Chapter 30
Steven
The plane hasn’t even landed before I realize that the place I need to be most is the one I just left. I can’t stand this feeling of being torn in so many directions. I left the woman I want to be with more than anything because she deserves better than a broken man.
That’s the lie I’ve been telling myself over and over again for the past few days.
That I’ve seen the way her family fusses over her, seen the way her friends defend her, and I know—I can’t damn her to a lonely life on an island in the Lombok Strait.
I can’t ask her to throw it all away to sail the world with me.
But the truth is, I just left before she could change her mind. I let the pain of what Naomi did shape everything about who I am. And I am afraid. Afraid of being hurt again. Afraid of not being enough for anyone. Afraid of being seen for all the ways that I still come up short.
I stumble off the ferry onto the island like a zombie. Even the smell of the ocean, the hot Indonesian sun, the splatter of color and car horns and incense hasn’t been enough to shake me out of my funk.
I brush past the horse and donkey taxis, ignoring the way that my rucksack straps dig into my shoulders.
I’m exhausted, heartbroken, running on empty.
All I want is to go home, but I no longer know where that is anymore.
I have a sick feeling I might’ve left it in New York, in a warm house with a closet bigger than my entire bungalow.
She has become my anchor, grounding me, and now my entire center of gravity has shifted.
“You look like fucking hell, mate.” Mike grins when he sees me. I’m dripping sweat, lost in my thoughts, but my chest feels a bit lighter when he embraces me like a brother.
“I feel like hell. Why the fuck do we live so far away?” The planes, cars, scooters, ferries, and walk have me almost delirious.
“Where’s your girl?” he asks, slipping my bag from my shoulders and leading the way to my room. I need a shower and a nap and some time alone to shove down all of the feelings and memories that are threatening to choke me.
“She’s still back in the States. I don’t think this is the life for her.”
Mike’s face darkens and he frowns as we finally make it to my front door. I sag in relief. It might not feel like home anymore but it’s cool and quiet and dark. I can finally nurse my terrible mood in private.
“She’ll be back.” He hands me my bag. “Come by the sanctuary when you’ve got some sleep. Big news.”
“Oh shit,” I groan with a pang. “I almost forgot. The actor! Are they here? Should I draw up a timetable? What can I—”
“No worries.” He shakes his head, pushing me gently into the cool dark of my room where the fan blows lazily back and forth, calling me into its depths. “I hope your ass didn’t come back here just for that. I told you on the phone, it’s all good, bro.”
His tight smile should make me nervous but I’m beyond rational thought. I slump into the room, collapse onto the bed, and sleep for several hours.
When my eyes finally crack open, it’s late afternoon.
I shower and call Junie. Her sister really shook everything up by revealing her divorce and my heart goes out to them both.
It’s just another reason she should stay in the States, stay with her family.
I wish her all the best and then jog to the dive shop to try to piece together the life I left behind.
Has it only been a week? Why does it feel like an entire lifetime has passed since the last time I’ve been here?
“Steven! You’re back!” Mason daps my fist and falls into step beside me.
We quickly find Mike and sprawl out in the employee room.
The other volunteers are giving a guided tour of the museum, so we’re alone.
The door is propped open and the sea breeze is a familiar friend.
The smell of salt and fish brings me peace.
“So tell me everything. How can I help?” I ask, jumping into the problem. I need a distraction. An excuse. Something to do with myself now that I’ve given up on the thing I want most of all.
Mike and Mason share a look then laugh.
“I told you, Steven. We don’t need help. Mason was already on his way back, so he’s going to take the donors.”
“But he’s not an intern anymore.” I lean forward in my seat, face pinched in a frown. We’d basically just had to shut down while I was gone with no one to run courses or eco-dives.
“Nope, he’s a fully certified scuba instructor, mate. You signed the papers yourself.”
“What about the dive shop?”
Mike turns to Mason who rubs his forearm nervously.
“We’ve had some tourists stop by. They all keep talking about our social media.
Junie’s posts have been getting around. We got some new divers certified and we have some fun dives scheduled for tomorrow.
I’ve got a schedule worked out for the donors.
We’ve just got to catch up on the conservation dives, but we’re only a few days behind. ”
“Oh man, that’s bloody great!” I say, and hope that no one else notices the false hearty tone to my voice.
I hadn’t considered that Mason being back means that my absence wasn’t as notable. He’s fully trained and certified now. He can handle the tourist dives. He can even handle the eco-dives, I just haven’t been gone long enough to give him a chance.
The three of us continue to talk about the changes.
Mason’s been hired full time at the shop.
Thomas is debating extending his stay while he applies to PhD programs. Victoria leaves tomorrow.
That leaves only two volunteers at the moment but Mike says they’ve had a huge influx of applications since the calls went out on social media.
It feels like we’re all dancing around a truth that no one wants to acknowledge: they don’t really need me here. Junie’s name feels like an unspoken detail in every discussion. It’s her hard work that’s helping things run so smoothly here.
Victoria walks in and drapes herself onto the couch, one leg propped over Mike’s. His face turns a little pink, but he places a hand on her thigh. I can’t help but feel shocked by the PDA.
