Chapter 40
Chapter Forty
Mazzy
There was no better medicine than holding a tiny, sleeping baby. Lucky for me, Shira had been more than willing to let me borrow baby Ruby during our lunch date. She got to be hands-free so she could eat a meal in peace, and I got much-needed baby snuggles.
She looked at me across the table, her fork dangling, a tired but serene smile curving her lips.
“Are you ready to talk about it?”
Tucking Ruby into the crook of my arm, I picked up my water glass. “What do you know?”
“I know about New Zealand.”
I nodded. “He’s going to go.”
“He hasn’t signed the contract yet. It isn’t official. But”—she speared a tomato with her fork—“it is a really amazing opportunity. Most rugby players dream of playing for the Warriors.”
“That’s what he said.”
In the days since Ben had dropped the bomb, we hadn’t talked about it. We hadn’t spoken much at all. He’d been around, like always, soaking up as much time with Katty as he could.
That made me sad.
To be fair, everything made me sad.
I didn’t know what to say to him anymore. I’d considered going, I really had, but I couldn’t seem to make myself believe it was the right move. If we’d been together longer, if he hadn’t shut down when his mother had reappeared, if he hadn’t said what he had to me…
Well, there was no sense in getting caught up in the “ifs.” This was our situation now. Ben wanted to go. I didn’t.
It wasn’t even that I didn’t want to go, really. It was giving everything up—all I’d built around me, the security of my job and my little family—for a maybe.
Maybe it would work out.
Maybe we’d be happy.
Maybe I could find another job I loved just as much and pausing school wouldn’t kill my momentum.
Maybe Ben would never shut down on me again.
Shira swallowed and dabbed her mouth with her napkin. “He also told his brothers he said he’d take Katty.”
I raised my brows. “I’m surprised he admitted that.”
“Me too. I think he wanted them to tell him how stupid he was, and they did, in spades. Even Adrian, one of the most guarded, mistrusting men I’ve ever known, verbally slapped him for going there.
Believe me, Ben knows he was wrong, and if he forgets, his brothers will remind him without hesitation.
” Her faint smile faded. “Roman had a meeting with Louise.”
“Oh?” Shifting Ruby, I leaned forward. This was a surprise. “How was it?”
“Well, she really is dying. She brought her medical records so Roman wouldn’t think she was manipulating them. Though I’m not sure anyone doubted her. One look, and…”
Our eyes met, and we shared the same bleak expression. “Yeah.”
She sighed. “She explained she’s been living in California alone. Had left during a particularly bad bout of depression, and their father hadn’t allowed her to come back. Since he’s not alive and here to refute her claims, we only have her version.”
“How did Roman feel about their talk?”
“Thoroughly wrung out.” She grimaced. “She wasn’t asking for forgiveness, and he didn’t give it to her.
But she wanted her boys to know what happened so they wouldn’t always wonder.
She’s planning on spending the rest of the time she has left here.
He said she doesn’t expect anything from them, but if they have questions or need to say anything to her, she’s willing to listen as long as she can. ”
“That sounds like it went as well as it could have.” I looked down at Ruby, her coal-black hair and rosy lips. So sweet and peaceful, she made my chest ache. “What did Ben think?”
“He doesn’t want anything to do with her. He hates that Roman even gave her the time of day.” She pressed her lips together, gathering herself. “She really did a number on them, and their father wasn’t any better, of course. They weren’t dealt a very good hand when it comes to parents.”
I lifted my eyes to hers. “He won’t talk to me about her.”
Her brow pinched. “I think he’s trying really hard not to think about her, but I’ve come to know Ben over the last few years. Her return and the feelings it’s dredging up are something he wants to avoid at all costs.”
“It’s hurting him.”
“Yes.” Shira nodded sadly. “It is.”
I wished I could share some of his burdens with him. God, so badly. I wanted to, but he wouldn’t let me, and I wasn’t sure there was anything else I could do.
When I got home from work, Ben and Katty’s voices greeted me before I even opened the door, and the smile I always had from seeing the two of them together slipped away as quickly as it came.
How much longer would they have this? Would they be able to keep their close relationship with Ben living on the other side of the world? I’d do my best to make it so, but I had no idea how it would work after having Ben so close all these months.
Steeling myself, I pushed inside. “Hi, guys.”
Ben and Katty looked up from their spot at the kitchen counter. “Hi, Mommy. We’re baking.”
Ben waggled his brows. “Cookies for dinner.”
I laughed as I dropped my bags on the table. “As long as there’s a side of broccoli, I’m in.”
That got her nose crinkly. “Ew. Cookies and broccoli don’t go together.”
“I don’t know, sweetheart. I think your mom’s onto something. Veggie cookies sound delicious,” Ben teased.
I leaned over the counter to give Katty a kiss on the top of her head. “Good day?”
“Yep, Declan had to go to time-out because he pushed Joe in the sandbox.” Her eyes got big. “He wasn’t even sorry.”
Ben groaned. “I knew that kid was trouble.” He tapped his cheek. “Don’t I get a kiss?”
“Oh.” My throat tightened. We’d been orbiting each other the past few days, but we hadn’t come close enough to touch. I never thought I’d miss someone in the same room as me, but I missed Ben with everything I was. “If you want one, sure.”
His eyes locked on mine, showing me he felt it too—the same aching yearning for someone who was there but not. “I want one.”
He leaned closer, and I stretched to reach him, the counter between us. At the very last second, he turned his head so my lips met his instead.
“Thief,” I whispered, a shiver running down my spine.
“Can’t help it,” he murmured. “Had to do it.”
He got back to work on cookies with Katty, and I retreated to my bedroom until it was time for dinner. We ate together, laughed at our daughter, and avoided looking at each other. By the time we’d tucked her into bed, I was exhausted from the effort of pretending everything was fine.
I bustled around the kitchen, wiping already shiny counters, waiting for Ben to leave so I could take a full breath. He did the opposite. Sliding up next to me, he put his hand on top of mine.
“Do you hate me?”
Drat. That hurt. My eyes burned, and I had to bite the inside of my cheek to give myself another kind of pain to focus on.
I shook my head. “Never.”
His fingers twitched. “Do you love me?”
I nodded, my eyes stinging too badly to bear.
“I love you, baby.” He tugged on my hand, turning me to face him. “This is so fucking hard.”
“Yeah.” I had to close my eyes. I couldn’t stand seeing Ben sad. “I don’t know how to do this.”
His hand slid under my hair, squeezing my nape. “I don’t either.” His forehead dropped to mine. “I love you so much. I don’t want this to be us.”
I swayed into him, taking as much of this moment as I could. Forgetting, for now, I was mad at him for hurting me in a way I didn’t know how to get over.
His heart thumped wildly beneath my hand braced on his chest, and mine echoed his rhythm. Unease crawled over my skin. This wasn’t right. We weren’t supposed to be this way. Yet…all along, I’d known this was too good for me to keep. That was how it always went.
“Have you found a place to live there?” I asked in an effort to pull myself out of the dream of everything turning out okay.
His breath caught for a moment then released. “I’m looking.”
That was exactly what I’d needed to take a step back. “I’m really tired. I should get some sleep.”
His shoulders slumped, and I didn’t dare let my eyes graze his face. I wasn’t strong enough.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Mazz.” Warm lips pressed against my forehead before he moved away from me. “Good night.”
“Night,” I whispered, only looking up after the door clicked shut.