Chapter 15
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
“Should you be down for lunch, Your Grace?” she asked curiously. “I was truly hoping you would take more time to rest today.”
The dining room was exceptionally quiet, the table feeling far too large. Euphemia set her fork down, her eyes lifting to the man sitting at the head of the table.
She had fully expected to partake in the midday meal with Cordelia and Georgianna just as she always did, but Nathaniel had utterly surprised them by appearing in the dining room to join them.
Nathaniel offered a faint, dismissive movement of his hand. “The fever was not serious, Euphemia. I am entirely up and running. A brief spell of illness is hardly enough to keep me confined to my bed when there are matters requiring my attention.”
Euphemia cleared her throat softly, shifting a piece of potato on her plate. “I see. But it might be good if you spent the rest of the day in your bed, Your Grace.”
“I would much prefer to eat in silence, Euphemia, if it pleases you,” he replied politely. “I still carry a lingering ache in my brow, and the quiet is a welcome remedy.”
“That is quite all right,” she murmured, mellowing instantly as she picked up her utensil again.
She subsided and continued eating, stealing glances at Georgianna and Cordelia who both remained fixated on their plate, eating.
But the silence only made her mind race faster.
Under the guise of her meal, she also kept stealing glances at Nathaniel, trying to read the unreadable expression in his eyes.
Her thoughts inevitably drifted back to the late hours of the previous night, and a warmth rushed to her cheeks.
The memory of the kiss flooded her senses.
It had been everything she had ever dreamed of, and far more.
The moment his lips had parted against hers, she had felt a breathless surge of emotion that had nearly stopped her heart.
He had been so hot with fever, yet the large hand cupping the back of her neck had been entirely real, anchoring her to him with such strength.
It was a tender feeling that had left her completely undone in the dark.
In truth, she had worried all morning that she might wake up with the same fever after being so entirely close to him, but thankfully, she had been spared.
Now, looking at his demeanor across the table, the familiar urge to ask questions began to thrum beneath her skin. She wanted to know what the embrace meant. She wanted to know if he remembered the heat of it, or if he was going to pretend it was merely a delusion of his illness.
A dozen inquiries pressed against the back of her teeth. But as she watched him eat in silence, Euphemia made a vow to herself. She would grant him his peace for the duration of this meal. However, the very moment their plates were cleared, she would have that conversation with him.
She decided then and there that she was no longer going to be frightened or hesitant.
Unlike before, when she would hoard her questions and anxiously wait for a perfect, elusive moment to speak her mind, she charged herself with a new resolve.
She would speak plainly and cleanly. She would ask for the truth and sever the knot of uncertainty, refusing to let this distance linger over her heart a moment longer.
The midday meal drew to a close in that same silence. Once the plates were cleared, Cordelia and Georgianna offered their proper curtsies and retreated upstairs with their governess to attend to their afternoon French and geography lessons.
As Nathaniel rose from the head of the table, Euphemia stood up as well, her eyes tracking his every move.
He turned to leave the dining room, and she stepped into line behind him.
She followed him down the long, carpeted corridor, her footsteps falling like a shadow against the floorboards.
She stayed a few paces back, saying absolutely nothing, her mind spinning as she tried to calculate the exact right moment to break the ice and bring up the conversation she had promised herself they would have.
Nathaniel walked with fast, until he reached the door of his private study. He stopped abruptly. Turning on his heel, he placed his hands on his waist and looked down at her, his eyes narrowing.
“Why are you following me, Euphemia?” he asked, a touch of exasperation trailing through his deep voice. “Do you not have something else to occupy your afternoon?”
Caught off guard, she offered a hesitant gesture with her hands, trying to smooth over her nerves. “Well, I... I was merely wondering about a few things, and I wanted to ensure that you —”
“I am fine,” he interrupted, cutting her off cleanly before she could finish the thought. “You really must stop with your constant worrying, Euphemia. You worry far too much. You possess too soft a chest for your own good, and it is entirely unnecessary. I am perfectly recovered.”
At his blunt words, the fierce determination she had built up over lunch seemed to falter. Her shoulders dropped slightly, a sigh escaping her lips as she mellowed under his gaze. She realized she couldn’t simply force the issue of the kiss while he stood there with his guard so firmly up.
Desperate to pivot, she scrambled for another topic. “Very well. I was actually just wondering if you had finally figured out the book you wanted to recommend to me? Do you happen to have a recommendation for me now?”
Nathaniel blinked, his hands remaining on his waist as he stared at her, perplexed. “A book? Whatever are you speaking of?”
