Chapter 4 - Current Version
Saturday felt illegal.
Not morally.
Operationally.
I woke up at seven and immediately thought of six things I could do before lunch.
Check supplier prices.
Prepare Monday materials.
Fix product listings.
Research the printer.
Recalculate packaging costs.
Make another spreadsheet.
I stared at the ceiling.
"No."
The business would survive until Monday.
Probably.
I reached for my phone anyway.
No urgent messages.
One customer asking if we made mugs.
One supplier sending a price list.
My part-time assistant saying:
Good morning po Ma'am, Monday po ako 9am.
Fine.
Nothing was on fire.
I put the phone down.
Then picked it up again.
Just to check the time.
Definitely just the time.
At breakfast, Mama looked at me.
"Lalabas ka mamaya?"
"Yeah."
"Kala Chloe?"
"Maybe. Sabi nung friend ko yayain daw."
"Tagal mo na rin hindi nakikita."
"Yeah."
Sofia looked up from her phone.
"Si Ate Chloe?"
"Yes."
"Nice."
That was all.
Then she continued eating.
Mama asked—
"Si Jane?"
I paused for approximately half a second.
Sofia noticed.
Of course she did.
Mama didn't.
"Hindi ko alam."
"Hindi kasama?"
"I don't think so."
"Akala ko tatlo kayo lagi dati."
"High school."
"Eh ngayon?"
"May buhay na kami, Ma."
Mama laughed.
"Parang matanda."
Technically—
I was.
Very.
I ate my egg.
Sofia was still looking at her phone.
But I caught the tiny movement of her eyes.
Me.
Then back down.
Smart girl.
She knew.
She had known for years.
And unlike everyone else—
she knew how to mind her business.
Beautiful.
I left home around eleven-thirty.
Mama's final instructions followed me to the door.
"Payong."
"Yes."
"Power bank."
"Yes."
"Tubig."
"Ma, pupunta lang ako mall."
"Eh di wag ka uminom."
"I have water."
"Anong oras uwi?"
"Hindi ko alam."
"Text."
"Yes."
Papa was at work.
Ate Bianca had messaged in the family chat about a jewelry supplier.
Kuya Nathan was apparently dealing with a delayed food delivery.
Sofia was staying home.
Normal Saturday.
Normal family.
Normal twenty-three-year-old life.
Except I had already died once.
Minor detail.
I got there first.
Again.
Apparently dying had fixed my punctuality.
I sat outside the restaurant and checked my phone.
Our friend:
5 mins
Which meant fifteen.
Chloe:
parking
Which could mean anything.
Then—
"Uy."
I looked up.
Chloe.
Same face.
Younger than the version I remembered later.
But Chloe.
Still Chloe.
Same eyes.
Those fucking eyes.
She stopped in front of me.
Looked me up and down.
Then—
"Wow."
I frowned.
"What?"
"Buhay ka."
I laughed.
"Fuck you."
"Tagal mong nawala."
"I chat."
"Chat is not presence."
I stared.
"That was annoyingly wise."
"Thank you."
She sat across from me.
Then kept looking.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"No. What?"
"Parang iba ka."
My spine went slightly rigid.
"Different how?"
She shrugged.
"Ewan."
Very helpful.
"You look the same."
"I should hope so."
"Pero parang..."
She narrowed her eyes.
I waited.
Then—
"Parang hindi ka nagmamadali."
I blinked.
That—
was not where I expected this to go.
"I am sitting."
"Exactly."
"What does that mean?"
"Dati kahit nakaupo ka, parang paalis ka na."
I stared at her.
Chloe picked up the menu.
"Anyway, gutom ako."
Of course.
She had just accidentally described my entire first life and then moved on to lunch.
Very Chloe.
Our friend arrived twelve minutes later.
Immediately—
"Wow, complete attendance."
"Hindi complete," Chloe said.
Our friend looked around.
"Si Jane?"
Chloe shrugged.
"Hindi ko inaya."
I looked at her.
"Why?"
She looked at me.
Then smiled slightly.
There.
Eyes.
"What?"
"Wala."
"Chloe."
"Hindi ko lang inaya."
Our friend laughed.
"Akala ko dati package deal kayo."
"Grade Eleven pa yun," I said.
"Hanggang ngayon naman."
"Hindi nga kami nagkikita."
"Chat-chat."
"Exactly."
Chloe looked at me.
