Chapter 40 - A Choice, Properly
Two.
I hated that there were two.
Not because dating two women was inherently bad.
Everyone knew.
Everyone consented.
Nobody had been promised exclusivity.
The problem was—
I was no longer casually gathering information.
There was enough information.
Too much, actually.
At some point, continuing to collect data became another way of avoiding a decision.
I knew that trick.
I'd used it in business.
Research.
Review.
Another meeting.
Another spreadsheet.
Another month.
Until someone finally asked—
Are we deciding or are we hiding?
Fuck.
Tori asked me out Tuesday.
Celeste already had Friday.
Of course.
Apparently my romantic life still operated on recurring calendar slots.
I hated that observation immediately.
Tuesday was Tori's fifth date.
I knew because I counted.
Then hated myself for counting.
Then counted again to make sure.
Five.
Good.
No spreadsheet required.
She chose dinner.
Nothing elaborate.
By then, we'd stopped trying to prove dates were dates.
No—
no Julia.
No—
romantic intent confirmed.
We knew.
That was somehow more serious.
Tori was talking about a new project at work when she stopped mid-sentence.
I looked at her.
"What?"
She smiled slightly.
"You're somewhere else."
"No."
"You are."
"I'm listening."
"What did I just say?"
I stared.
Fuck.
Tori laughed.
"Exactly."
"Sorry."
"It's okay."
She took a drink.
Then—
"Celeste?"
Direct hit.
I sighed.
"Partly."
"Okay."
No tension.
No accusation.
That almost made it worse.
I looked at her.
"You don't mind me saying that?"
"You are dating her."
"I know."
"So pretending she doesn't exist would be weird."
Fair.
Then Tori added—
"And if you're thinking seriously about her, I'd rather know."
There.
Again.
No games.
I hated how attractive emotional competence had become.
"I am," I said.
Tori nodded.
"And me?"
I laughed softly.
"You know."
"I do."
"Then why ask?"
"Because I want to hear you say it."
Fuck.
Fair.
"I'm thinking seriously about you."
There.
Tori's expression softened.
Not dramatic.
Just—
good.
We finished dinner.
Then walked.
Hand in hand.
Normal now.
Dangerously normal.
At one point, Tori asked—
"Can I tell you where I am?"
I looked at her.
"Yes."
She stopped walking.
So did I.
"I'm there."
My chest tightened.
"Where?"
"Relationship."
Oh.
Fuck.
Tori kept holding my hand.
"I'm not asking you to answer immediately."
"Okay."
"But I said I'd tell you when I knew."
I remembered.
If I get to a point where I know I want a relationship with you, I'll tell you.
Right.
She had.
Exactly.
"I know now," she said.
There.
No maybe.
No—
getting there.
Just—
know.
I swallowed.
"Exclusive?"
"Yes."
"With me?"
Tori stared.
I sighed.
"Sorry."
"No, I'm impressed you still verify at this stage."
"Occupational damage."
She smiled.
"Yes. With you."
Fuck.
Then—
"I'm not asking you to stop seeing Celeste tonight."
I looked at her.
"But I also can't keep dating you indefinitely knowing I want something different."
There.
Boundary.
Not ultimatum.
Still consequence.
"If you don't want that with me, that's okay."
It would not feel okay.
That was the problem.
"But I need to know eventually."
I nodded.
"That's fair."
"I know."
"Very confident."
"Yes."
I laughed despite myself.
At the pickup point, she kissed me.
Soft.
Then again.
Longer.
Not trying to convince me.
Not trying to leave an impression stronger than Celeste's.
Just Tori.
When we separated, she looked at me.
"Don't choose me because I asked first."
Fuck.
Apparently both women had decided to destroy every bad excuse I might use.
"I won't."
"Good."
There it was.
Friday came too quickly.
Celeste.
Of course.
She knew before I said anything.
Maybe not exactly.
But enough.
We were halfway through dinner when she looked at me and asked—
"Tori asked for exclusivity?"
I froze.
"Jane?"
"No."
"Julia?"
"No."
"Then how—"
"Your face."
Fuck my face.
I nodded.
"Yes."
Celeste looked down.
Not briefly this time.
She stared at her plate for several seconds.
Then nodded once.
"Okay."
Her voice sounded normal.
Almost.
I hated that word now.
"You're okay?"
She swallowed.
Then looked at me.
"No."
Immediate.
Honest.
And this time—
her eyes were already starting to shine.
Fuck.
My chest tightened.
Celeste looked away again.
"I'm not angry."
"Okay."
"I knew this was possible."
Her voice caught slightly on the last word.
Tiny.
But I heard it.
She took a breath.
Then laughed quietly at herself.
"Sorry."
"Don't apologize."
"I'm not apologizing."
"You literally said sorry."
"Reflex."
I almost smiled.
Couldn't.
She picked up her glass.
Didn't drink.
Put it back down.
Then—
"Do you want to say yes?"
There.
No calibrated scale.
No clever answer.
