Chapter 39 #2
“Don’t say that with such finality. We haven’t even talked about it.” I crossed the room to her, taking her hands in mine. “Just listen. Let’s sit down, look at houses and schools. Let’s figure this out.”
The look she pinned me with cut all the way to the bone. “Let’s talk about your mom.”
I reared back, releasing her hands. “That has nothing to do with this.”
“I think it does.”
Now I was starting to get mad, and I did not want to be mad at her. “I know you don’t have a lot of respect for what I do, but please try to understand the kind of opportunity I’m being offered.”
She flinched like I’d struck her. “I have a lot of respect for your career, Ben. Since we reunited, I’ve watched every single one of your games. I celebrate every win, stress over every hit. It’s new to me, but I care, and I think I’ve more than proven that. That was really unfair.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry.” I dragged my fingers through my hair, searching for a way to make her understand.
“I feel like you’re not hearing me, though.
Wanting to join the Warriors has nothing to do with my mother and everything to do with playing rugby in New Zealand for the best team on earth.
Besides that, it’s a beautiful place to live with a high quality of life.
We’ll be happy there, baby. You have to try. ”
“And you’re not hearing me. If you need this, we’ll try to make it work. I’ll bring Katty to visit. We can do video calls, talk as much as possible. We’ll miss you, but a year, two tops, isn’t so long in the grand scheme of things.”
Hearing my words thrown back at me with her absolute refusal to back down made my vision blur and panic strike at my chest. I clutched my pounding heart, keeping it from leaping out and cracking on the floor.
“Why do you get to decide?” I uttered lowly.
Her arms jerked. “What do you mean?”
“You don’t want to go with me, all right. That’s your choice. But why do you get to decide where Katty goes? I want her with me, Mazz. I’ve missed too much time with my daughter to settle for visits and phone calls. I’m not leaving her behind.”
The air went still.
She stared at me, not breathing, not moving, not even blinking. “You’re kidding.” Wide, wet eyes bored into mine as she staggered backward. “Tell me you didn’t just say that. Tell me you don’t think you’re going to take my daughter from me.”
Reality caught up to me in one swift hit to the sternum. I couldn’t breathe. I lurched toward her, but she threw up her hands, warning me away.
“Don’t come near me,” she whispered, her voice ragged.
“I didn’t mean it.” I drove the heel of my hand into my eye. “I’m not going to ever do that, Mazzy. I wouldn't do that to either of you. I’m sorry for saying it. I swear I didn’t mean it.”
A soft piece of her hardened before my eyes. “We have a custody agreement for exactly this reason. You can’t take her out of the country without my permission. Whether you mean it or not, it won’t happen.”
“I know that,” I rasped. “I just…I’m scared, okay? I said a fucked-up thing because I’m scared of losing time with her. With you.” My chest caved in a little more. “I don’t want this without my family.”
“I don’t know what to tell you.” She sucked in a shaky breath. “I don’t know what to say right now.”
“Can’t you think about it?” I pleaded.
This wasn’t supposed to be how things went.
We were going to talk, get excited about the adventure.
Mazzy was going to be happy for me. We were going to spend the night celebrating then lie in bed, holding hands, talking about what was to come.
After the last couple weeks…I needed this.
After I’d gotten the call from Seth, I finally felt like I could take a full breath.
I didn’t know what to do with this. Mazzy was looking at me like I was a stranger, and the fact that she wasn’t willing to bend, not even a little bit, was killing me.
Killing me.
“You just threatened to take my baby from me,” she whispered, turning away from me. “I don’t want to do this anymore.”
“No. What?” I erased the distance between us in two short strides, dipping so she had to look at me. “You don’t want to do this? What does that mean? Mazzy, I’m not taking Kat from you. I should never have said that. I’d never hurt you—either of you.”
“But you did hurt me. You thought about it and decided to say it.” She clamped down on her bottom lip, biting it way too hard. “I think I need some space.”
“I don’t think you do.” I nudged her chin with my knuckles, tipping her head back. “I have fucked this night up so badly, I don’t know how to get it back. I really thought you’d be happy, and I’m freaking out a little—a lot. Saying shit I don’t mean, grasping at straws.”
“That’s exactly why we should take some space—so we don’t hurt each other any more than we already have.
” She pressed her palm to my cracking chest. “If you want this, I will do my level best to support you in any way I can. I’m not your enemy.
I’ll never be that, no matter what happens between us.
We can talk more about this later, but I need to take a step back now. ”
I placed my hand over hers. “Let me stay, baby. We can talk about anything else. Don’t make me go.”
Her eyes hit mine like a truck. “Your mom?”
I heaved a heavy breath. “There’s nothing to say on that topic.”
“That’s what I thought.” She slipped her hand from beneath mine to tuck her hair behind her ear. “I wish you could talk to me. I thought you were coming back to me tonight, but you’re only moving further away.”
“No,” I rasped, my guts spilling out of me. “Remember glue? I’m attached to you. I’m not letting you go. It won’t happen.”
Her sigh was one of the saddest sounds I’d ever heard. “I’m asking for space and time to think.”
She wasn’t backing down. She wasn’t bending. I couldn’t force my presence on her when it was exactly what I wanted to do. Maybe, though, if I gave her what she asked, she’d be able to consider moving to New Zealand with me. That was what I told myself.
“Okay. If that’s what you need.” I scrubbed my jaw hard. “I can’t stay away for long. I need to see Kat—”
“I’m not asking you to stay away from Katty. I’d never do that.”
The way she said it dug under my skin, a reminder I’d been the asshole who’d threatened to move Katty away from her against her wishes just minutes ago.
Defeated, I nodded once, not trusting my voice.
The apartment suddenly felt too quiet. Too unfamiliar.
I walked to the door, my body heavy, movements slow and foreign. My hand hovered on the knob, disbelief I was really about to walk away settling in.
“Mazzy,” I said without turning around.
“Yes?”
“I really thought you’d be excited.”
She didn’t say anything, and her silence was answer enough.
I opened the door, and the warm air in the garage hit me like a wall. I stepped out, and the door shut behind me with the softest click that sounded like a vault being locked.