"Last time mo nakita si Jane?"
I thought.
Pink cake.
Age twenty-two.
Just us.
Catching up.
Then I had gone back to work and apparently vanished from physical society.
"Last year."
Our friend stared.
"Last year?"
"Yeah."
"Grabe."
"I've been busy."
Chloe made a face.
"There."
"What?"
"Busy."
I sighed.
"Don't."
She laughed.
"Wala akong sinasabi."
"Your face is saying enough."
"May eyes lang ako."
There she was.
We ordered.
I got something simple.
Chloe stole fries before her own food even arrived.
I slapped her hand.
"Buy your own."
"I did."
"Then wait."
"I'm hungry."
"Not my problem."
She took another.
I stared.
Our friend laughed.
"Walang nagbago."
I paused.
No.
Some things hadn't.
That felt—
nice.
Conversation moved easily after that.
Work.
School.
People we hadn't seen.
Old classmates.
Who got married too early.
Who had babies.
Who disappeared abroad.
Who suddenly sold insurance.
Who had become gym people.
Who was still exactly the same.
Then they asked about me.
"So kumusta business?" our friend asked.
"Okay."
Chloe looked at me.
"Okay lang?"
"Growing."
"Printing pa rin?"
"Printing, customized stuff. Notebooks. Invitations. Certificates. Labels. Whatever pays."
"Very inspiring."
"Thank you."
Chloe laughed.
"May employee ka na?"
"One part-time."
Both of them stopped.
Our friend:
"Employee?"
Chloe:
"Actual?"
"Yes."
"Wow."
"Why is everyone shocked?"
Chloe looked offended.
"Because dati gusto mo ikaw lahat."
"That is not—"
I stopped.
It was absolutely true.
"Fine."
Our friend smiled.
"CEO na."
"CEO ng kwarto."
Chloe laughed.
"Accurate."
"Shut up."
Then our friend casually said—
"Si Jane nagtuturo na ba?"
I looked up.
"Not yet, I think."
Chloe nodded.
"Applications. May mga school na tinitingnan."
"How do you know?" our friend asked.
"Chat."
Of course.
Chloe knew everyone's life.
I knew too.
Mostly.
Jane and I still chatted.
Randomly.
Not daily.
Sometimes she'd send something.
Sometimes I'd reply hours later.
Sometimes days.
Sometimes I sent a photo of food.
She sent school complaints.
Birthday greetings.
Occasional life updates.
Enough to say we hadn't lost each other.
Not enough to say I had really been there.
Our friend looked at me.
"Hindi na kayo nag-uusap?"
"We do."
"Ah."
Then that look.
Not romantic.
Just old-school curiosity.
Everybody had known I liked Jane back then.
Not because Jane told them.
She didn't.
I had simply not been subtle enough.
And I had confessed.
More than once.
No great mystery.
Eventually Jane had told me, gently:
Ayokong mawala friendship natin. Friends lang talaga kaya kong ibigay.
Painful.
Clear.
Survivable.
I accepted it.
And we stayed.
That was the important part.
I looked down at my food.
Current Jane.
Current life.
Nothing needed fixing.
After lunch, we walked around.
No purpose.
Chloe wanted coffee.
Our friend wanted dessert.
I wanted neither.
I got both.
Peer pressure remained a powerful economic force.
At one point, Chloe stopped beside a store display.
"Uy."
"What?"
"Bagay sayo."
She held up a shirt.
I looked.
"No."
"Why?"
"Not my style."
"Dati gusto mo ganyan."
I paused.
Forty-five-year-old me had completely different clothes.
Twenty-three-year-old me—
she was right.
I used to like that.
Did I still?
I stared.
"Maybe."
Chloe narrowed her eyes again.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"Stop studying me."
"I'm not."
"You are."
She smiled.
"I have eyes."
"Unfortunately."
We ended up sitting somewhere with drinks.
Our friend had gone to the restroom.
Chloe leaned back.
"So."
"No."
She laughed.
"Wala pa nga."
"I know your so."
"Kamusta ka talaga?"
I looked at her.
Okay.
Not a joke.
I took a sip.
"Fine."
"Busy?"
"Less."
"By choice?"
"Trying."
She nodded.
No dramatic response.
Then—
"Good."
Again.
That word.
I looked away.
"I've been getting that a lot."
"Maybe because dati hindi ka marunong huminto."
"I'm twenty-three."
