48. Forty-Eight
Forty-Eight
Sara
The smell of warm croissants and the sound of laughter wake me up from a heartbreak that has sunk me deeper than any possible dark hole. Someone asked me who I was without my trauma, and I wish I knew.
It’s been a week that I’ve been back at my mother’s home, and it feels like her home… I’m just passing by reliving memories I don’t want to live through again and moving on to a future I can’t fathom.
When I make my way downstairs, Mom is giggling with who seems to be my new stepfather-to-be. He’s actually been really nice, and seeing my mom happy again, her smile and living again… is beautiful. She’s survived so much, she deserves it.
Liam has taught me to overcome the pain and hurtful words from her that scarred me a lot deeper than I had ever known.
It takes a special someone to see the serenity in the dark paths you had to take to survive, instead of judging you for them.
He saw all of me and loved everything, but I ruined it all and It’s been almost impossible to breathe.
“Honey, you have mail. From Paris University,” my mom says when I stroll down the living room.
“Yes, I know. They accepted me,” I say back with the utmost lack of excitement.
Paris would only be an escape. At least I have one… a dark path I’d take to survive, once more.
I’d live through the hours of each passing day, praying for the pain to numb every offered second.
I would become another passenger staring out of a train window, watching the same scenery blur pass day after day, waiting for when colors might sharpen again.
But how could they when half of me would be missing?
I’d merely be killing time, existing in this borrowed space between breaths, hoping somehow, somewhere, I might find my way back to the only person who ever made me feel complete, to the one whose soul recognized mine across lifetimes.
“Have you thought about—” my mom asks gently, handing a plate of food, but I push it away. “Sara, you’ve barely eaten, please. You look like you’re going to fade away.”
“I’m okay, thank you. No, I haven’t thought about anything yet.”
“Honey, I’m worried.”
“Don’t be. I’ve survived so far, what’s one more, right?” I give her a side smile that’s loaded with lies.
I head back to my room, unable to hold her gaze for too long, hoping sleep can engulf me as I forget how not to cry myself to sleep.
I stared at the blade that had scarred my skin too many times, but I kept my promise to never hurt myself again, to someone who promised me they’d take the pain away for me.
Joe stopped by a few times to check on me, never stayed too long, and my mother hugged him. It stopped my heart for a cathartic minute. Liam won’t answer my calls, and I’ve stood confined between the aches he’s left me with, and respecting his wishes… to never see me again.
When I slip into bed with Liam’s t-shirt, I call Artemis again, but still no answer.
I walked to her house a few days ago, my lost soul finding my way to her but when I turned the corner of her driveway, black smoke came into view, I ran up to have a better look and I saw her standing beneath the massive oak tree that dominates her backyard, her silhouette sharp against the orange flames that leapt from a metal trash can, burning what looked like men’s clothing into the hungry blaze.
Her movements were almost ritualistic as she watched each item curl and turn black.
Damien hovered behind her, his leather jacket reflecting the firelight.
I saw his uncertainty as he reached for her, his hands tentatively moving to encircle her waist like an attempt at comfort, but she violently shoved his hands away, and I saw a glimpse of her enraged, crying face.
I took a step backward. I knew that if there was a time not to interrupt, it would be then.
So, with too much weighing on me, I let sleep soothe me of my living nightmares, just to dream new ones.
In a daze of sleepwalking after waking up from this nap on this sunny bright afternoon while birds sing and I look like I got hit by a heartbreak too powerful to lie there and do nothing about it — I find myself knocking at his door, because after all, something hits me:
Fuck his wishes, fuck his boundaries, and fuck the birds.
With my heart beating up my throat, my hands sweaty, and the undeniable swell I feel under my eyes, I wait.
Joe opens the door, handsome as always, as he finishes a phone call with a kindhearted, “Come over when you’re ready.”
He hangs up and I take him in, his white button-up shirt unbuttoned enough to reveal the smooth bronze planes of his chest, the fabric straining slightly against his broad shoulders when he moves.
His sleeves are rolled up to expose forearms corded with veins as he pushes his golden hair back, highlighting his jawline that is sharp enough to cut glass yet softened by those full lips that mirror Liam’s perfectly.
When his gentle blue eyes meet mine, the crinkles at their corners deepen before melting into concern. I’m broken beyond repair.
