Chapter 14 #3
“A family,” she answered, a smile touching her lips.
She looked away for a brief second, her fingers gently smoothing the damp cloth on his brow as if seeking a distraction.
“You might not know this, and to be quite frank, it is something I am deeply ashamed to admit to you. I have worried about how you would feel if you ever heard it. But... the true reason I came to London was to find love.”
Nathaniel remained perfectly still.
“Growing up, Lady Byron made us believe that romance was nothing but a foolish illusion,” Euphemia continued.
“She raised us to think it was not a grand thing, that it was something we should never chase. But I did not want that for myself. I did not want to grow up hating the very idea of love or romance. I wanted the kind of love I read about in my hidden books. As pathetic as it might sound to a man like you, that is why I came to the city.”
She paused, looking down at him.
“It was the ultimate thing I wanted, because love is what brings about a true family,” she murmured.
“Even though I did not get the romance I had initially hoped for when I set out, I got the family. I got Cordelia and Georgianna. They have been absolutely wonderful to me, Nathaniel. So, I am deeply grateful to you for that. Even if the rest of it is missing, you gave me familial love, and that is more than enough.”
The silence that followed her confession felt entirely stark, freezing the brief warmth that had built between them. Nathaniel stared up at her, the dull throb of his fever completely eclipsed by a sharp spike of guilt.
Her gratitude only made the feeling in his chest heavier.
He looked at the sincerity in her face and knew, with absolute certainty, that he could never give her what she truly desired.
Love was a concept he was entirely closed off to.
It was not a currency he possessed, nor was it something he had any intention of opening himself up to discover.
He could not deny that over the past few weeks, a certain attraction had taken root.
He found her immensely appealing, and it was impossible to ignore her beauty when she sat this close to him.
But that was merely a physical inclination, a natural response that he could easily control.
Putting distance between them had been his way of snapping the thread before it could tighten.
Working late into the night and avoiding her presence had successfully begun to dull that surface-level appeal, proving to him that space was the correct remedy.
But love? Love was an entirely different matter. It was a boundless, demanding force, and he was completely unequipped to offer it.
A grim realization settled into his thoughts as he watched her.
A woman who explicitly sought affection and romance was bound to end up miserable with a man like him.
They might be on better, more comfortable terms now, and they might even find a way to share a peaceful household, but he would always be the barrier between her and the life she actually wanted.
“So you truly want love? Do you not, Euphemia?” he asked, the words slipping out before he could check them.
She looked down at him, her eyes reflecting the flickering candle flame, and gave a simple nod.
“Yes. If I am to be completely honest with myself, even though I have come to terms with the fact that I may never experience it the way I once envisioned, it would still be nice. It wouldn’t hurt to possess what so many others take for granted. ”
Nathaniel felt the admission pierce straight through his defenses. A profound, aching regret settled in his chest, sharper than the physical pain in his limbs.
“I am sorry,” he whispered, his voice barely audible. He closed his eyes. He swallowed hard, forcing the words past his throat a second time. “I am so sorry, Euphemia.”
When he opened his eyes again, he felt the warmth of her palm settling against his cheek.
“No, please,” she said quickly. “Do not say that. I did not mean to burden you with my foolish girlish dreams, or make you feel as though you have done me any wrong. You haven’t, Nathaniel.
You... saved me. You brought me into your home, and you gave me a family.
Did you not hear what I said just now? I am incredibly grateful to you.
You even spared me from the risk of a social scandal by offering me this marriage. ”
She kept talking, her words rushing together in a desperate attempt to soothe the guilt she thought she had caused him.
But as her lips moved, Nathaniel found himself tuning out the meaning of her sentences.
His focus narrowed entirely to the way her eyes softened with care, and the faint parting of her lips.
The physical appeal he had tried so hard to fight for weeks roared back to life with an undeniable intensity.
He found himself wondering, with a sudden, dizzying hunger, exactly what those lips would taste like against his own.
Driven by an impulse he no longer had the clarity or the desire to fight, Nathaniel reached out. His fingers brushed the fabric of her sleeve before closing gently around her arm just near the elbow.
He pulled, slowly but with a small pressure, drawing her down toward him.
Euphemia trailed after his movement, her frantic reassurances dying in her throat as she realized what he was doing.
She didn’t resist. She simply watched him, her breath hitching as the space between them vanished.
Nathaniel lifted his other hand, his palm sliding up the soft skin of her throat to cup the back of her neck, his fingers tangling into the strands of her loose hair.
He guided her the remaining inch, anchoring her to him, and pressed his lips to hers.
Nathaniel’s breath hitched as her lips parted beneath his, completely shattering whatever restraint he had left.
He leaned into the contact, his tongue sliding past her teeth to meet hers in an intimate rhythm that made him feel lightheaded.
The taste of her was faint and intoxicatingly sweet, cutting right through the edge of his fever.
It was a soft and tender exploration, a rush of warmth that vibrated through every single nerve in his body.
In that breathless connection, the invisible tether that had been dragging him toward her ever since the night of the ball finally made perfect sense.
The reality of her mouth against his was far greater, far more consuming than anything his imagination could have constructed during his weeks of isolation.
But the illness was a relentless thief. Before he could truly lose himself in the sensation, a wave of exhaustion crashed over his senses.
His strength dissolved entirely, his hand slipping from the back of her neck to fall uselessly back onto the mattress.
His eyelids fluttered closed, the taste of her still lingering on his tongue as the dark pulled him under, drifting him into a deep, uninterrupted sleep.