Chapter 34
Stefan now trains me from such a distance that I can barely see him, but his bellowed orders carry over the still snow easily enough.
I was meant to send a blast of diamond-shaped hail towards the mountains. Instead, it went towards Fen and Elska. Thankfully, Kyor was ready with a lightning strike to melt it all before it could get too close.
I’m sorry, I repeat. My mind’s everywhere with this vow. It’s probably best if I talk to the others about it before I try the Veil again, or there’ll be no chance of me completing it.
That sounds wise, Little Raven.
Unfortunately, speaking to the others isn’t as easy as I hoped. While Caz is in the library as expected, there is no sign of the other two I need to break the vow. Nor is there any sign of Thessa.
‘Tove made the boys leave because they kept snogging,’ she says. ‘My guess is they’re back in the room, you know…’
I do. And given how rocky things were between them, I don’t plan on interrupting that. Ruben deserves happiness, even if the jury is currently out on Benny.
‘How’s Kyor doing?’ Caz asks. ‘He seems to be spending a lot of time with Uzra. Do you think that means he’s accepted what Korvane did here?’
I blow out a sigh. ‘I think so, though he hasn’t really spoken to me about it.
’ Other than the night we ripped the paparvy from his body, that is.
How was that only a week ago? So much has happened since then, yet seven days is an immense span of time in terms of the Veil, which is where I need to go next.
Time is pressing down on me, and I’m trying not to freak out, but I only have a couple of weeks left to solve this. A couple of weeks or I’m dead.
‘That’s a big step for sure.’ Caz pauses as her lips disappear into a line. ‘I know we haven’t spoken about it much, but have you thought about … you know…’
‘Telling him about William?’ I finish for her. ‘Yeah. It’s actually why I came to talk to you.’ My fingers run over the rim of the glass. The urge to freeze something else is still eddying through me, though maybe because I just need a distraction.
‘I spoke to Magnus about vows,’ I say after a moment. ‘Specifically about breaking them. It’s possible, if I want to.’
I blow out a long breath of air. I didn’t want to confess to Caz the risk that she and the others were under, while I was free to say William’s name. ‘Yes. But at the same time, I know there are things Kyor’s got to keep hidden from me.’
‘So this is a tit-for-tat thing?’ she asks with more than just a hint of judgement in her voice.
‘No, no, that’s not what I meant at all,’ I say. ‘It’s a what-if-the-things-I-don’t-know-about-change-my-opinion-about-him-entirely thing?’
‘Do you think that’s likely?’ she asks.
I smack my tongue against the roof of my mouth.
‘Likely? No,’ I concede. ‘But it’s not impossible, is it?
I mean, what if he tells me something that will put William at even more risk?
The king ordered him to be killed. And no matter how many times Kyor has said he chooses me over his father, I don’t think I can believe that.
Not when I know how it ended last time. Not when the future stretches out before us, and it doesn’t look all sunshine and kittens. ’
‘Fair enough,’ she says slowly. ‘It’s a sensible way of thinking. Even if it sucks.’
‘It does,’ I agree. ‘It really sucks.’ For a moment, I allow myself to wallow in the quagmire of uncertainty, but I know how easy it is to get stuck in that.
How easy it is to become trapped in despondency.
And I don’t want that. What I want is to be moving forward. Making progress. Which is why I stand.
‘So is that all you wanted to say to me?’ Caz asks, clearly feeling that I’ve cut the conversation short, which, to be fair, I have.
‘I’ll speak to you about it more later, if that’s okay? When the boys are here too.’
‘Good luck getting them to take their tongues out of one another’s mouths long enough to actually talk.’ She snickers.
With a slightly forced smile of my own, I head out of the library and off to the sacred lands with Fen by my side.
Baskets full of riverweed sit upon the bank, and satisfaction blooms within me. At least that’s one thing I’m managing to do, even if I can’t get through this final stage of the Veil.
‘No, I’m not letting you have an attitude like that,’ I say to myself, hoping that hearing the words aloud will work a little better than saying them in my head. ‘I can do this.’
Yes, you can, Little Raven, Fen agrees. I did not bond with you only for you to be lost to something as mundane as poison. A Great War, however, I can get on board with. Our names etched in history. Songs sung of us. But poison? It’s so very forgettable. No one remembers a person killed by poison.
I know he is teasing, yet my stomach tightens. Llinos was poisoned.
