Chapter 29
Junie
Leaving Steven at the airport is the last thing in the world I want to do, but I feel torn in two completely different directions.
When I finally answered the phone during breakfast yesterday, my sister was a wreck.
It scared me. I’ve never heard her sound so desperate and alone.
Even though I feel exhausted and hollowed out about letting Steven go without me, I know our time will come.
This is a chance for me to finally be there for my baby sister.
For some reason, she has finally let down her walls and opened up to me.
There’s no question that I have to step up for her.
I dry my eyes in the car and drive to the coffee shop like I didn’t just let my heart take off on the runway.
This is the farthest I’ve been from him since we met, and it feels like losing a piece of myself.
It’s salt in the wound that it was one of my posts that ultimately called him away from me.
He tried to celebrate my success in finding a huge donor for the sanctuary last night, but neither of our hearts were in it. Coffee is a must.
“You actually came.” Lisa’s eyes are big, round, and soft. Unlike I’ve seen them since we were just girls, as she settles Luna into the seat beside her.
“Of course I did. You needed me. Tell me what’s going on. Where’s Ryan?”
She scoffs, blowing air between her dark red lips and making the baby laugh and clap her hands. “He’s working. First tell me what’s going on with you. Are you really cheating on David?”
Her words are sharp, but the barb doesn’t land. She always lashes out when she’s scared. I narrow my eyes at her.
“We aren’t together. Turns out he’s kind of an idiot.”
That startles a laugh from her. She runs a hand over Luna’s head, smoothing her hair away from her face, but the motion seems to soothe her more than the baby. “Took you long enough to realize that.”
“You’ve never liked him. Why do you keep bringing him up? And what does that have to do with you being here?”
I can see her chewing on her cheek and I resist the urge to break the silence. We may not be best friends, but I love my sister and if she wants my help, she only has to ask.
“I’m sorry for telling everyone you were still together.
I went to Grannie’s house looking for you, and he was there.
I guess I shouldn’t have believed him. I was just pissed.
” Her posture softens as her shoulders slump forward.
Some of the fight seems to leave her. “It’s not really fair that she gave it to you. ”
We’ve had that argument a few times already so I know it’s not what she’s really upset about. The last thing Lisa ever wanted was to be stuck in Eastern Pines with the rest of us. Grannie left her some money but put the majority of it in a trust for Luna, and I have no control over that.
“Why were you looking for me?” I ask gently, afraid of pressing too hard on the wound.
Lisa’s eyes fill with tears. I really look at her—her dramatic eye makeup is flawless as always, but underneath, she looks tired. I wrote it off to being a new Mom, or being around our parents so much, but there is obviously something more.
“I left Ryan,” she says finally, the words so quiet I feel them more than hear them. “I’m sure you, Mom, and everyone else will be glad to hear that.”
“I’m never glad that you’re hurting.” I reach out and rub my sister’s arm, trying to put all of my aching love into the motion. From experience I know that one wrong move could make her attack and run.
“He’s a lying cheat. He never wanted to be a Dad. I’m over it. I can’t be in that house with him anymore. I just—I didn’t—I don’t have anywhere else to go.” Lisa chokes on a sob and I feel my chest crack open with hurt, quickly refilling with a lava-like rage as her words sink in.
“I’ll kill him,” I say through gritted teeth.
“Don’t bother. He’s not worth it. Aren’t you going to say ‘I told you so’?” The pain in her eyes makes my legs feel weak.
“Of course not. I would never be happy about this happening to you. That’s Luna’s father.”
“You, and Mom, and everyone else were right. He’s a scumbag. A deadbeat. And I’m the idiot who fell for him anyway. Now everyone will have the chance to gloat. You’re the perfect daughter once again.”
“Lisa, come on. What are you talking about?”
“This is how it’s always been. I’m the fuck up. Just this once I thought you were doing something crazy and that it might take the attention off me, but I was wrong again. How could I be so stupid?”
“You’re not stupid. Don’t say that. What are you going to do? How can I help?”
“I just want somewhere to go where Luna and I can be alone. I can’t afford my own place and there’s no way I can stay with Mom and Dad any longer.
I’m terrified to tell them, they just think we’re on an extended visit during Ryan’s busy work season.
