Chapter 11 #2
“When you find something good in the midst of chaos, you have to grab it with all your strength!” The words come out of my mouth without realizing it. My grandfather used to say them all the time when he talked about my grandmother.
“Maybe we’ve found something to hold on to!”
“Where is the cold killer I met?”
My words seem to change his face, but despite what I think, he doesn’t push me away.
I can feel his breath mixing with mine, and I’d like to kiss him.
“Many men in our world don’t make a barrier between violence at work and at home; I’m not one of them.
I know who to kill and who to protect; I would never treat you badly; I know the power I hold.
I don’t need to hurt my fiancée to prove it. ”
“I’m not your fiancée anymore…” The words drag on my lips, and nothing has ever seemed so wrong.
“This time, I’m going to do it the right way.” I look at him, confused, and see his hand pull something out of his blazer pocket. “Will you marry me, Chiara?”
My breath gets stuck, and my heart feels like it wants to burst out of my ribcage; Luca looks at me, waiting for an answer, and I feel my foolish heart falling more in love with him every second.
A white gold ring with a large oval diamond is laid out in front of me.
It has a “halo” around the main diamond, with lots of small diamonds forming three loops, growing in size with each loop. It isa really beautiful piece.
“Luca, but if…”
“No, “buts,” or “ifs,” Chiara. Let’s just live and leave the worries for the future. You don’t have to accept it; you know that. If that’s not what you want, tell me, and I’ll never insist again…”
He won’t insist anymore; he’ll leave me behind, turning me into a memory. One day, he may not remember me, or he may simply think I’m the one who got away. Looking at him now, feeling my heart beat so hard, I know I can’t let him be the one who got away.
“Yes, yes, I’ll marry you!” the words jump out without me thinking about the consequences of my actions.
But his eyes are still on me, and he’s close, so close that his breath hits my face.
All I can see and think about is Luca. I feel trapped; his eyes don’t leave mine, and his hand is on my waist, and I don’t care. I like him close.
“Are you sure?” he asks, his eyes resting on my lips.
“I thought you said no “buts” or “if”…”
Luca doesn’t answer me,and before I have time to think, his lips are glued to mine. I feel a small smile appear on my lips, and Luca takes the opportunity to explore my mouth with his tongue for the first time in my life; I feel wanted.
I look into his eyes, and I know I’m lost, completely in love with a man who will always put the mafia first; I feel like I’m falling into an abyss with no way back.
I fell in love with this manwithout really knowing him, and now, with him here so close to me, when he seems to be fighting for me, I know I’ve lost the war, that even if I tried, I won’t be able to get him out of my life.
“A million euros for your thoughts!” I look at Luca, who is still so close to me, closer than he’s ever been.
“They’re not that valuable!” a hoarse laugh comes from deep in his throat; Luca takes a step away from me and analyzes my face.
“You really don’t understand your worth. Everything about you is valuable.” Luca takes my hand and calmly and carefully slides the ring onto my finger, leaving a kiss on it before his eyes meet mine again.
“I don’t know if this ring is really suitable for an eighteen-year-old college student!”
Luca looks at me seriously, and I wish I hadn’t said those words out loud; it’s strange to be eighteen and engaged inan arranged marriage.
A clear reference to medieval times, where women were promised for economic gain.
Like many women before me, I’m entering a world I don’t know, something completely different from what I’ve experienced before a world with its own rules and traditions.
A world where I cannot allow myself to fail; I can’t let them see my cracks; otherwise, they’ll break me.
I can’t break; I can’t let it happen, for me and for him.
“No one will ever get close. They won’t be able to comment or criticize.”
I look at the beautiful ring on my finger, and then I realize that, unlike many engagement rings, this one doesn’t symbolize love. It symbolizes possession. A mark… that’s what this ring is…
Luca remains serious and unperturbed. “You don’t have to wear it, at least not here.” I look at my ring and at Luca; we’re betrothed, for good this time, and my finger bears the weight of my decision. I can’t go back, not anymore, not again.
When Luca leaves the room to talk to his soldiers, my eyes turn to that ring, big and heavy. My phone is resting on my leg, and I hear the annoying noise of the call being made.
“Hi, Princepessa!” Her voice sounds tired and alert.
