48. Forty-Eight #2
“Hello…” I whisper, too quietly, hiding my true intentions to be seen, to be found, to be held and never let go. Despite my terror at confronting him, it’s inevitable.
I walk up the stairs leading to a hallway of bedrooms, and music filters in, pulling me to him. My entire body vibrates and shakes with each step, as I feel his presence in every fiber of my being.
The song “Fall in Love” plays through the bedroom, the song reminding me of his arms holding me in my house as we slowly danced to it… my very first glimpse into his beautiful soul that embedded itself to mine.
When I step to the threshold, the sight takes my breath away.
Long white curtains blow out in the room, it billows toward me like reaching hands, and between their movements I catch fragments of him—the dark lines of ink across his back, the way his head bows forward as if the weight of it all is too much, sitting in the middle of the floor, a whiskey in hand, his voice cracking through the lyrics.
One second it’s a blessing,
And the next it’s already gone.
A broken heart, I’m a walking testimony.
My confession is a lesson,
That I’m pouring out in this song.
You don’t want to fall in love.
I gasp, holding my breath. The sound escapes me before I can stop it, and his body goes rigid. He doesn’t turn around immediately. The glass freezes halfway to his lips, and I watch the muscles in his back tense one by one, like a wave of recognition traveling through his body.
My heart hammers so violently that I’m certain he must hear it over the music. “Sara.”
When he finally turns, his blue eyes are bloodshot, rimmed with exhaustion. He looks destroyed and so beautifully handsome all at once.
“What are you doing here?” he asks, his eyes turning dark in an instant, making my presence feel as if I’ve overstepped.
“I’m not sorry for being here, Liam.” I say, my voice strained…
“You have a way of always finding me.” He laughs, laced with pain as he drains his drink. His jaw twitches at the sight of me in the dress he bought.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” He rises to his full height, revealing his torso I've kissed, the taut muscles of his tattooed chest and abdomen glistening under the soft light.
His dark jeans hang low on his hips, accentuating the V of his abs that draws my gaze like a magnet.
I feel a rush of all the moments we shared, the warmth of his embrace, and the way he made me feel alive, leaving me momentarily speechless as my heart races in response to how much I miss him.
“I… I’m as stubborn as you, Liam, and I’m not leaving until one of us gives in.” I stand tall, itching to go to him.
“That doesn’t answer my question.”
“I miss you, Liam...” I take a breath. “I wanted to be brave and ask you to please forgive me. I… it’s been an awful week, and that agony you described, I feel it. It hurts Liam.” I drop my hands to my sides as his unmoved gaze stares back at me.
“Hurts, doesn’t it?” he asks incredulously as he takes a step closer to me.
“Liam… I know you feel this. I know you do. Don’t shut me out. I’m handing my heart to you, because the outcome of not fighting for you is worse than letting you break us apart.”
“It’s already all broken, Sara.”
“Stop it! just stop it. You and I are both barely surviving. Stop pretending you don’t feel this between us.
Can you seriously tell me, to my face, you’ll find a love like this elsewhere?
” He searches my expression as my anger boils.
“Do you think I was eager to leave you to go play hero? I was scared out of my mind!”
“I don’t want a love like this, ever. again.” He grits his teeth, taking one more step closer to me.
“Bullshit!” I sob, scream, my voice cracking. “No, Liam, I don’t believe you. You gave up on me. What you feel for me is too strong, and you can’t bear the courage to love me properly.”
Liam’s eyes widen when I close the distance between us and push at his chest.
“You love me so fucking much it burns you alive, and you’re dragging me into your fire with you. Stop it! You’re hurting me.” I breathe helplessly as I can’t stop the pounding pain in my chest.
“What. are. you. doing. here?” His eyes lower to my lips as he grabs my chin, his chest heaving against mine.
“I came… I came to tell you about the man I can’t live without.” My voice cracks as I continue and whisper, “you.”
“What else, Sara?” His eyes fill with his own tears, his voice shaking. “What else, baby?”
“I came to ask you to let me back in. I belong to you, Liam. I love you—the man that you are, the man that you represent, and the man you will become. I love you for your need to be loved, and I promise to love that man with even more ounces of the soul I am pouring out to you.” I sniff, shaking.
