, less now with having Caden, though. He keeps me busy, but losing that aspect of working…I’m not sure if it’ll help.”
“Aw, I get that. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. Another one to keep you busy might help.” Ella laughs.
I can’t relate to Sierra’s loneliness thing. I used to like being alone and in my own space. But now, since Emma, I hate it. It’s isolating, even with her glued to me twenty-four seven.
Sierra goes on about how different pregnancy tired is from newborn tired. I honestly have no idea what she’s talking about. I’ve been tired since the day I got pregnant, and it hasn’t let up. To me, it all feels the same…just a constant, bone-deep exhaustion that’s always there.
* * *
Cody’s here again.
I heard his truck before I saw it. I didn’t ask him to come. I never do. But somehow, he always shows up when I need him to.
He doesn’t say much, just lets himself in with a soft “hey.” He nods toward Emma, who’s laying on her play mat, screeching at the toy hanging above her head. “I got her,” he says.
And I go because I know if I sit here any longer, I’ll fall apart. I’ve been close to it all day.
When I come back out, my hair still damp and clean pajamas clinging to my skin, he’s exactly where I left him, on the floor, legs stretched out. Emma’s sitting up, with his support of course, playing with a singing monkey.
He glances over, one hand curled protectively around the back of her head. “You feel better?”
“Smell better, for sure,” I mutter.
He smirks and I settle in the chair across from him, curling my legs under me.
“She cried for a while earlier,” I say after a long pause. “I couldn’t figure out why.”
Cody doesn’t look away from her but he’s listening.
“So I put her down, walked into the kitchen and cried harder than she was,” I admit.
That gets his eyes on me. The memory is still so fresh. I felt like a bad mom. Not because I was overwhelmed, but because I didn’t know what she needed.
I swallow, fighting tears. “I’m not sure I’m doing this right.”
“You’re doing fine,” he assures me.
I shake my head. “No. I mean…I don’t think I like this.”
The words sit between us like something sour.
“I don’t hate her,” I say quickly. “It’s not like that. I’m not mad that she exists. I just…I feel nothing most of the time. Like I’m watching someone else’s baby.”
His brows pull in, but he doesn’t speak yet, just looks away and swallows.
“I keep thinking it’s gonna click—that moment people talk about. That flood of love when you see their face. But I didn’t feel it in the hospital. I didn’t feel it when we got home. And I’m still not feeling it now.”
He says nothing. Just keeps listening.
“Ella said she and Jesse are trying to have another baby. Sierra’s pregnant—don’t tell anyone I told you that—but I don’t get it.
I watch how they are with their kids and…
I’m just not like them.” I pause, trying to steady my voice, but it still shakes.
“I don’t smile when she spits up or bask in the sweetness of breastfeeding.
I don’t sit up at night rocking her, thinking how wonderful this is.
I’m just not like that, and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. ”
Cody’s jaw flexes. “Nothing’s wrong with you, Karissa. You aren’t them and you’re doing this alone. Don’t compare yourself to people who were dealt cards from a different deck.”
Tears fall down my face. “But I want to feel that connection. I want to look at her the way they do with theirs. But I don’t, and Emma deserves better than me.”
Cody shakes his head, gently laying Emma on her back before standing. He comes toward me, taking my wrists in his hands, he lifts me from the chair. My arms find their way around him, and he pulls me in, holding me close and steady as ever. All I do is cry harder into his chest.
“You really think you’re a bad mom because you don’t think every moment is great?” he asks after a few seconds.
I sniffle. “No. I think I’m a bad mom because I wish away the moments.”
Cody’s hands shift to my shoulders, gently pulling me back just enough to try and meet my eyes. But I keep my gaze fixed on his chest. If I look up, it’ll feel like he’s seeing too much.
“You are the furthest thing from a bad mom. You show up. Every damn day. And you do your best.”
I bite on the inside of my cheek. “I’m scared I’ll never love her as much I should.” My voice cracks toward the end.
“Look at me,” he says, pulling my chin up between his fingers.
“Love is showing up, and that’s what you’re doing. She loves you, Karissa. She needs you. You’re the best person for her, and that’s why she’s yours. God gave you to each other for a reason. Because you’re exactly who she needs as her mom.”
“I just can’t understand that right now. She deserves to have a mom like Ella or Sierra, or your mom. I don’t—”
“Karissa. Give yourself a break. You’re overwhelmed because you do care. Don’t you get that?” Now his voice is tighter.
I nod, because I guess that makes sense…even if it doesn’t make me feel much better.
“I want you to get a good night’s sleep,” he says. “Let’s pull the bassinet out here. I’ll sleep on the couch and take care of her tonight.”
He carefully brushes a strand of hair off my damp cheek. “Okay?”
“Okay,” I breathe.