“Mom, I…”
“Your father told me that you broke off the engagement. To be honest, I was waiting for you to call me…”
I don’t let her finish talking. My eyes are still glued to the ring, and I don’t know what my mother will think. “Luca was here… He’s actually here in London. He was here at the house…”
“Did he bother you? I’ll call your father. We’ll sort it out…”
“We talked; in fact, it was the longest and most sincere conversation we’ve ever had… He asked me to marry him, Mom; he brought a ring and asked if I wanted to marry him; he said he’d leave me alone if I didn’t accept…”
“Chiara…”
“I said yes, Mom…”
“You don’t have to, my love. If you don’t want to, you don’t have to. You’re the most important thing, not business!”
“I fell in love with him, I don’t know when or why… God, I don’t even know him, but when I broke off the engagement, when I said those words, my heart broke, my whole body ached…”
“Principessa I…”
“I’m in love with him, Mom, and I don’t think he’ll ever feel the same way. But letting him go knowing that he might marry someone else… I can’t.”
“Love doesn’t always make sense… Your father and I, for example, didn’t make sense either, but it was the best choice of my life.”
“Even after everything?”
“I would do it all over again without changing a single thing. He has given me the best gifts of my life. For you and your brothers, I’d go through any pain.
Love is unexpected; sometimes it happens at the worst moment for people who aren’t what we imagined, but it’s up to us to make it worthwhile. ”
“What if I can’t make it worthwhile?”
“You start again, as many times as you feel it’s necessary. You have a choice, Chiara, and your father and I will always fight for you to have it.”
“I heard that divorces aren’t accepted in the mafia. If it doesn’t work out. If he never loves me, I’ll be stuck…”
“We will fight a thousand battles for your happiness; if at any time you are unhappy and want to leave, we will be there for you!”
“Maybe you shouldn’t… I mean, I should fight for myself…”
“Always and forever…”
Tears gather in my eyes, and I let out a small smile, knowing that she will never give up on me. “Always and forever…”
I feel Amethyst leaning against me, and I hug her, gluing her little body to mine.
I stay like this for hours, without leaving my room.
I look at the ring on my finger, and a wave of anxiety passes through my body; I wonder what my future will be like.
How bleak it will be, whether I’ll be enough, whether I’ll survive.
My breathing gets heavier by the minute, and I feel Amethyst getting agitated; she gets out of my bed, but I can’t pay attention; I can’t figure out where she’s going.
I close my eyes and cover my ears, even though I know it won’t do any good.
The voice that tells me I’m not good enough, that says I’ll ruin everything, isn’t really outside; it’s inside me, constantly tormenting me.
I try to breathe calmly, but it doesn’t work; my throat is dry, and every time I gasp for air, I feel it scratch.
I pull in air, but it doesn’t seem to reach my lungs.
I sit up in bed and bring my knees up to my chest; my heartbeat is too strong.
I rest my head on my knees and breathe in slowly.
I feel tears coming slowly down my face, and I do nothing to stop them; my lungs are burning and desperately begging for air.
I think about calling someone, but I know my voice won’t come out; I’m too used to this not to know.
I breathe in and out slowly, trying to keep the invasive thoughts out of my head; I sob loudly and slowly manage to get some air into my lungs.
When my breathing finally settles down, I lay my head on my knees and keep my eyes closed, concentrating on my breathing; now calm, I put my hand on my chest over my heart and let out a sigh at having finally calmed down.
“How frequent are these attacks?”
Luca’s voice makes me shudder; shame floods my being, and I wonder how long he’s been watching me. I feel weak, defective, anddefinitely not the queen he claims me to be. I don’t lift my head or eyes; I don’t have the courage to face him. “Every now and then…”
I hear his footsteps getting closer and closer, and I don’t dare to face him. “The day you ran away… Francesco said that after that, you didn’t leave the house for days, that you locked yourself in your room…” the bed sinks a little beside me, and I smell the woody scent of his perfume.
“I’m full of cracks, and I don’t know if they can be mended; I’m not made of the same material that queens are made of.”
I feel his hands on my waist, and he gently and easily pulls my body toward his; I feel his abdomen glued to my back and his breath on my hair.
“That’s goodbecause queens aren’t made Chiara; they create themselves, they transform themselves.
” Luca carefully lifts my face and wipes away the tear that is slowly making its way down my cheek.
“Una vera regina in divenire!” (A true queen in the making).