"Exactly."
I laughed.
Fair.
Chloe studied me for a second.
Then—
"Basta wag ka mawala ulit."
That hit harder than it should have.
"Yeah."
She looked at me.
"Yeah meaning?"
"I won't."
Not true.
I couldn't promise that.
Apparently I could die again.
Reset again.
Disappear in ways none of them would understand.
I corrected—
"I'll try."
Chloe nodded.
"Better."
Then immediately reached for my drink.
I slapped her hand.
"Buy your own."
"I finished mine."
"Again, not my problem."
Normal emotional transition.
Perfect.
By late afternoon, we separated.
No huge goodbye.
Just—
"Next time ulit."
"Chat."
"Send pics."
"Text pag home."
Simple.
I got home before six.
Mama was in the kitchen.
"O?"
"O what?"
"Masaya?"
"Yeah."
"Si Chloe?"
"Same."
"Madaldal pa rin?"
"Very."
Mama laughed.
"Si Jane?"
I took off my shoes.
"Wala."
"Ah."
Nothing else.
No hidden meaning.
Just checking.
Sofia walked past carrying water.
"Hi."
"Hi."
"Masaya?"
"Yeah."
"Good."
Then her eyes flicked to me.
One second.
Maybe she was checking whether Jane had been there.
Maybe not.
She didn't ask.
Smart girl.
Papa came home a little after six-thirty.
I did mano.
He asked where I'd gone.
"Friends."
"High school?"
"Yeah."
"Good."
Then—
"May dala kang food?"
I stared.
"No."
Papa looked disappointed.
I laughed.
"Sorry."
"Next time."
Apparently that was the real family concern.
That night, I checked my messages.
Supplier.
Customer.
Assistant.
Nothing urgent.
Then a notification appeared.
Jane.
I froze.
Not because her name was unusual.
We had a chat history.
Years of it.
Photos.
Birthday greetings.
Random complaints.
Old jokes.
The pink cake from last year.
No mystery.
But I hadn't actually seen her in almost a year.
Her message:
Uy. Sabi ni Chloe nagkita-kita daw kayo today.
I smiled.
Of course Chloe told her.
I typed:
Yeah. Ninakawan niya ako ng fries.
Jane replied quickly.
Sounds like Chloe.
I laughed.
Then:
Kamusta kayo?
Okay naman. Ikaw?
I stared at the message.
Simple question.
Old friend.
Nothing dangerous.
Still—
my forty-five-year-old brain carried an entire additional life in which Jane had continued existing after twenty-three.
Different jobs.
Different years.
Different versions of us.
I knew things current Jane hadn't lived yet.
That mattered.
I could not treat her like the accumulated Jane in my head.
She was twenty-three.
Exactly once.
For now.
I opened my notebook.
New rule.
26. KNOWING A VERSION OF SOMEONE DOESN'T MEAN I KNOW THIS ONE YET.
Underneath:
Let people become themselves.
I stared.
Then looked back at Jane's message.
Ikaw?
I typed:
Okay lang din. Busy pero buhay pa naman.
Sent.
Immediately regretted the wording.
Fuck.
Jane:
Buti naman ??
Then:
Tagal mo na namang hindi nagpapakita.
I paused.
There it was.
Not accusation.
Not drama.
Just fact.
I typed:
I know.
Three dots.
Work?
Yeah.
Then, before I could leave it there—
I added:
Trying not to disappear into it again.
Jane replied:
Good.
Of course.
Everyone had apparently joined the same union.
Then:
Kita naman minsan.
I stared at that.
We had said versions of that for years.
Minsan.
Pag free.
Soon.
Then months disappeared.
This time—
I typed:
Sige.
Jane:
Wow
I laughed.
Ano
Pumapayag ka na lumabas? ??
Apparently.
Miracle
Shut up
Jane:
HAHAHAHA
Then a few seconds later—
How are you talaga?
I leaned back.
Same question Chloe had asked.
Maybe people had noticed my absence more than I thought.
Maybe disappearing into work didn't only cost me time.
It left holes in other people's lives too.
I stared at the screen.
Then answered honestly enough.
Okay. Trying to be less stupid about work.
Jane:
Finally
I laughed.
Grabe support
Truth lang
There it was.
Old rhythm.
Not gone.
Just dusty.
I typed:
Ikaw? How are you?
And this time—
I meant to stay long enough to hear the answer.