But maybe now, with Crocodile Dundee and everything…
Maybe I won’t look so bad. Are you really moving to Indonesia? ”
Spoken like a true baby sister. I crush her in my arms even when she tries to wriggle away.
I take a deep breath and say what I need to, no matter how conflicted I feel. “I won’t. I’ll stay and help you raise Luna, if that’s what you want.”
“No!” she shouts, pulling out of my arms and looking me in the eyes. “That’s not what I want at all. I’m not trying to ruin your life over my mistake.”
“Loving you and Luna would not ruin my life.”
“Seriously, Junie. Don’t you dare. I just want somewhere to crash for a while. I can’t stay at Mom’s. And I can’t pay for a hotel. Can I just stay with you for a few nights? Just until I figure something else out. I can’t stand to even look at Ryan right now.”
“Of course you can. Let’s head there now. Do you need me to help you pack some stuff?”
“It’s all in the car,” Lisa grimaces. She wipes her eyes on a baby wipe she pulls from her diaper bag. “I was really counting on you saying yes.” She sniffs.
“Yes, a thousand times yes. Let’s get you home.” I pull her out of the chair and scoop up my baby niece, shaking her little fists with a babbling smile.
She lets the whole story spill over takeout, sprawled on my living room floor.
Ryan had been the local bad boy. She’d fallen for him when he was still speeding down country roads on his motorcycle and spray painting speed limit signs.
They’d moved around every few months, constantly on again off again. Much more than Lisa had ever let on.
“I’m just so tired of being the screw up,” she cries, wiping her eyes repeatedly. Both of our faces are red and puffy with tears. I can’t believe that so much has happened in her life without me having any clue. That she didn’t feel like she could tell me.
I’ve been such a bad sister. How can I abandon her now, when she’s finally reached out a hand for help?
“Juniper Crawford, don’t you dare start pitying me,” she snarls, tossing her pizza crust into the box. “I can see it all over your face and it makes me sick. Luna and I will be just fine. We just need a soft place to land while we figure out our next moves.”
“I know what that’s like,” I sigh, pushing away all my guilt, my worry, and hurt.
Lisa is a prickly pain in the ass, but she’s always known how to take care of herself.
She told me what she needs in her own words.
I have to respect it. “Fine, no pity. Just let me ask this—what’s next?
You have to tell Mom and Dad the truth.”
“I will. At dinner on Friday. Just let me have a few days, please.” She lies flat on her back on the floor, spread out like a starfish.
“Take as much time as you need.” I lean over and kiss her forehead before picking myself up and going to my room. I shower and then climb into bed to call Steven, forgetting that he won’t even be home yet. I miss him so much. I wish he was here.
It feels like so much has happened already. How can he be so far away and yet not even there yet? The Gili Islands are too far. The world is too big. I feel tiny and helpless and unmoored.
But when my sister needed help, she called me. That has to count for something.
Me: I miss you.
I text, knowing he won’t see it for hours yet. I picture the words like a message in a bottle, bobbing on the sea. There are so many kinds of love in the world and suddenly I feel like I’m drowning in it.
*****
As much I want to help, Lisa really doesn’t seem to want it. She and Luna spend the next two days at the park, leaving me on my own with my endless list of tasks.
I never thought about how many things I’d come to own in my lifetime.
I’m on the verge of just Marie Kondo-ing the whole thing.
None of it brings me joy when it’s in the way of my fresh start with Steven.
But I can’t just get rid of Grannie’s possessions.
The house still has her energy and I don’t ever want that to fade.
Dressing for dinner feels like gearing up for battle. I’m not looking forward to defending myself against my parents again, but I’m determined to be strong for Lisa. If that means taking the heat while she works up the courage to speak her truth, then that’s what I have to do.
Steven and I got to touch base a little. The 12 hour time difference makes it feel like I’m dating a vampire—operating on completely opposite schedules. There is no way we can keep this up for long.
It’s almost a relief to get out of the house and hit the road to Mom and Dad’s.
“We’re glad you made it, baby.” Mom kisses my cheeks like she didn’t just see me a few days ago and shoot my dreams down like a bird from the sky.
“Where’s the Aussie?” Dad chirps, pulling me into a strong hug.
“A big donor arrived on Gili Telu. He had to head back.”
“Ah, so that’s a wrap on that one then, eh?” Mom raises her eyebrows as we follow her into the house. “Do you think you’ll stay penpals?”