“You’re back already?” she asks, and pops a piece of gum. “That was quick. Where’s Junie? I want to say goodbye.” She runs her fingers through Mike’s hair.
“Heading back to England?” I deflect. I wonder how Mike’s going to hold up when she’s gone. Maybe we can be miserable together.
“Vietnam,” she clarifies. “I’m going to drive the Ha Giang Loop. Will she be at The Local tonight?”
“Yeah nah. She’s not here.”
“Trouble in paradise?” She puts both feet on the ground and leans toward me. Mike and Mason both wince at her blunt question and avoid my eyes. “Are you really going to let her get away?”
I cross my arms over my chest, trying to look unaffected, trying to protect my heart. “Didn’t you just say you were leaving? Is Mike letting you get away?”
“Mike and I are different.” She looks over her shoulder at him and they exchange silly faces. “It was always just fun.” She turns back to me and her eyes are intense. “Whatever you did, you better undo it. You need to get her back.”
I scoff, tightening my grip on my upper arms until my knuckles turn white. I shake the hair out of my face and pop my sunnies down over my eyes. “Thanks for the advice. Guess I’ll just jump back on another plane.”
“What made you get on the last one?” she asks, and pops her gum again. She leans back on the couch like she’s just won an argument.
“Mike called.” I look at him for backup, but he seems to be waiting to hear me out. “I thought I…”
I thought that I was critical to our mission’s success.
I kind of thought that everything might fall apart without me.
But I’d never really taken any time off to see if that was true.
I put my heart and soul into working here.
I started the Sunday night beach clean ups, I trained divers, I threw myself into learning everything I could about sea turtles, conservation, and rehabilitation.
But the work continues, with or without me. I’ve given it everything, and I helped build the programs we have in place today, but now we have a team that can do it on their own.
Fuck that shouldn’t feel so demoralizing. The one place I’d felt like I fit for the last three years… has outgrown me.
Where does that leave me?
The air is thick with tension as I pretend to laugh. I can’t stop bouncing my knee.
“I didn’t do anything.” I finally say. “Junie just has a lot going on back home. It might not be a good time to switch to island life.”
“Ah.” Victoria nods then shares a look with Mike. “Well no offense, but then what the fuck are you doing back here?”
I try to smile like that question isn’t banging against the inside of my skull like a drum beat. I’d been so fucking afraid of being left, so afraid that she would want to leave but would feel too guilty to do it, that I’d ended up all alone after all and I only have myself to blame.
“I’ve got to be honest, mate. I don’t fucking know,” I finally confess. “I love this sanctuary.”
“And we love having you!” Mike jumps in to defend me. “But there’s more to life than just these shores. The sea is pretty big, you know.”
“Smartass.” I roll my eyes and let out the breath that’s been trapped in my chest. Standing from the chair, I take in the room.
I’ve spent a lot of time here over the last few years.
I remember when the paint was peeling and the ceilings were webbed with water stains.
It’s been cleaned up by volunteers. It looks almost presentable these days.
“You really want to take over the dive shop?” I ask Mason.
“I learned from the best. I’m definitely not done with my time here. But I’m not trying to take your job, bro.”
“You’re not taking anything from me.” I shake my head. “Good on ya, Mason. It’s a great idea. If you’re happy, I’m happy.”
“You know you’re always welcome here, Steven,” Mike says seriously, watching me with a knowing eye as if trying to bite back his smile.
“I think I need some time to figure out my next steps,” I say, rubbing the back of my neck.
I can’t help but feel frustrated that everyone seems to have a clearer idea of what’s happening than I do.
“Maybe it’s time I move on. Maybe even go back to Aus.
” Images of my Mum and my brothers flick through my mind and an unexpected warmth spreads throughout my chest.
“I hear they’ve got a pretty good reef there,” Mason deadpans.
“Plenty of turtles. Maybe even some of our guys.” Mike nods.
“Alright, alright. Message received. I’ll see you guys later. Thanks, Vic.” She nods at me, fingers pressed against her lips.
I jog back to the bungalow, feeling the sand between my toes as thoughts race through my mind. The deep croaks of the tokeh lizards follow me the entire way, a night song I’ve grown used to. I’ve been such a fool. I didn’t trust her to choose me. I didn’t trust myself to handle it if she didn’t.
I sit on the edge of the bed, itching to call Junie and tell her what I’m thinking, but I don’t want to confuse her.
She has her sister’s divorce to deal with, her own decisions to make.
I don’t want to add to the pressure by telling her that my time on Gili Telu might be wrapping up soon. That she’s changed everything.
I look around the little house I’ve rented for the last few years and I’m reminded of her huge flat, filled with clothes and furniture and heaps of decorations. My rooms look like a prison in comparison. How could I expect a girl like her to give everything up to see the world with me?
She doesn’t have to do that. She’s better off without me.
But she’s given me a gift; she’s given me my dream back. Even if I’ve blown it with the woman I’ve fallen in love with, I’m not going to waste the lessons she’s taught me.
My story doesn’t end here. I’m leaving Gili Telu and I’m sailing around the world.