CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE #2
334If you can bear it, I would beseech you to permit me a few minutes of your time to make this clumsy explanation in person, for words upon paper are so inadequate, and that you might find it in your heart to dismiss me with forgiveness. Giles Godmanchester would, I know, convey any message.
I remain,
Your eternally devoted servant,
Lucius Radstock
His hand trembled at the signature. He looked at it, as if surprised, and then clasped his hands together before him on the desk to steady them. He read the letter through, and sealed it, aware that his future lay in its reception.
The post was brought as the ladies finished breakfast, for Helen Godmanchester was thankfully past the weeks of sickness and some mornings felt well enough to enjoy tea and toast with her friend.
The butler brought in a tray with several missives upon it, and presented one to Elizabeth, who thanked him, expecting it to be from Amelia or her aunt.
The hand was unknown to her, and she frowned.
Lady Godmanchester, who did recognise the writing, smiled innocently.
‘I hope the letter is good news, Elizabeth?’
‘Good? I … Helen, do you know this writing?’ She held the letter, unopened.
‘Why yes. It is Lucius’s writing. I am very pleased. It is about time he screwed up his courage and wrote you an apology.’ Her ladyship sounded very calm and matter-of-fact.
335‘Screwed up his … I won’t read it.’ Elizabeth flushed, wishing her pulse had not increased with the thought that he might be afraid to write to her, and trying to be resolute.
‘Is that fair, to either of you, my dear? Whatever lies between you, is it not right that you let him at least apologise, explain—’
‘Explain? There can be no explanation, nor excuse.’ She closed her eyes. ‘Oh, Helen, he has made me so miserable.’
Her friend leant over and took her hand. ‘Are you not also making yourself miserable, Elizabeth? At least read what he has to say. It might make things easier.’
Elizabeth wavered. Then, with fingers trembling as much as those that had sealed it, she opened the letter.
She read in silence, and only by the ebb and flow of colour and the biting of her lip could Helen Godmanchester assess her emotional turmoil.
Mastering her curiosity, that lady kept silent.
After a few minutes, Elizabeth laid the letter upon the table.
She said nothing, but her bosom rose and fell swiftly in her agitation.
‘I can’t. I must not. If I do …’ she murmured, more to herself than her hostess.
‘Not do what, Elizabeth?’
‘Not meet him. If I do, I will be weak.’ She saw her friend’s perplexed frown. ‘I will let him persuade me with soft looks and kind words, and he will break my heart.’
‘Forgive me, my dear friend, but is your heart not broken now, here? Could he not mend it? If he loves you?’
‘Men do not love.’
‘You are wrong.’ Lady Godmanchester shook her head, confident in her knowledge.
‘Men do love, and their love is 336worth a great price if won. If Lucius Radstock has written you a letter that makes you even think of meeting him, then it is he who is opening himself up to be hurt. Can you not see that?’ Her voice was very gentle.
‘Do you not love him, Elizabeth? Is that not why you have been so low?’
Elizabeth turned to her friend, laid her head upon her shoulder and wept.
It was not to be expected that their meeting would be easy. Sir Lucius arrived at Thornby Park, grim-faced, and his friend thought him rather haggard. Elizabeth was, thankfully, out in the grounds with Lady Godmanchester when he shook his host’s hand and was invited into the house.
‘How is she?’
It was the question that had burnt within Lucius Radstock every mile of the journey, and took precedence over polite platitudes. Lord Godmanchester did not, for a moment, think his friend was asking after his wife’s health.
‘Quiet. Not at ease, I can tell you that much, even less so since your letter. Helen will not reveal all that they speak of, for there are things between women that are not for even a husband’s ears.
’ He paused. ‘I can only say that if she has been this miserable over a breach between you, surely it must indicate that she has deep feelings for you. Anyway, come along in and clean the travel stains from yourself. Helen and Elizabeth are promenading slowly about the rose garden, I believe, and will be back shortly.’
Sir Lucius did as he was bid, presenting himself in the morning room some twenty minutes later.
Lady 337Godmanchester looked to be blooming.
He smiled, and complimented her upon it, and then turned to Elizabeth.
The contrast was almost shocking. She was pale, and there were dark shadows beneath her eyes.
He had never seen her look less beautiful, and never wanted so much to look after her, drive away her miseries.
