Chapter 16 #2
“Not the specifics. Just that there was someone I’d been liking for a while.
That I wasn’t in the position to make a move, and all I could do was…
wait it out until it would fade.” He smiles faintly.
“She’d read the books when she was in her early teens and loved them.
She recommended them to me, and I read them all in less than a week.
And once I got to the end, I immediately restarted them. ”
I nod. “They’re so different, once you know. Once you understand what the author was trying to do.”
An ode to the enduring power of love. That’s what Jesse said the other day, isn’t it?
He lifts his hand and runs it through the length of my hair. I’m reminded of the care he took while undoing my braid last night. And of the pull on my scalp a few moments ago. “What about you? When did you discover the books?”
“My dad used to read them to me. When I was probably a bit too young for them, but I adored them anyway. Even the scarier, darker parts. I kind of forgot about them for a decade and a half. Then, when I was in college and he got sick, I read them back to him. And now…Well, he’s gone.
But Limerence was our thing, and since I inherited from him both my love for the series and my love for video games, and I think he’d be proud to know that his daughter might be the one who…
” I swallow against the sudden obstruction in my throat.
It takes me a moment to gather myself, but Jesse’s warm hand stays, anchoring me.
“That’s why I need to get it right. It has to be absolutely perfect, but… ”
“But?”
“I don’t know. I’ve been going through my ideas…” I shake my head.
“I’ve seen your ideas, Viola. They look fantastic.”
“I know they do,” I say without conceit, and then briefly hesitate.
Forty-eight hours ago, I would have gouged my eyes out before confessing any doubts to Jesse.
But today he feels like my closest ally.
I simply cannot imagine hiding anything related to Limerence from him.
“Aqualuna was both Dad’s and my favorite character.
And I want to do her justice. But the stuff I’ve written so far hasn’t quite captured her essence.
I’m missing something, and I can’t figure out what it is.
” I shrug. And then laugh, fully aware of how ridiculous I sound.
“I’m overthinking it, right? I’m too attached to her. ”
Jesse cocks his head on the pillow. “I don’t think you are. I feel protective of her, too. And of Noham.”
I smile. “So nice of you, to pretend that I’m not a total weirdo.”
“Anytime.”
I pinch him lightly in retaliation, but the conversation is reminding me of something I would have considered earlier, if I hadn’t been busy stuffing approximately a year’s worth of sex into two days: Jesse’s proposal to have Noham as a playable character.
Or, more exactly, my own reaction to it.
I can’t believe that it had never occurred to me. Not that I would ever dare cut Noham out completely—Mike and Otto are unbelievable—but I’m starting to wonder if in my obsessive search for the real Aqualuna, I…“You know, I think I may have been neglecting him,” I tell Jesse, suddenly serious.
He understands immediately what I’m referring to. “Noham?”
I nod as I work through my reasons. “The thing is, Noham and Aqualuna’s love felt so…
so beautiful, and powerful, but also doomed.
Which, it is. Literally cursed. And the ending of the saga, it hurts.
Knowing that everything Noham and Aqualuna go through together culminates in grief, it hurts.
” I’m talking to myself as much as to Jesse.
Combing through mats of ideas and possibilities.
“And since I love Aqualuna so much, since I want her to be happy for more than a handful of minutes, since it’s a foregone conclusion that Noham’s loss will break her heart, I’ve been…
sidelining him. As if by reducing his role in her life, I could reduce her suffering.
But her openness to loving him is such an important part of her character.
If I take that away…Yes. That’s it. That’s why she fell flat. That’s what’s missing.”
Jesse looks at me like he gets it. And it makes me want to kiss him even more. “You know, maybe what we should do is—”
The knock at the door startles us. We exchange a long, silent glance. Then Jesse gets out of bed to pull on his plaid pajama pants and answer the door, while I duck under the covers and make myself as small as possible.
“Hey.” From under the comforter, I can hear Mike’s muffled voice. “You sick or something?”
“No.”
“Oh. You look like you just got out of bed.”
“I did. Slept in.”
“Cool. You’re still good with driving your car back, right?”
“Of course.”
“Great. So, the streets look fine, at least as long as we go slowly. We’re planning to leave at five.”
A pause. “Okay.”
“Thanks, dude. And oh, have you seen Viola?”
Jesse doesn’t miss a beat. “Is she not in her room?” I’m starting to notice that he has mastered the art of sidestepping and non-answering questions.
“Nope. Maybe she went for a walk or something. I’ll text her. See you later.”
I wait for the sound of the closing door. A few seconds later, the mattress next to me dips. I emerge from the tangle of sheets and comforter, sitting upright while Jesse eyes me silently.
“I really enjoyed your performance as ‘shapeless lump,’ ” he says, pushing my hair back from my face.
“Thank you. I hope to take it to Broadway soon.” I force myself to smile, even if my cheeks object. “So I guess we are going home today, after all.”
Jesse nods. He looks…yeah.
Exactly how I feel.
It’s ridiculous that the prospect of returning to my quiet, empty apartment weighs in my belly like an iron boulder.
And it’s not that I think that this thing between us will be over once we go home, or that Jesse will ghost me as soon as we’re back in Seattle.
I know him better than that. But for the past two days it’s been just us, suspended, locked away from reality, and now…
Well. Change is part of life, and all that shit.
“Guess this means I have to go pack,” I say, fidgeting with a corner of the sheet.
Jesse nods, again.
“And you have to pack, too.” I push the covers back. “I’ll get out of your hair, so you can—”
His hand on my wrist pulls me back to him. He kisses what’s left of that sentence out of my mouth—and kisses me, and kisses me, and kisses me, not stopping until I force myself to twist out of his embrace, even if it makes my heart heavy and my eyes prickly.