Chapter 23
Ray wakes to the annoying buzzing of that damn alarm clock.
As much as he wants to, he can’t sleep in with Gene.
So he shuts it off, gets up from the bed, and heads into the bathroom to relieve his bladder.
Once out, Gene sits up from the bed as well, and Ray gives him one last kiss before he’s out the door and rushing back to his own motel room.
Thankfully, Carol didn’t unexpectedly come back early.
If all goes right with the schedule, she’ll be here in less than an hour.
Shortly after that, they’ll check out of their motel and be on the road to California.
So he’s got some time to change his clothes, freshen up, and try his best to cover up that hickey from Gene.
When he’d stopped back in here for a minute last night, he threw the lingerie into his own suitcase.
Truth be told, he’d snagged it from Carol’s suitcase before she’d even left for her gig, hoping she wouldn’t notice.
If Ray didn’t take the lingerie then, she would’ve just brought it with her.
She’d never mentioned the lingerie once to him this entire tour, even though he first discovered it a few weeks ago.
So he figured—if she wasn’t talking about it, maybe she’d forgotten about it?
She does get pretty spacey sometimes if she takes Quaaludes.
It’s all very risky, and he knows it. But having these private moments with Gene lifts him up.
He writes songs with Gene, sings with him on stage, the adrenaline coursing through his body whenever they share a mic in front of thousands of people…
He wants more, and Gene is willing to give it to him, should the situation allow.
Of course he’s going to take the opportunity, when it all just seems right.
Maybe he’s being reckless. Hell, he definitely is. But he can make this work, right?
He stares at himself in the bathroom mirror, applying a generous amount of powder to his neck.
The skin is very red, and is only going to get darker as the day goes on.
Thankfully he has his own make-up, but even that isn’t as good as he thought it’d be.
Three layers on, it’s obvious that this doesn’t look natural.
Fuck.
If it looks bad now, it’s going to get much worse later.
Unfortunately he doesn’t have any turtleneck sweaters in his suitcase—he didn’t think he’d want to wear any during this tour—but he does have a few scarves.
He just has to make sure that tonight Carol won’t want to get him naked for any reason.
Because it’s not just the one on his neck he has to worry about—there’s also the one Gene gave him on his inner thigh.
He needs to make up an excuse as to why he’d be too tired for sex with her. He’s done it before.
But isn’t the discovery of a hickey exactly why Harriet broke up with me back then?
This time doesn’t have to be like the last. He can be more careful. He can hide it. He was the one who let Gene bite him anyway, despite the risks. I wanted him to do it so fucking badly.
Now all dressed with a scarf wrapped around his neck, all Ray can do is wait for Carol. He sits on the bed, watching TV and eating a snack from his bag in the meantime.
It feels like no time passes at all before she’s opening the door.
“Ray.” She doesn’t smile. “Just the person I wanted to see.”
She shuts the door behind herself, setting her suitcase down by the shoes. But she doesn’t take her own off just yet. Instead, she walks closer to him, mouth tight in a flat line.
“Carrie!” Ray says as he stands from the bed, setting a hand on her shoulder. “I missed you. Glad you’re back.”
She raises an eyebrow, not returning his touch, leaving her hands at her sides. “Well, that’s good. I want to ask you something before I forget, since it’s been bothering me.”
Sweat drips down his cheek. “Oh, what’s the matter?”
“Do you know what happened to that lingerie set I had in my suitcase?”
His heart skips a beat.
But before he can say anything, she continues—
“It’s my own fucking fault for not putting a lock on my suitcase, and my best guess is one of the other girls from the gig stole it from me. But I realized you also have access to my suitcase too, so I was wondering maybe you had just taken it…? What for, I have no idea. But I still wanted to ask.”
This is his chance. He didn’t even think of the possibility of someone else stealing it from her. Yes, he could simply tell the truth and tell her he has it, but then he’d have to explain why, which he definitely does not want to fucking do.
His heart slaps against his chest. He gulps, taking his hand off Carol’s shoulder, hoping she didn’t notice how sweaty it’d gotten.
“I have no idea,” he says. “I didn’t even know you had a lingerie set, since you’ve never told me about it. So I’m just as confused as you are. It very likely could’ve been stolen by one of those other girls.”
Carol scoffs. “Figures. Maybe you’re right, I should lay off the Quaaludes. Makes me too ditsy to even pay attention to what’s happening around me.”
His shoulders sag in relief. “Well, I mean, if you think that’s the right call, then yeah, you should.”
