Chapter 46 #2
‘I know.’ His hand slides into my loose hair, and he presses a tender kiss to my forehead. ‘So do I.’
‘I’m sorry.’ I sniffle. ‘I made it really fucking cold.’
‘You did,’ he agrees, but with no censure. ‘Can you pull the power in and pass it to me?’
I shake my head vehemently without a moment’s thought.
All I can picture is Ruben’s eyes, and the flames burning within them.
‘No.’
‘It’s the quickest solution—’
‘No! I’ll sort it.’ I concentrate, closing my eyes and hearing the vandsang in my head as I practise the three breaths. I picture the ice and snow shifting to liquid and then to vapour. When I open my eyes, it’s to see Kyor’s soft smile.
The ice and snow are gone, every hint of it vanished.
‘Look at you,’ he murmurs, his voice so full of pride and wonder it makes my battered heart swell. ‘I love you, Rose. I’ll love you with everything I am for all of eternity.’
He leans down and kisses me, a gentle swipe of his lips against mine, but we’re interrupted before it can go further.
A knock on the door is all it takes for me to discover my magic is not limited to our room.
‘Hey, I thought that snowstorm might be you,’ Caz says, hugging her body in an attempt to regain some body heat. There is no complaint in her tone though, for all her thin frame is shaking.
Today her eyes, like Benny’s, see too much. ‘You want to spend time with me today? We can go to the library.’
A smile tips my lips. ‘Is there any better place to you?’
‘None. So come with me? Unless … you have other plans?’
‘Thanks, but I think I’m going to pray, then head to the Veil,’ I tell Caz.
‘No worries.’ She turns her attention to Kyor. ‘You got plans for today?’
‘Actually, yeah. There are some wrongs I need to right.’
The way he says this – with solemn determination – tells me that whatever it is, his mind’s made up. And while I know he’ll talk with me when he’s ready, that doesn’t stop the nerves that ripple through me.
‘Tell me you’re not about to do something stupid?’ I ask him.
‘Me? Never. I’m very smart,’ he says arrogantly, making me laugh. ‘All will be fine. Better than fine.’ He offers a fleeting grin before his lips find mine.
‘In that case I’ll leave you two to it,’ Caz says. ‘But maybe we should start a rota? You know, for checking on Benny?’
‘I’ll go first,’ I offer.
‘I’ll go find him at lunchtime,’ Kyor says. ‘Force some riverweed down his throat. Gently, obviously.’
‘Okay,’ Caz says, happy to have a plan. ‘I’ll keep an eye on him this afternoon and ask Loch if he can cover dinner.’
With our tasks all shared, I head across the corridor to speak to Benny. I knock on the doorjamb, but he doesn’t answer.
I knock again, firmer, and then I open the door.
Benny looks terrible. He lies on the bed, eyes open but unfocused. His jaw – usually clean-shaven – has more than a shadow of stubble on it.
‘Hey,’ I say.
He doesn’t answer, so I climb onto the bed next to him and wrap my arms around him, just as Kyor did with me.
Benny begins to cry, sobs shuddering through his frame, and I can’t help but cry silently with him as my own heartbreak whips through me.
No Ruben.
No Ruben ever again. It doesn’t seem possible.
‘He said yes,’ Benny whispers. ‘To my proposal. That morning, he said yes.’
I nod, unable to say anything as my eyes burn like lava and tears track down my skin anew.
‘I’m sorry,’ I manage sometime later. ‘I’m so fucking sorry.’
He turns on the bed to face me, and as usual he misses nothing. He shakes his head. ‘It wasn’t your fault, Rose. It was mine. He was trying to save me. If I hadn’t hurt my ankle—’
‘It wasn’t your fault. I’m the one who gave him the magic, Benny. I gave him too much.’
‘He kept asking for more. You just did what he asked. What he begged you to do. I don’t blame you for that, Rose. I heard him begging, screaming for more.’
‘He did … but I… Gods, Benny, I saw it was too much. But the jotunn was closing in on you, and in that moment I—’ My lip trembles as I break off with a sob. ‘I chose you.’
My sobs are unfettered, and as the tears continue to stream down Benny’s gaunt cheeks, he pulls me in and crushes me to his chest.
‘It was his choice too,’ he whispers in broken absolution. ‘His choice. The Gods’ choice. And the motherfucking jotunn’s. I don’t blame you, Rose. I blame Stefan. I blame the Gods. The unfair fucking world. Don’t carry that, Rose. Don’t.’
I nod, because that’s what he wants, but I know I’ll carry Ruben’s death forever. If I could, I’d mark it on a wall of my own.
I cuddle Ben and wait until he drops into weary sleep before I slip away. Time to face my own demons.
I walk outside to find Fen pacing up and down the palace walls.
Everything all right? I ask him.
Just waiting for Elska to return.
Where is she? Hunting?
Not exactly. She left the pyrrhic last night trying to locate the shade.
The shade. With everything that has happened, with Ruben, and Kay, and the fucking Veil, the daggers and the fact that people want them had slipped to the back of my mind.
I know, Fen replies to the words I didn’t offer him. Which is why my mate and I have taken the role upon ourselves. We decided it was best to split up. I stay here to protect you, and she stays there in case.
Thank you, I say, though a flicker of guilt catches me. I know how much he likes to spend his nights curled up with his mate, just like I do.
Well, it is only for the short term until we find who tried to break into your room. Find them and—
And let me guess, rip out their throats? I finish for him. Do you not have any other kind of approach?
If you want, I can talk about ripping people limb from limb, tearing their arms from their sockets, pulling their kneecaps from their tendons so that they sever and snap while they scream out in pain? He sounds hopeful.
You know what, you’re right. We can stick to ripping out throats. I am perfectly happy with tracheas.
The slight smile that ebbs through him is needed after everything we’ve been through. But as I reach the sacred lands, where the sky above us is a perfect crystal blue, the yearning in my heart is not solely my own. It’s Fen’s too.
I’m sorry I haven’t checked on you during all this, I whisper to him. Asked about your grief. It must be hard for you. I know how much you still miss Zelle. We all do.
Thank you, Little Raven, but I am strangely at peace with it. We cannot have life without death. Without my loss, I would not have you. It does not erase the pain, but it offers some consolation at least.
I’m glad of that.