I am sorry, Little Raven. I apologise. I was merely implying—
I know. It’s fine. I stroke his fur to let him know he’s forgiven for his hasty words. Now, look after this dagger for me, will you? Time for me to face this damn Veil again.
So far I’ve not even been able to get through the vision, so that’s the target I set myself. Just stay calm enough to get to the end and hopefully the lesson will be waiting there for me, like a big fucking banner.
Ignoring the lump that blocks my throat, I step into the Veil, then through the only remaining door of stage three.
I force my eyes open and study the scene around me.
Sweat is thick on the queen’s face, her pallid complexion reflecting the flickering orange flames that burn in the fireplace as she clutches Kyor’s adolescent hand.
‘You are a good son, being here, you know that, Kyor?’ she whispers. ‘The best son a mother could ask for. You know that I love you so much, don’t you?’
He smiles. ‘Of course, Mother.’
My heart aches for him, for all that is coming. For the next decade without his mother to temper his father.
As he looks at her, pride and love beam from every part of him, and it’s enough to tear a hole in my heart. He shouldn’t have had to suffer like this. None of us should have. This was on the Gods. The Gods alone took the queen from us, so why must I relive it?
Somehow, despite the pain that bites into my palms and sternum, I stay in the vision, though I move my attention to my younger self. After all, if it’s something that I have to learn, then watching myself makes sense, doesn’t it?
And so, through my young eyes, I see the moments transpire. Watch the excitement in my gaze shift to confusion. Confusion that edges more and more into the realm of fear.
It makes my stomach tighten to see it. Hold on, little Rosebud, I think to myself. It’s about to get so much worse.
The queen is sobbing. ‘Something is wrong. Promise me, Reeva. If it comes down to a choice, you save the baby. You have to promise me, as a friend, that you will save my baby.’
At the queen’s words, my breath hitches.
I can’t.
I can’t be here any longer, but I know I don’t have a choice. I press the heels of my hands to my eyes to stop the heat pooling there from spilling. I take deep breaths, trying to calm myself.
The queen sounds weak, her energy waning, yet the command in her voice is unmistakable. ‘It’s an order, Reeva! You hear me? An order!’
‘You and your baby are going to be fine,’ my mother replies reassuringly. ‘Just keep pushing, my queen.’
My gaze flicks uncontrollably to Kyor.
The way he looks at my mother is heartbreaking, and judging by his brown eyes, my mother's words of reassurance have completely comforted him. It’s enough to freeze the air in my lungs.
That’s why he did it, I realise in the moment.
He punished her because he believed her.
Because he believed she would save his mother, and she let him down.
And watching it unravel, it’s too much. Too fucking much.
I can’t bear it. The heat of the room, the knowledge of what is about to happen …
it’s crushing me. I don’t want to be here anymore.
No, I can’t be.
Before I can even yell out, the Veil snaps me back into reality.
I’m alone in the cave, once more facing the orange flickering flames, my heart pounding so hard it’s all I can hear.
Even the ragged breaths of my uneven sobs are drowned out by the hammering of my heart as it batters my ribs.
My feet stumble backward until my back hits the cold ice of the wall, and I slide to the floor to the wheezing sound of my thin inhales catching at the top of my throat.
‘You can do this. You can. Breathe, Rose,’ I whisper to myself. Each ragged breath is an uneven jerk, but still I concentrate on breathing, in and out. Fen’s mind brushes against mine – not to talk, just to reassure both of us that the bond is still there.
When my pulse has stabilised to the point that I can hear my own thoughts again, I lift my head and look at the flames. The Veil.
‘You’re an arsehole,’ I tell it. Just in case it doesn’t know.
Wiping the tears from my cheeks, I pull myself back to standing, my legs trembling as I make my way out to Fen. Without so much as a word exchanged between us, I wrap my arms around him and bury myself in his warmth and strength.
Little Raven. Fen’s voice is immediately in my mind. All is well?
If you can call watching the worst moments of your life over and over ‘well’, then yes, all is well. I hiss out a breath. Fuck. I’m failing, Fen.
No. You only fail when you give up. And you, Rose, never give up.
His words are fierce and warm, full of the conviction I desperately need to hear.
And judging by the way he continues, he knows it too.
You survive, Rose Kultavaris, no matter what.
And this is no different. You will get through the Veil, and you will learn the lesson it wishes you to, no matter how painful it is.
It is merely the pressure of it all, I think, that pulls tears to my eyes at his words. At his faith in me.
Thank you.
He nuzzles me. I confess that I do not like it – the absence of the bond when you are in the Veil.