Just—
truth.
I looked at her.
And suddenly I wished the truth were different.
Not because I wanted to change my choice.
Because I knew what the answer was going to do to her.
"I think I do."
Celeste went completely still.
For several seconds—
nothing.
Then she nodded.
Once.
Twice.
Like she was processing information in pieces because the whole thing wouldn't fit at once.
"Okay."
Her voice broke.
Just slightly.
And that was worse than if she'd cried immediately.
She looked down.
Pressed her lips together.
Then breathed out through her nose.
I watched her blink rapidly.
Fuck.
"Celeste—"
"Wait."
I stopped.
She lifted one hand.
Not angry.
Just—
give me a second.
So I did.
She stared somewhere past me.
Then finally—
"I really thought it might be me."
There.
Quiet.
No accusation.
And something inside my chest cracked.
Celeste laughed once.
It sounded terrible.
"I know that's stupid."
"It's not."
"I know we weren't exclusive."
"It's still not stupid."
"I know you were dating other people."
"I know."
"I agreed to this."
"Celeste."
"I know."
Her eyes finally spilled over.
One tear.
She wiped it away immediately.
Then another came anyway.
Fuck.
"I'm not blaming you," she said.
"I know."
"I'm really not."
"I know."
"I just—"
She stopped.
Looked down.
Tried again.
"We finally did it properly."
Oh.
Fuck.
There it was.
College.
Almost.
Everything we hadn't done then.
Celeste laughed weakly.
"We finally went on actual dates."
I said nothing.
"You held my hand."
My throat tightened.
"You kissed me back."
Fuck.
"I told you what I wanted."
"I know."
"And you didn't run."
"No."
Her eyes met mine.
Red now.
Wet.
"And for a little while, I thought—"
She stopped.
Her face crumpled for half a second before she controlled it again.
But I saw it.
"I thought maybe this time it would actually be us."
Fuck.
I reached across the table instinctively.
Then stopped.
Didn't know whether I was allowed.
Celeste noticed.
That somehow made her cry harder.
Not dramatically.
No sobbing.
Just tears she clearly did not want and couldn't completely stop.
She wiped her cheek.
"God, nakakahiya."
"No."
"It is."
"It really isn't."
"I wore good makeup."
That got a broken laugh out of me.
Celeste laughed too.
Then immediately cried again.
Jesus Christ.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
She shook her head.
"Don't."
"I am."
"I know."
Her voice softened.
"But don't make me comfort you because you rejected me."
I froze.
Then laughed despite the pain.
"Fair."
"Very unfair division of labor."
"Extremely."
She wiped her face again.
Still Celeste.
Even crying.
Still Celeste.
We sat there.
No one dramatically left.
No drink in my face.
No villain.
No betrayal.
Just a woman who had wanted me—
really wanted me—
finding out I wanted someone else a little more.
Apparently that could hurt enough on its own.
Eventually, Celeste looked at me again.
"You really like her."
"Yes."
Fresh hurt crossed her face.
I hated myself for noticing.
Then she nodded.
"And you really like me."
"Yes."
"That's the annoying part."
My eyes burned now too.
"Yeah."
She gave a small, bitter laugh.
"If you didn't like me, this would actually be easier."
"I know."
"If the dates were bad."
"I know."
"If we kissed and it sucked."
Despite everything, I laughed.
"It didn't."
"I KNOW."
That came out louder than she intended.
She covered her face.
I laughed again.
So did she.
Crying and laughing at the same time.
Terrible.
Very us.
Then she lowered her hands.
"Do you want me enough to choose me instead?"
There.
No cruelty.
No manipulation.
Just the actual question.
And now I knew exactly how much the answer would cost.
I couldn't hide behind—
I like both.
She deserved better.
I thought about her.
College.
Flowers.
The second flower after Chemistry.
Almost.
Mara.
Years.
Then this life.
Dinner.
Holding hands.
Her hand at my waist.
Long kisses.
That stupid—
miss me?
Her saying—
I am not casual about you anymore.
I want you, Lia.
I don't want you because I won. I want you because you chose me.
Fuck.
I loved being with Celeste.
Not love.
Not yet.
But maybe—
given enough time—
I could have.
That realization made everything worse.
Because this was not choosing Tori over something doomed.
Celeste and I could have worked.
Maybe beautifully.
And I was still choosing differently.
I looked at her.
"No."
There.
Small word.
Terrible word.
Celeste's face changed immediately.
She had known.
Still—
hearing it was different.
She looked away.
Pressed one hand against her mouth.
And cried.
Actually cried this time.
Quietly.
Shoulders shaking once.
Then again.
Fuck.
I wanted to take it back.
Not the choice.
The pain.
Impossible.
"I'm sorry."
Celeste shook her head without looking at me.
I stayed still.
Waited.
Eventually, she took a breath.
Then another.
When she finally looked at me again, her makeup wasn't ruined.
Mostly.
Her eyes were.
"Okay," she whispered.
No.
Not okay.
But accepted.