Carol looks at him, up and down, crossing her arms over her chest—wearing a sleek form-fitting sweater. “I’m paying attention now, though. You seem tense. Like you were worried I was gonna ask about something else.”
“What? Oh, no, I’m fine!” He chuckles a nervous laugh, rubbing his elbow.
“Did you sleep in here last night?”
He blinks. “Um, yeah! ’Course I did. It’s our room, after all.”
“Then how come the sheets are still perfectly made? I don’t think housekeeping does it until after we check out, since we’re only here for one night.”
Shit.
That’s something that completely slipped his mind.
He was worrying so much about the lingerie and the hickeys that he didn’t even think to make it look like someone had slept in the bed here last night.
“I—I just woke up early and had some free time, so I fixed it up. It was just me in the bed, so I didn’t mess it up that much.”
“Ray, that sounds like a fucking lie. You have never made our bed. I’m always the one to do it.”
“Oh, uh…” Fuck. She’s right. There’s no way to get out of this one.
But maybe he can still twist it to not sound as bad, like he did the night he slipped up about his feelings for Gene…
He sighs. “Okay. You got me. I hung out with Gene last night again in his room, since I didn’t feel like being alone.
And I ended up sleeping in there. That’s all. ”
Carol tsks, moving her hands to her hips. “If all you did was hang out, why lie about it? That doesn’t make any sense.”
Ray gulps.
“Unless… you did more than hang out,” she accuses. “I know you’re fucking attracted to him. You told me yourself.”
“But just because I’m attracted to him, that doesn’t mean he’d want to do anything with me…”
“Why are you wearing a scarf?”
Ray’s breath hitches. Like on instinct, he reaches up to pet it around his neck. “Because I like scarves? You know I wear them all the time—”
“You’re not wearing it to hide something, are you?”
“What? Of course not! I just told you—”
“If you have nothing to hide, then take it off. Show me.”
That makes him stop. He clenches onto his scarf tighter. “Oh, no, it’s fine—”
“Show me!” She steps forward, grabbing onto his hand, attempting to pry it away. “If you were honest, you wouldn’t hesitate. Show me!”
He tries to hold onto the scarf, but her grip is too strong. He doesn’t want a struggle, doesn’t want to hurt her wrists from the pressure, so he lets go. With both hands, she tugs the scarf off of him, it fanning out as it falls slowly to the floor, finally exposing his neck.
“Are you fucking serious…”
She reaches up, touching the crook of his neck. She rubs the area with her fingers, then pulls them away, a thick powder now coating the tips.
“What the hell is this, Ray?!” she yells in his face. “Gene gave you a hickey?!”
He doesn’t have anything to say. He simply stares at her, eyes wide open, his pulse hammering away.
She’s witnessing Gene’s claim on him.
“You were in Gene’s room last night doing more than just ‘hanging out’, and this is the proof I needed. Fuck, Ray! What the fuck!” She rubs her fingers together, smearing the powder over them.
“Carrie, I—I can explain—”
“Explain what?” She throws her hand to her side.
“Explain another excuse to me? Lie to me again? My fucking god. I was worried about what would happen if I wasn’t here.
Looks like I was right. You guys fucked.
You weren’t just fantasizing about it—you actually fucking did it.
You must’ve done it that night earlier in the month, too.
What the fuck, Ray? You cheated on me with Gene! ”
Hearing it said so plainly drives a knife through his heart.
The cat’s out of the bag.
“I… I mean… Yeah. I did.” He lifts his hand, covering his mouth. There’s no point in lying anymore.
“How long has this been going on?” Her gaze is like another dagger, assaulting him with eye contact. “Fourth of July? Before then, too? Hell, were you doing things with him before me and you had even met?!”
“No, no, I hadn’t done anything with him before we met!” Ray shakes his head. “It’s a… more recent thing than that.”
“So you got with me first, got bored with me after a while, and decided fuck her feelings and thought you’d mess around with Gene instead? Behind my back?”
“N-no, there’s… there’s more to it… I can’t explain!” He takes both hands and runs them through his hair, pulling his bangs away from his face. “I’m sorry! I’m fucking sorry! I fucked things up so bad.”
“You’re damn right, you did!” She huffs out a breath through her nose. “I trusted you when you said that you hadn’t done anything with him. That it was all just a fantasy. Since I have fantasies, too. But I haven’t actually gone out and slept with any of those other girls. My fucking god, Ray.”