“During the ball,” she reminded him, tilting her chin up slightly as the memory came back to her. “You mentioned that you were going to recommend a book for me to read. I was simply wondering if you had found the time to... locate it yet.”
“No,” he replied flatly, his expression softening only a fraction. “I have not given the matter any thought whatsoever. As I have told you, I have been too busy with the estate accounts.”
“Oh. I see,” she murmured, a flush of embarrassment warming her neck. She looked down at the floor for a brief second before looking back up, the words leaving her mouth before she could stop them. “Well... would you perhaps want me to recommend another book for you instead?”
The moment the offer left her lips, she mentally scolded herself. It was an incredibly dumb thing to ask, especially given that he had just reminded her, in no uncertain terms, how completely buried he was under his own responsibilities.
Nathaniel did not smile. He simply shook his head, his tone firm. “I would rather not have another recommendation at present, Euphemia. There is far too much on my plate as it is.”
She nodded slowly, swallowing the tiny lump of rejection in her throat. “All right then. That is quite... all right.”
She turned on her heel, preparing to walk away. There was no hope of reaching him today. His features had completely hardened, shifting right back to that familiar, cold mask he wore so well.
But as she took her first step, she stopped herself. The resolve she had carried all through lunch flared back to life, refusing to be dismissed so easily. She couldn’t just walk away.
Turning back around, she squared her shoulders and looked him dead in the eye.
“What am I to make of last night, Nathaniel?” she asked, trying to keep her voice steady despite the rapid pounding of her heart. “What am I to make of what happened between us?”
Nathaniel crossed his arms over his chest, his brow furrowing as he looked down at her. “What happened last night?”
Euphemia’s breath caught. She scrambled to find the words, trying to explain it to him without outrightly saying the truth aloud in the middle of the corridor. “Well... between us. In your bedchamber. When I came to check on your fever.”
“My memory of the evening is quite brief,” he admitted, shaking his head.
“I remember very little after the fever took hold. I know that you were in my room with a basin and a cloth. I am assuming you used them to tend to my temperature, and then I fell asleep while you left. Was there anything else?”
Euphemia felt her jaw practically drop.
Was there anything else?
The question echoed in her ears, leaving her utterly stunned. “Is there anything else?” she repeated, her voice rising a fraction.
“Yes,” he said, looking at her as if waiting for a logical explanation.
A profound confusion swirled through her mind.
She knew for a certainty that she had not imagined it.
She had not imagined the sudden grip of his fingers on her arm, or the deliberate way he had pulled her down to him on the mattress.
She had absolutely not imagined the slide of his fingers into her hair, or the deep, intoxicating warmth of his lips meeting hers in the dark. It had happened.
Or had she truly imagined it?
The terrifying doubt crept into her chest, making her stomach twist. Desperate to find a scratch of recognition on his face, she began probing him further. “Before you fell asleep, Nathaniel... do you truly not remember what we did just before you closed your eyes?”
Nathaniel’s expression instantly shifted from confusion to seriousness.
He took a half-step closer, his eyes scanning her face.
“Did I do something inappropriate to you? Did I say something unseemly? If I did, I offer you my most sincere apologies. I was completely out of my senses with the fever. I swear to you, I remember absolutely nothing concrete. I know we talked, but I don’t recall what we talked about. ”
He sighed. “Also, I must thank you. For taking care of me. You did not need to, but... it is appreciated.”
Euphemia’s eyes went incredibly wide. A violent rush of heat flooded her face, scorching her skin from her neck to her hairline. She was embarrassed to the very core of her being.
He did not remember. He truly, honestly had no recollection of the kiss that had kept her awake for the remaining hours of the night.
“Have a nice day, Your Grace,” she choked out before he could utter another agonizing apology.
She turned violently away from him, her hands clenching into tight fists by her sides as she stormed down the corridor.
Her shoes clicked sharply against the floor, each step a blur of mortification.
It was, without a doubt, the most humiliating thing that had ever happened to her in her entire life...
and there were quite a number of humiliating things that had happened.
For him to completely forget an embrace that she had been holding so highly in her mind... an event she had spent the whole morning agonizing over was a disaster. There was absolutely no coming back from this.
She couldn’t bear the thought of ever looking him in the face again.
The moment she rounded the corner and escaped his line of sight, her composure shattered.
Euphemia brought both of her hands up, entirely covering her burning face with her palms as she hurried toward the privacy of her own chambers.
“Why me?” she murmured frantically against her skin, her own voice sounding miserable to her ears. “Good heavens, why me? Why must I always be the one left entirely foolish?”