Chapter 35 #2
I snort, far less sure of that. ‘I’m not so sure about Korvane, but I’m sure of his son.
Kyor is still sleeping in my bed and holding me every damn night.
He still loves me even though I’m technically the princess of his sworn enemies.
Love isn’t about where you came from. It’s about the person that you are.
And I get it – you’re scared. We’re all scared of getting our hearts broken.
But that’s what happens when you give it away – you take that risk.
And for what it’s worth … I think you and Benny are worth it. ’
A moment of silence falls as he takes a step back, smirking a little at me.
‘What? What is it?’ I ask. ‘Why are you looking at me like that?’
‘Just shocked, that’s all.’ He nudges me with his shoulder. ‘Rose Kultavaris, the die-hard romantic. Not sure I ever saw that happening.’
‘Don’t you dare tell Kay,’ I mutter. ‘I’ll never live it down.’
He laughs, but my own smile fades as I think of Kay and how she must be feeling now. How she might be coping – or not coping – with the loss of the baby. It’s hard, being so far from her when she needs me so much.
Lost in my thoughts, I find that we’ve walked further than I realised and are standing in a part of the city I don’t recognise. Still, the river is there in the distance, and beyond it lie the sacred lands and that fucking Veil.
A thought enters my mind.
‘I don’t suppose you fancy coming and meditating with me, do you?’ I ask Ruben hopefully.
‘Meditating?’
I’ve only ever gone over to the sacred lands with Fen before, but assuming I’m not going into the Veil – which I don’t plan on doing – I don’t need him to look after the dagger. I took the weapon into the meditation cave and the vandsang cave before, and Magnus didn’t have a problem with it.
‘You’ve always been calm. That’s why I was drawn to you in the slums. That and your pretty face,’ I tease.
‘But maybe you can help me. Magnus tried to help me with it at the start, but I’ve kind of let it fall by the wayside.
And if I can’t help Benny at the library today, then I might as well try something else. It can’t hurt.’
He huffs out a laugh. ‘Okay. Let’s give it a go. I’ve never meditated in my life though.’
‘Yeah,’ I respond, ‘but something tells me you’re going to be annoyingly good at it.’
As we walk, Ruben is greeted warmly by men, women, and children alike.
‘Do you know everyone?’ I ask in exasperation.
‘Not yet,’ he says cheerfully, ‘but I’m working on it.’
As has become my custom, I pause on the bridge and pour a little more of my green magic into the riverweed, watching it grow.
Ruben gapes at me. ‘Rosey! It’s you!’
I blink. ‘What?’
‘Toren was telling me there’s been a complete turnaround over the last week or so, and the riverweed has been growing like never before. You’re the reason!’
I’m surprised by the flush of embarrassment that warms me. ‘You won’t tell anyone, will you?’
‘What? Why not?’
‘Because I don’t want them to know,’ I say simply. Now isn’t the time to drill into my concerns about being used by Ranveeg or other unsavoury characters. Ruben has enough on his plate. I shrug. ‘I don’t want them to feel beholden to me, like having me here is affecting their lives.’
‘It’s a bloody good way to affect it,’ he remarks.
‘Says the man who invented riverweed cakes?’ I grin, but the expression fades almost instantly. ‘Please, I’d rather no one else found out.’
‘You got it.’ He nods as he holds my gaze. ‘I won’t tell a soul. Not even Benny.’
I press my lips together at that. Does he still not wholly trust Benny? Do I need to be concerned that he is still talking with the expansionists?
I put the thought aside. Ruben would tell me if there was still an issue. He would.
As we cross the bridge, a ripple of tension passes through Ruben’s frame.
‘You okay?’ I ask him.
‘Maybe. Just feeling a little funny coming onto this ground,’ he admits. ‘You know, given that it’s sacred to the Issen, and I’m a big, lumbering Morathkian and all that.’
I slow my pace, stopping on the other side of the river as I consider how to respond.
‘I think it’s fine,’ I say finally.
‘Because you’re the princess and you’re giving me permission?’ he teases.
‘No,’ I laugh. ‘That’s not what I was thinking.
When Uzra was telling me about his time completing the Veil, he said there are those who are Issen by blood and those who are Issen by bond.
The bond part is about the type of person you are.
Respecting their values, their way of life.
I think … wherever we are in the world, you’ve always been Issen by bond. ’
His eyes remain on mine, his frown still in place. ‘That’s a compliment, right?’
‘Yeah. A big one.’
