Chapter 10 #5
“That thought is a bit contradictory; after all, if we don’t make weapons, how do you think the police or the army will defend themselves?
Besides, guns have always existedin different forms and levels of lethality, but they have always been present in our history; you can’t just want them to end; it’s impossible.
So if you can’t eradicate them, the best thing to do is to keep making them and give people the opportunity to defend themselves. ”
“Who are your clients?”
I look at Henry with my eyebrow arched, and I want to laugh. “I’m not going to give you that information; it’s confidential.”
He nods and whispers an almost inaudible apology.
I wonder what’s going through his head if he thinks I’m so na?ve as to tell illegal details of our business to the son of a supreme court judge, someone who could easily have federal agents after my family.
On the way home, I find myself evaluating Henry, wondering if we could work as a couple; our values are different and would easily clash.
He’s good, really good, so good that he might be able to put my father in jail if he knew about the black market sales; he would condemn those sales.
And I can’t help thinking how he would look at me if he knew the whole truth,if he knew how deeply I was involved with the Camorra, if he knew how involved I was with many other criminal organizations.
When he stops the car to say goodbye, I notice that he’s thinking of kissing me.
Not knowing if that’s what I really want, I rush to plant a kiss on his cheek, getting out of the car with the promise of another date.
I wave to him, watching the car slowly drive away and when it’s far enough away, I walk in the opposite direction, aimlessly, in an attempt to calm the whirlwind of emotions inside me.
I return home at dawn, shoes in hand and completely tired.
I walk in silence and take light steps to my room, trying not to wake the girls.
I get rid of my clothes and take a shower, quickly put on my pajamas, and slide into bed, trying my best to put my ex-fiancé out of my mind .
The worst part is that even in my sleep, I couldn’t get him out of my mind.
I wake up without the courage to get out of bed, without the courage to face reality.
The guys will have left by now, my friends will want to know about the date, and I don’t want to talk about it; I don’t want to say out loud that it wasn’t good enough, that I wished it was someone else across the table.
I pick up my phone and see a missed call from my father; I wonder if Luca told him about my decision to end the engagement, and I know I should have spoken to my father first. I put my phone down and close my eyes tightly, ignoring my responsibilities.
I don’t know how long I can do it, but I want to postpone this conversation as long as possible; I know my father isn’t upset with me, or at least he won’t show it.
The reality is that it’s hard for me to admit that maybe I made the wrong decision.
I hear my bedroom door open, and I keep my eyes closed. “You can stop pretending to be asleep; your brothers have called, andyour mother and father want to talk to you.”
Leticia seemed upset, perhaps because my brothers were making her run errands. “I wasn’t pretending to sleep, just ignoring the situation. They probably want to talk about the engagement being off; Luca or his father must have spoken to my father.”
“You haven’t talked to your parents about it yet?
I try to ignore Leticia’s judgmental gaze, but it becomes a difficult task. Feeling the need to justify myself, I sit down on the bed with a pile of blankets around my waist. It was my decision. My mother didn’t love the idea, and she was right; it was an engagement that beat the records.
“They won’t judge you, and besides, you’ve always had the chance to break it off.”
“I know, but it’s complicated. I feel like I’ve failed.”
Leticia sits down in front of me, gives me a sweet smile, and holds my hand.
“I know it’s hard, especially as your anxiety is probably screaming it in your mind.
But you didn’t fail; it’s a complicated situation, and maybe it’s just not meant to be!
Maybe it had to be this way; after all, it ended because of your date; maybe Henry is… ”
“Henry isn’t the one…” I finish before she can finish her sentence; I look down at my hands and feel her gaze on me. I know she’s waiting for an explanation, but I can’t find the right words. “He’s fantastic, he’s good, really good, but still…”
“It wasn’t the person you wanted there!”
“It just doesn’t feel right… Maybe it’s because it’s the first date…”
“Maybe it’s because it’s not right…”
“I don’t know, I don’t know anything at the moment. Maybe I should try going out with Henry one more time…”
“Maybe you want Luca and don’t want to admit it.”
“I don’t know Luca, I don’t know anything about him. I’ve known Henry for less time, and I’d risk to say that not only do I know him better, I’ve probably spent more time with him. Luca never really cared about me.”
