Chapter 35 #3
‘Well, there’s a kind of breath to it, like you said before, but it’s more than that.
Mum’s pain started in her stomach, right?
So that was the place she wanted to stop herself thinking about.
So every time she breathed in, she would imagine white light filling her entire body.
Starting with her toes, you know, and working her way up.
She said she could really feel it – tingling or something – and by the time she got to her stomach, it was slightly better, but she would keep going so that her entire body was filled with this light in her mind.
She was always better for at least a couple of hours after.
Not perfect, but it helped enough that she could do things like get up and move around the house.
’ His voice is nostalgic, and I reach out and squeeze his fingers.
‘I still miss her,’ he croaks.
‘Of course you do.’
‘Does it stop?’ he asks me. ‘Missing them?’
‘No,’ I admit. ‘Sorry. I know that’s not the answer you want to hear.
But I think about my parents every day. About what they’d think of all this.
What they’d say and do if they were here.
The pain is less sharp than it was in the beginning though.
The fact that they’re gone is just part of me now.
The ache constant. It’s the worst thing about the Veil: seeing my mother after all these years but not being able to touch her, to speak to her.
To ask her the million questions I now have. ’
‘I’m sorry. And you have to do it over and over again. That’s torture.’
There’s a knot in my throat, so I simply nod.
He clears his throat and looks at me. ‘So what do you reckon? Worth a try? The light thing? Mum called it her “healing visualisation”, but no reason it can’t work as a calming technique, I’m sure.’
‘Yeah, let’s try it,’ I say. ‘Anything is worth a go at this point. I can hardly get worse.’
‘Well then, let’s do it.’
With one more flash of a smile, Ruben closes his eyes. Whether he’s starting his own meditation or simply giving me the space to try, I can’t tell. Not that it really matters. I’ve got to get started on my own all the same.
White light, I say in my mind as I close my eyes. I can do that. I can imagine white light.
Yet the light that forms isn’t white after all, but tinged with a slightly greenish hue that reminds me of the colour of Kyor’s bolts as they reflect his storm clouds.
Yes. That’s the colour of light that I’m going to have fill me. Kyor’s light.
With my first breath, I do exactly what Ruben said, visualising it filling my toes. My heart hitches in surprise. I can actually feel it there, tingling in my feet. That certainly wasn’t something I expected.
The flicker of excitement threatens to distract from the sensation that is running through every part of my body, and I hurriedly try to pull it back.
Encouraged, I draw the next breath in and move the light further up my feet. In and out. In and out.
Soon it becomes natural, the light filling me, spreading throughout my entire body. I linger on certain areas, pouring extra light into the knots that fill my belly and chest, making sure that every finger, all the way down to the nails, is totally full of the blissful light.
When I finally reach my head, taking that last breath that fills me all the way to my crown, the lightness is something I don’t think I’ve ever felt before.
That feels like a good thing, but how do I know if this is the sensation I’ve been seeking?
The sensation Magnus and Stefan have been begging me to find.
That’s what I want to know. The answer arrives instantly.
If this is how I’m meant to feel when I practise magic, then maybe this is the perfect time to try.
I need to do something. But what?
Assuming Ruben’s followed his own advice and is meditating, he’s hardly going to appreciate being engulfed in a snowstorm, so I need something that’s not going to disturb him.
Immediately, my thoughts rise to the chandelier in the palace hallway, but I dismiss that. We’re in a cave that’s not exactly ideal chandelier territory, and besides, I still remember the chandelier plunging towards me.
Instead, I picture the little ice wolf that Toren’s niece, Linnea, created for me. The moment the thought arises, I know that’s what I want to create.
A wolf. A perfect ice wolf. Just like hers. One that takes all the rays of light the sun has to offer and bends and reflects them a thousand times over. I think of Fen. Of the marks upon his body, the shape of his jaw and his eyes.
My throbbing hands are on my knees, not out in front of me as hers likely were, but even so, I feel like it’s working. Like I’m creating something magnificent in its simplicity. Something that has been made of nothing but peace. That I actually have control of.
My entire body is thrumming with light when, after one final deep breath, I open my eyes expectantly. My gaze falls on the fur in front of me, only for my stomach to plummet with disappointment.
‘Well, that sucks,’ I mutter, only to remember I’m not alone.
Still sitting opposite, Ruben’s eyes are wide and bright, a grin lighting up his face. ‘So that looked like it went well,’ he says. ‘You were out of it for ages.’
‘You’ve been waiting for me?’
‘No. Well, yes, but it doesn’t matter. How did it go?’
I scan the cave, hoping that perhaps my little ice wolf is hidden in one of the corners, but there’s nothing. Nothing that I can see.
‘The meditation went really well,’ I say. ‘Better than it ever has before. But I tried to use magic and’ – I gesture around us, trying not to sound despondent – ‘it didn’t work.’
‘It’ll come,’ Ruben says. ‘Baby steps. Just doing the meditation is great.’
‘Yeah, but I really wanted to make a decent ice wolf statue,’ I complain.
‘Next time,’ he promises lightly. ‘You’ll do it.’
He’s right – it did go well, ice wolf or no ice wolf. My mind was the clearest it’s been – possibly ever – and maybe it was too much to wish for the magic to work too.
Maybe it can’t even work here, in the sacred caves. That thought lights a flicker of hope that blooms within me. I’ve never even seen Magnus do magic in the caves. It might not even be possible. I push myself to my feet. I refuse to get down about this. I refuse. Today was a success.
‘Come on, then. Let’s go to the library and see how that boyfriend of yours is doing learning a different language.’
‘Boyfriend?’ Ruben’s eyebrows rise, only to drop again. ‘I’ve told you, that’s not what we are to each other.’
I deliberately misinterpret his words and let out a mock gasp. ‘Don’t tell me Benny’s proposed already?’
At this he can’t help but let out a laugh. ‘You’re a nightmare. You know that?’
‘What are fellow slum rats for, if not to keep you grounded?’ I tease.
‘Bold words from someone who accidentally became royalty,’ he fires back, grinning.
Whether it’s Ruben’s infectious smile or simply the serenity of what I just experienced, I don’t know, but as I head to the exit of the cave, I’m definitely feeling the calmest I’ve felt in a long time.
There’s no drumming behind my ribs. No knot in the pit of my stomach constantly drawing me to worry about all the things that could go wrong.
Not wanting to lose the feeling, I stop, close my eyes, and draw a breath in, trying to find that light again.
But before I can, Ruben speaks.
‘Uh, Rosey…’ There’s a tentativeness that borders on fear in his voice, causing my eyes to snap open and my heart rate to immediately ratchet up. ‘I don’t suppose you know anything about this, do you?’
‘About what?’
The peace is gone, and my pulse is pounding as I hasten to catch up with him. Though when I reach the entrance of the cave, I stop and my jaw drops so fast it damn near dislocates.
Well, hell. I think it’s safe to say my magic worked.