“Is Liam here?” I ask, trying my best to keep myself looking strong, but really, I’m a minute away from sinking like the Titanic. Slowly but surely.
“Sara, babe, come in…” He exhales, taking my hand and pulling me inside. He walks me over to the couch, but I break down mid-step. I can’t hold it in. The sight of the house, the scent of Liam, Fiasco running over to me, the familiarity of what was once all mine and a future. Gone.
“Fuck, Sara… I’m so sorry. Come here.” He lifts me up in his arms and carries me to the couch and straddles me on his lap. His white shirt now ruined by my tears.
“Shhh… let it out,” he whispers in my neck, and his lavender cologne hits me deeply, soothing me.
“I miss him so much, Joe… so much. He won’t talk to me. Nothing. Where is he?” I mumble into his chest, a slobbering mess.
“He’s going through it, babe… He’s not talking to me either,” Joe says kissing the top of my head.
“Do you know where he is? Do you think he's moved on?” I ask, my voice shaking, my eyes meeting his.
“He’s not here, but yes, I know where he is…
” Joe pauses, and I exhale, defeated that he’s not revealing more, and that stabs me considerably.
“Sara… do you… do you want to go find him?” He brushes my hair away from my swollen, crying face.
“Because there’s no moving on from you. He didn’t.
I can attest to that.” His eyes lower, a glint of pain that remains between us.
“I… I… yes, please.” I hold his face to my cheek. Joe laces his strong arms around my waist and pulls me closer to his chest. Inhaling me, as if he’s trying to memorize me for one last time.
Our eyes lock, his eyes flicker between love and grief, the blue deepening when they catch my own as our emotions breathe of too many wonderful and agonizing truths that will always link us together.
He kisses my eyelid, and the other until he waits for me to open my eyes back to him. His hand smooths the trembling of my jaw, thumb pausing in the soft place below my cheekbone before traveling to tuck a stray hair behind my ear and kisses me softly. Just a drop from his lips to mine.
“I love you, Sara… I love you so much I’ll lead you right to him, baby.
I know it’s where you belong. He’ll see it for himself, too.
” His forehead drops to mine, and he smiles, clearing his throat.
“Mimi…she’ll be here soon… it might be weird.
It’s hard to explain what will always be between us.
” He kisses my forehead, lingering, breathing heavily.
“Please tell me what we have will always be there… right?” he asks hesitantly, emotions of loss shining through his eyes that hurt my heart.
I cup his face, nodding, tears streaming down face.
“I promise.” And I embrace a deep knowing that he will always be a part of me, and I of him.
“I love you, Joe…” I breathe into him, my lips inches from his, “I… will always love you. I’ll always hold this place for you as my first love.
I didn’t expect to fall in love the way I have with Liam. I…”
“Sara… I know, I fucked up. I broke your heart, I broke you to pieces, but the way he loves you. I can’t get in the middle of that, as much as I would always want to be with you.”
“I’m, so sorry…” I whisper choking back a sob, my mouth grazes his lips in a soft, tender, last kiss.
“Maybe in another life, baby?”
I nod, memorizing his beautiful face, and slowly unwrap myself from his warmth.
“Come on, let’s get you ready. You’re not going dressed like this.” He chuckles and takes my hand to Liam’s bedroom.
“Muchas gracias.” I wave and thank my driver who dropped me off in front of a tall, luxurious building, surrounded by the ocean and the sounds, smells, and magnetism of Marbella in Spain.
Joe had me put on a dress Liam had bought for me, a beautiful ivory-beige dress. The fabric whispered against my skin as I slipped it on. The open back dipping dangerously low, the front clinging in all the places Liam’s hands once did.
Joe set up a private plane, gave me all the entry codes to the building and apartment, and in a few hours, I was here, looking up to where Liam was hiding in his Spanish penthouse. Closer to knowing if I'll convince him to take me back.
I step into the luxurious elevator and put in the code for the penthouse, my heart hammering so hard I feel faint. I look at my reflection, my hair falling to my breast, the ivory making my eyes brighter, less sad and intense.
The elevator’s door open and I gasp when it lands me directly into the beautiful apartment.
The high ceilings, the white and blue decorations, with a huge black round leather couch in the middle of the room.
It has an edge with a luxurious feel. My heels click on the marble floor, and I quietly roam around the room.