Chapter 29 #2
“Mom, Steven is my boyfriend.” We’ve never used that exact terminology but as I have a list of things to pack for starting our life together, it feels like a safe bet. “I’ll be back with him soon. Remember, the new chapter?”
We’ve just walked in the door and I’m already ready for a fight. Mom takes Baby Luna from Lisa’s hands and rocks her side to side as she looks pointedly away from me.
“So you’re still planning on that. Freelancing? Moving to Bali?”
I can feel my blood beginning to boil. “Yes. It’s happening.
And even if it all goes to hell, and I have to return home alone with my tail between my legs, it’ll still be worth it.
This is my life, Mom. It’s the only one I get.
And it’s time I start living it. It’s time to take a chance. It’s time—”
“Mom, Ryan and I are getting divorced.”
I’m just building up steam when Lisa’s voice rings clear across the room. All activity stops—even Mom’s spastic bouncing of the baby grinds to a halt.
“What?”
“Honey.” Dad’s arms open and Lisa runs into them, dissolving into tears. Mom awkwardly hugs her with one hand, the other cradling a happy, oblivious Luna. I can’t help it, I run up and wrap my arms around the whole lot of them. I’m so fucking proud of my baby sister.
Dinner is a mess of laughing and crying.
Voices are raised, and Ryan is thoroughly abused as the details trickle out, but the important thing is that we’re all together.
Lisa was so terrified of their reactions, but at the heart of it all, our family only wants what’s best for each other.
We want each other to be happy. Sometimes it just takes a little while to remember that we’re all on the same team.
After dinner, Dad pulls me close. I take a deep breath, letting the smell of home and safety envelop me.
“You know, we’re proud of you kiddo. We always knew you’d go on to do big things.”
I look up at him, my eyes swimming in tears.
“What do you mean? I’ve just been hanging out here for the past few years. David was the one smashing goals and growing his business.”
“Of course we loved having you close to home, but if this is what you want, then you should go for it. Steven seems like a nice young man. And that accent! Makes me want to watch some old episodes of Crocodile Hunter.”
I snort. “He doesn’t really sound like that.”
He rubs a hand on my back and my head falls onto his shoulder, letting all the fight drain out of me.
“Your Mom means well,” he says in a lower voice. We both watch Mom and Lisa, whispering together on the couch. Luna sleeps soundly in her baby chair nearby. “Go ask her about your bucket list.”
“My bucket list?”
He only raises his eyebrows and nods toward the couch.
I approach Mom slowly. I’m still frustrated with her.
I feel so much pressure to be perfect, to please her, to make her proud.
And sometimes it feels like she doesn’t see or appreciate the real me—the messy one who makes mistakes and doesn’t always choose the “responsible” path.
But I know that she loves me and Lisa. When either of us truly needs help, she’ll be there.
Having a love like that, that I never have to doubt, makes me lucky beyond words.
“Mom? What’s Dad saying about a bucket list?”
She looks up and catches his eye across the room with a small smile. She wipes her eyes with the back of her hands and stands up.
“Oh, come on. You’ll like this,” she says, leading me toward her bedroom. “I found it in the attic. Maybe you haven’t changed as much as we thought.”
She digs through a cardboard box on her bed and pulls out a tattered piece of lined paper. I sit on the bed, holding it in my hands and blinking back tears.
I follow the childish scribbles with my eyes, feeling my heart beat through a tight chest.
“Junie’s Travel Bucket List” has ten destinations listed. Paris, Fiji, Egypt, and, in big capital letters and carefully copied script: Australia. I finger the tiny kangaroo my little hands had drawn all those years ago.
“You made this after Niagara Falls. So you’ve wanted to travel to far away places since you were seven at least. Maybe this really is what you need.”
“I can’t believe you kept this,” I laugh, laying the paper carefully on the bedspread and wiping my eyes.
“I keep everything.” She shrugs. “I love you. All of the versions of you. New ones, old ones, forgotten ones, and changed ones. If you’re happy, I’m happy.”
“Thank you, Mom.” I pull her into a tight hug. My chest feels cracked open and drained dry, but she’s not done.
“You were right, you know. The other night. I’m sorry I reacted like that.
You have to know, you were always the easy one.
Lisa gave us such a hard time, but you were always so responsible, so hardworking.
I’m proud of you, Junie. If anyone can find a way to make a crazy dream come true, it’s you.
I’m sorry if I ever made you doubt yourself. ”
“You won’t be upset if I go?”
“Of course I’ll be upset. I’ll miss you like crazy. But if this is what your heart is calling you to do, then you should follow it. That’s what Grannie would’ve done. I’ve always wished I could be a little more like her, but I think the adventurous gene skipped a generation.”
I’m sobbing, I can’t help it. “I miss her so much.”
“I know you do. But I see her spark in you. Don’t let anyone put it out. Don’t end up with a life piled up with regrets. Do you love that boy?”
“I really do, Mom. From the moment we met, I’ve felt like I was drowning, but I don’t even miss the air.”
“Then you should go for it. We’ll be here, no matter what. Whether you’re falling in love, rescuing sea turtles, or checking destinations off your bucket list, we’ll be cheering you on.”
“I really needed to hear that.”
“I’m sorry it took me so long to say it.” I never want to stop hugging my Mom. “Don’t worry about us. And that includes Lisa. We’ll be okay. You go chase your dreams.”
She cradles the back of my head with her hand as she pulls back and looks in my eyes.
“I saw the way he looked at you. He’s the real deal, Junie.
Unless you don’t want him, then screw it.
You can still run away and become a world explorer.
Just know that your home will always be here. And we’ll always be happy to see you.”
When Lisa and I finally leave that night, we’re emotionally exhausted, and melt straight into Grannie’s couch.
“Was it as bad as you thought?”
“No,” Lisa sighs. “I feel better, actually. Lighter. Thank you for letting me stay with you.” We hug and she drifts to standing. “I’m beat. I’m going to bed. Good night.”
Left alone in my living room, I look around at all my belongings. All the things David and I bought and filled our home with. All the things Grannie left me with.
None of it really means anything to me. I’ve been putting so much effort into going through each item, saving, selling, or packing it away. I’ve called so many storage companies, trying to find the most cost effective way to keep all this furniture.
Do I really want an IKEA bookshelf I built with my ex boyfriend?
Fuck no.
I want hammocks in Bali. I want eye masks on airplanes. I want stinky, fishy, salty, wet scuba gear, and cold showers, and to choose between two pairs of flip flops every day.
I want to get out of my comfort zone and see more of the world. I want to try new things, eat new foods, and learn more languages. I want to explore more of this beautiful Earth and I want to do my part to make it a better place.
I want to set the turtles free.
I want to be home with Steven.