“I’m sorry. I know I’m a piece of shit. I fucking ruined everything. Carrie, I still like you. The thing with Gene is different. He’s my best friend. He’s a guy. But I didn’t mean to hurt you like this…” He lets his hair fall back over his face, his hands coming to his sides, shaking up a storm.
“It’s different, huh?” She frowns, throwing up one hand.
“I guess so. He’s not your girlfriend, like I am.
Hell, with you both being guys—and you’re both fucking rockstars, for Christ’s sake—it’s not like he could ever be your official ‘boyfriend’ anyway, right?
You’re probably just ‘experimenting’; I get it.
Because he has a girlfriend, too. But that’s no reason to fucking lie to me and do it behind my back. ”
“No, you’re right. It’s… super shitty. I fucked up. I’m sorry…” He can’t stand this conversation any longer. His heart is going to rip out of his chest. His shoulders won’t stop shaking. What else can he say to make things right?
“If you’re really sorry, then you’ll pull your act together.
If you really care about me and want to be with me, you’ll stop this bullshit with Gene and be with me only.
” She points at his chest. “Since you’re some big famous rockstar, you can’t be with Gene anyway!
I’m giving you one last chance to prove yourself to me. I’m sick of the lies.”
Ray gulps, his hands forming fists at his sides, palms sweaty. “I do like you a lot, Carrie. I won’t lie to you anymore. I promise.”
“Fine. Fucking fine!” She itches her head, flipping her brown hair as she throws her hand out. “I like you, Ray. But you can be such an asshole at the same time. I like your band, I like everyone here a lot, I love traveling with you all and the music, but…”
His heart slams against his ribs. “Please, don’t say anything about me and Gene to anyone. Oh my god.” He puts his hand on his chest, his pulse racing. “It can’t get out that I did anything with him. It’d ruin the band.”
“So it’s not just about fucking me over; you also jeopardized everyone’s entire career by sleeping with Gene?!”
“I know it’s bad. Fuck. But this can’t get out. Think of Santi. Think of Stefan. Hell, think of Pat!”
That gets her to jolt.
“I don’t want to ruin their lives because of my own bad decisions,” he says.
“They didn’t do anything wrong. Please, no matter what happens between me and you, just—just don’t tell anyone else about me and Gene.
I’ll tell the rest of the band myself, um, whenever I get a chance. Please, just promise me this. Please.”
Carol’s mouth twists. He can see her visibly shaking, brows furrowed, teeth gritting.
“Fine. I won’t say anything about you and Gene.
Fine! But I’m not doing it for you, it’s for Pat and the others.
Because I’m really, really fucking mad at you for this.
You can tell Pat yourself.” She shakes her head, and runs her fingers through her bangs.
“What about Toshiko, though? I doubt she has any idea. Fuck, Gene’s such a piece of shit too, for that. ”
Ray bites his lip. He rubs his palms against his hips, wiping off the sweat onto his pants. “No, she wouldn’t know. But let Gene deal with that himself, okay? Please? Whatever’s going on between them, they’ll work it out.”
“Fine. Whatever, they can deal with it. I still can’t believe this.
Goddammit. Or, maybe I can. You’ve given me all the clues and I was too careless to put the pieces together.
Whatever. I’m done with the Quaaludes. I’m done with the bullshit.
Even if you make it up to me, you’re still a piece of shit for doing it in the first place! ”
It happens so fast, he can’t avoid it.
The palm of her hand slaps against his cheek.
It stings—he yelps, the pain absolutely burning. In a flash, he puts his hand up to his face, covering the area.
“Carrie!”
“You deserve it. Fuck, I need some space. I just… I just don’t want to be around you right now!”
She grabs her suitcase, swings open the door, and rushes out—leaving the door ajar and Ray standing there in the dust.
“Oh… oh my fucking god.”
He stares out the door, looking out at the parking lot.
Did anyone hear us? Did Gene hear us? Gene’s room is just next door.
Ray wants to go out and check, but for some reason, he can’t move.
He’s caught in a standstill, holding his throbbing cheek, gazing out the doorway.
But he can hear someone’s voice outside—not Gene’s, but someone else he knows…
“Hey, Carol! Is everything okay?”
It’s Santiago—Ray can see him outside, looking in the direction of where Carol had stormed off to.
“Leave me alone!” she shouts. “Is Pat in her room?”
“Um, yeah, I think so?” Santi says. “Sheesh, cool it, will ya?”
Ray doesn’t hear her answer. Instead, Santi looks into Ray’s room, his eyes widening when he catches sight of him.
“Ray, what happened?! Are you okay?”