He smiles warmly. ‘In that case, I’m stepping on the sacred lands. Oel, if you could not strike me down, that would be great.’ He takes a careful step, then stops again. ‘But just in case I’m not actually allowed here, you won’t let them kill me, will you?’
I laugh. ‘You’re being ridiculous, and obviously I won’t let them harm a hair on your head. And as if they would. Truly, you’re already more beloved than Magnus!’
We walk mostly in silence from there, and as we near the cave, I’m surprised to see a familiar figure walking towards us.
‘Well, that makes me feel better about trespassing,’ Ruben mutters.
‘Thessa,’ I say as she approaches. ‘I didn’t expect you here.’
‘Magnus likes it here,’ she tells me. ‘I have been here a couple of times. Mostly early in the morning. I enjoy the melodies.’
‘The vandsang,’ Ruben interjects quickly. ‘That’s what I can hear, right? The water music?’
‘It is,’ I tell him before returning my attention to Thessa. ‘Is Magnus still in there now?’
‘Yes. In the cave beside the vandsang.’
I feel odd about that. In an absurd way, I thought that Magnus had shared the caves only with me.
With his granddaughter. I wonder how much time he and Thessa have spent together, and why I feel so awkward about it?
Then again, she’s Sanning, and so was his wife.
Perhaps it’s understandable that he would feel a connection to her.
I glance at Ruben. ‘Still okay to do this? With Magnus there?’
He nods. ‘Sure, I’m game.’
Inside, the king is seated on the furs, eyes open as though he heard us coming.
‘Rose. Ruben. Welcome.’ There’s a subtle emphasis on the word ‘welcome’, and he looks at Ruben as he says it, as if granting him permission to be on this sacred ground.
‘I thought Ruben might be a steadying influence to help me meditate,’ I explain.
‘You do not need to explain his presence here to me. He is welcome, warmly so,’ Magnus says. ‘Please, sit, both of you, and I shall leave you to your peace.’
Ruben moves immediately, but I’m slower to take my place. My mind isn’t quite in the mood for settling. ‘I saw Thessa outside,’ I say to the king, trying to keep my tone neutral. ‘She’s been meditating with you too?’
Magnus’s smile is soft. ‘Not meditating, no. Talking. But now is not the time for questions, but contemplation. You came here to still your mind. I shall leave you to do so. May your thoughts be gentle and clear.’
With that, he stands, offers Ruben a polite nod, and leaves.
The cold of the cave has a crystalline quality, and for a moment, I watch my breath fog in the air as the sound of the king’s footsteps fades. Only when complete silence surrounds us do I turn to Ruben.
‘So the idea is to relax your mind and try to stop your thoughts from spiralling by focusing on your breathing.’
He snorts lightly. ‘So I shouldn’t be thinking about how a certain earl and I are doomed to fail?’
I hope that clearing his thoughts will genuinely help Ruben.
He’s so good at making friends, knows the name of every person working in the palace and the library and probably other places too, but I can’t help but wonder how much his getting to know the new people is because it distracts from the pain of losing his mother.
Getting through his grief by helping others sounds exactly like the type of thing Ruben would do.
‘Come on,’ I tell him. ‘Clear your mind.’
With a shake of his head, Ruben shrugs off his darkened demeanour and pushes back his shoulders. ‘Okay,’ he says, his voice noticeably brighter, ‘tell me what I have to do.’
I laugh ruefully. ‘I’m no expert. I only know what I’m supposed to do, but actually doing it is another matter altogether.’
I give myself a shake. Starting out defeated isn’t going to help me. I have to begin with positivity, believing I can do this. That’s the only way it’s going to work.
‘Magnus said it’s not about trying not to think but rather controlling the thoughts by focusing on something else, like your breath.
That’s the main one.’ I fold my legs beneath me, still looking at Ruben, but his lips are pressed together.
‘You don’t have to be here if you don’t want to,’ I say.
‘It was probably wrong of me to ask you to help—’
‘No, no. It’s not that at all,’ he says, cutting me off before I can finish. ‘I was just thinking, that’s all. Mum used to do this thing when her pain started. It sounds like it could help. Sort of. I mean, it helped me when I broke my collarbone.’
‘You broke your collarbone? When? How did I not know that?’
He shrugs. ‘Got kicked by a horse when I was working at the stables as a kid. It was before you knew me. Let me think about how it worked.’
He inhales and exhales slowly, as if drawing the memories from some deep part of his mind.