“Please… you are enough, you don’t see yourself like I do.
I need you to see what I see. You’ve asked me to do that for you once, remember? ”
Clinging to his arms, an itching desire to melt into him overwhelms me indescribably.
His gaze pierces mine, his tears roaming his beautiful, haunting face and icy blue eyes. He is torturing himself.
With a shake of his head, he demolishes me as he says with so much pain and doubt, “that man…that man is not there anymore. You deserve the world. You deserve so much more than I can give you. I don’t know how… I’m so fucked up.”
He turns away from me, and I feel my heart shatter. Devastation coursing through my veins like poison, for me and him.
I watch him walk to the king-size bed, his shoulders slumped in defeat as he collapses onto the mattress. His arm drapes across his face, hiding those blue eyes that once looked at me like I was his entire universe but now hide behind his own demons.
I stand frozen for a moment, watching him lie there. He thinks I’ll leave now, walk away and accept that this is over. But he doesn’t understand—I can’t.
“I won’t leave you,” I whisper, my voice barely audible over the music still playing softly in the background.
I move toward the bed, my legs trembling beneath me.
“You can walk away if you need to, Liam,” I say quietly, my voice breaking on his name.
“But I will never leave you. Not again. Never. You’re the only world I want…
you’re not fucked up, your father told you didn’t matter, kicked, beat you, while you stayed strong for everyone else.
If I leave now, I’d be the one kicking you while you’re down, and I won’t. I want you. Just you.”
The sheets rustle beneath me as I inch closer, holding my breath.
I lie beside him, careful not to touch him—the distance between us is more insurmountable than any physical pain I’ve ever known...
My face crumples into my palms as sobs rack my body, uncontrollable and raw, shaking the mattress with each heaving breath.
I can’t stop, I don’t want to stop. Let him hear what he’s done to me and what we’ve done to each other.
His breathing grows heavier beside me, the sound of his inhales becoming ragged, matching the broken rhythm of my cries.
I feel the bed shift slightly, but I keep my face hidden, afraid to look at him, afraid of what I might see—or worse, what I might not.
Then all the air leaves my lungs as I cry out in relief when his arm moves, circling my waist in one gentle motion, pulling me against him.
His chest and his skin against mine are overwhelming and I cling to him like a tilting skyscraper threatening to crumble.
His fingers dig into the fabric of my dress, bunching it desperately as he pulls me impossibly closer, eliminating any space between us.
“Liam...” I gasp, feeling the tremor that runs through his body.
“Fuck, baby... I’m so, so, sorry.” His voice shakes with a cry. “I’m so sorry. I couldn’t be strong enough to risk myself for you. I drowned, too caught up in how it hurts. I’ve never loved anyone like this.” He cups my face with both hands, his thumbs brushing away my tears.
Then he kisses me, desperate and hungry. I wrap my arms around him, my fingers threading through his hair, anchoring him to me as if he might disappear if I let go.
We kiss for what feels like euphoric hours, reliving what makes us inseparable, the pressure of our lips finding that perfect rhythm we’d always had, what was always mine.
My soul recognizes every cell of his body. A part of me feels so upset we had to break apart like this, after everything we’ve been through, but love is messy, torrential, painful, and so beautiful at the same time.
His eyes finally meet mine. “You’re really here?” he asks, pushing my hair away.
“I am, I always will.”
“I crossed the line.” His eyes close in pain, shaking as he wraps his arms tighter around me.
“I can’t even see the line, you crossed it so far…” I smile softly as he breathes out apologies.
His lips find mine again, softer this time but no less desperate. I melt into him, letting my body mold against his. I whimper into his mouth as his hands travel all over my body. Inch by inch, from my breast to my waist, to in between my legs.
“I need you,” I whisper against his lips. “I need all of you.”
His hands slide down my back and pull me up to his lap. I reach to open his jeans with trembling fingers in agonizing seconds, not going quickly enough, as he scrunches my dress to my hips and leaves me breathless when he rips my underwear.
I sit over his hard length, as he thrust inside me and we both scream at the pure bliss. My hands travel up his bare chest, feeling each ridge and plane, tracing the ink that marks his skin, while I’m burning everywhere he touches.