“He agreed to marry you, Chiara; that must mean something.”
“You know what, that’s the worst part about it all; I don’t know if he accepted; his father proposed the marriage, not him, Leticia; I agreed. But I never asked Luca if he’d mind; he might have someone…”
I’d be the trophy wife; a marriage of convenience doesn’t mean love; I could easily be the other within my own marriage. Someone who ruins a love story to take advantage. The ringing of my phone wakes me up from my thoughts; Leticia has it in her hand and grimaces, pushing it toward me.
“It’s your father, you really should get that.”
I wait for her to come out of my room and mentally count to ten, trying to work up the courage to have a conversation I don’t want to have.
“Hi, Dad.”
“Good morning, Principessa; how are you feeling today?”
I’m a bit confused by his greeting. “Well, I guess!”
“It’s good to hear that you’re feeling better; we’re all worried about you!”
“Dad, did you talk to Don Henrico or Luca?”
“No, why should I?”
My head is spinning, and I wonder why Luca hasn’t contacted him; maybe he was waiting for me to tell him myself. I don’t really know him to understand. “I broke off my engagement with Luca last night.” My voice comes out low and unsure.
“What did he do?” Unlike a few seconds ago, my father’s voice isn’t calm and loving; now it sounds cold and deadly.
“I don’t know if this engagement was going to work; to be honest, maybe it was doomed to failure from the start.”
“What did he do, Chiara?”
“He didn’t do anything, Dad; I just can’t stand being followed everywhere, no matter where and with whom. I don’t like being controlled like that, especially by someone I don’t know, who doesn’t want to know me…”
“You always had the option of end it, it’s your decision!”
I feel my eyes water, and I breathe slowly, trying to come to terms with my failure. “I’m sorry to disappoint you.”
“You didn’t amore mio; it’s okay. The only thing that really matters is your happiness. Are you happy now?”
Silent tears stream down my face, and I try to control the urge to sniffle the crying. “I don’t know.”
“Chiara, answer me honestly.”
“No, I’m not happy. To be honest, I don’t know what would make me happy now.”
“Do you want to come home?”
“I don’t think it would change anything, maybe it would even worse.”
“What do you want? You can say it, anything; I’ll give you the world.”
“I really don’t know, I just don’t know…”
I hear my father sigh, perhaps out of frustration; I know he would do anything to see me happy, but the thing about happiness is that it can’t be bought. At least mine couldn’t. Dad says goodbye, saying that he would do anything for me; anything I want would be mine.
I lie in bed, look at my own constellation, and feel a little at peace. I hear someone knocking on the door, and I find it strangebecause girls never knock; I ignore that fact.
“Come in!” I remain lying on my bed, looking up at the stars, without looking away to the person who is slowly approaching my bed.
“It’s really amazing how even in your pajamas and just waking up you can look stunning.”
I immediately sit up in bed, a little shocked to see Henry in my room, leaning against my dressing table, with a smile on his face and a bunch of wild flowers in his hand. “What, how…”
“I decided to visit you; don’t ask me why; I think I simply wanted to see you. Leticia let me in.”
I nod, still a little confused by his presence. I think I should go and change.
“I’ll give you space to do it; I’ll wait in the living room…” Henry heads for the exit, but when he opens the door, he quickly returns to me and hands me the flowers that were in his hands, with a contagious smile on his face. I saw them in the street and thought you’d like them.
“Thank you, they’re beautiful!”
He gives me a giant smile and leaves the room, leaving me there with a large bouquet in my hands.
I leave it on my vanity and head for the closet, putting on a comfortable dress and putting my hair up in a high ponytail.
I leave the room with the flowers in my hand and hear loud laughter coming from the living room.
I stop at the door of the room, where they can’t see me, and watch my friends talking and laughing with Henry, thinking about how they’ve never done that when Luca was around that week.
I shake my head, trying to get these thoughts out of my head.
I walk into the living room, and people look at me; Aurora and Leticia smirk, looking at the flowers.
I go into the kitchen to put the flowers in water and see the way the three of them interact, looking like they’ve been friends for years, and I find myself wishing I could fall in love with Henry, with someone who’s easy to deal with and get along with, someone who’s easy to like and talk to, someone who’s smiling and loving.