The formalities meant nothing; he spoke, she answered.
Lady Godmanchester smiled upon them and, with a complete disregard for social niceties, declared that since they had things to say to each other, she would go and see if little George had run Nurse ragged, as he had been threatening to do after breakfast.
The door closed, and they were left facing each other. Elizabeth was white-faced; he thought she looked haunted. She indicated a chair and invited him to sit, coldly, politely, as if they were mere acquaintances.
‘No, I thank you. I … How is your hand?’ He sounded calm, though his heart was racing.
Elizabeth remained standing also, as if to be seated put her at a disadvantage. ‘Healing, thank you.’
There was an awkward pause.
‘You read my letter.’ It was a fatuous statement, since if she had not read it he would not be standing before her now. ‘Did you, do you, believe what I wrote in it?’
She averted her eyes. ‘I do not see that it is very important, whether I do so or not, Sir Lucius.’ Her voice was flat.
He took two strides towards her, and she stiffened as he held out his hand. He let it fall.
‘It is, of all things, the most important to me. Whatever you feel, you must know the truth, know that whatever 338hurt I did you was not intended. I regretted it even as I said it, made efforts to disguise it, retract it. I was stupid, thoughtless, chagrined, call it what you will, but …’
‘It is best forgotten, sir, so we will not mention it again. Indeed, there should be no reason for us to meet, since I do not intend to visit London in the future. You have confirmed to yourself that I have accepted your apology, though travelling all this way seems rather a waste of your time—’ She heard her own voice as if it were another’s.
‘You know that was not the main reason.’
‘—and effort.’ She ignored his interjection. ‘Let us shake hands, and part without bad feeling between us.’
She held out her hand and he took it, not to shake it, but rather to turn it, palm uppermost, so he could see the short, still livid scar. Before she could close her fingers or snatch the hand away, he bent and kissed it, very softly, and then straightened to look her in the eyes.
‘Elizabeth. At Lady Jersey’s … it was the wrong time, the wrong place, the wrong words, even.
I took you by surprise. That your anger, your revulsion even, led to you being hurt …
I blame myself, and it weighs heavily upon me.
You know why I had to come and see you today.
What I said that night I meant, though it came out so badly.
Before I was traduced to you, I thought perhaps you were not without some feeling towards me, that my offer might not be, despite your demeanour to almost every man in London, unwelcome to you.
I do not make it upon a whim, or out of guilt, but because I love you.
I love you and cannot imagine ever being happy again without you.
’ His grip tightened; his voice dropped.
339‘I am not a man who has simply decided it was time I settled down and set up my nursery, and picked the likeliest filly up to my weight, among those trotted out for inspection. Yes, you may look shocked, but that it how it has always seemed to me. Every Season the matchmaking mamas bring out their young stock, and parade them as if it were Tattersall’s ring.
Well, I am happy to pick horseflesh that way, but not a wife.
I knew there would have to be more, but had never found it, until you, until I saw you out riding.
When we were introduced, when we danced together, you were just a beautiful woman with some unexplained dislike of my sex, but in the fresh air, especially upon a horse worthy of you, you were a different person.
You were open and vibrant, unafraid, admirable, and that admiration became adoration, became love.
You built a wall about you, to protect yourself, and if I cannot break it down, then I am willing to scale its heights and live within it with you.
I would be your protection. I am asking you to marry me, Elizabeth, because you mean more to me than anything in this world. ’
She stared him, not angry this time, not revolted, but confused. She tried to pull her hand away, but half-heartedly, and he did not free it.
‘No, please, it isn’t fair.’ Her voice was barely above a whisper, and there was a catch in it. ‘You don’t mean it. They never do.’
‘They?’ he queried, but she ignored him, talking half to herself.
‘You let down your guard, you trust, you offer your heart, and ultimately a man will drop it into the dust and 340walk away, sooner or later. Please, not again.’ She blinked at him, her eyes misting, and frowned as if she had forgotten he was there for a moment. ‘I could not bear it again.’
‘I will not let you down. I love you.’
‘Ah, no. That is the lie. I shall not be deceived, must not let myself be deceived, a third time.’
‘A third time, Elizabeth?’ If she was recalling Freshford, he understood, but he had no knowledge of any suitor since.