33
The rehearsal dinner goes by in a flash of speeches, toasts, and drinks, and at some point in the night, I become best friends with Jas.
I don’t really know when it happened, but I’m pretty sure it was when she watched Adriana give me the stinkeye as I danced with Miles. Jas caught me in the bathroom a bit later to tell me that Adriana had always been a knob and to ignore her.
That was the beginning of a wonderful friendship and so, by 11pm I am sitting in the bridal suite with Jas, her best friend, Lottie and her cousin, Juliet. These girls make up the bridal party for tomorrow, and I’ve somehow made it to the inner circle.
I couldn’t tell you where Miles is but, shockingly, I’m having a brilliant time. Juliet snuck one of the expensive bottles of champagne upstairs and I’ve not stopped laughing since we got here.
“Seriously though, Del,” Jas is saying, “You’re a fucking badass for being at this wedding. I don’t think I’d want to meet a single one of Julian’s exes,” she adds earnestly. And there really isn’t anything behind it. It doesn’t feel like she’s telling me Miles has downgraded, she’s just stating a fact. Any girl would feel crap coming to a wedding with one of their boyfriends' exes.
I want to tell her that I’m not even Miles’s real girlfriend but meeting her still cut me deep. Personally, I think that girls like Jas are bad for the mental health of most girls. She is, of course, now even more beautiful than ever since it turns out she’s also a pretty cool and kind person. But I manage not to tell her that. I think I might deserve another reward.
“Lucky for you Julian didn’t lose his virginity till he was 25 then,” Lottie says and we all burst out laughing.
“Hey,” Jas calls, “I am almost certain he was 20, but at least it means we didn’t go to school with any of his exes,” she adds, grinning at me again.
“Jas, man,” Juliet says, “You lost your virginity to Del’s boyfriend, shut up,”
I snort as Jas leans in, “He’s fucking good in bed though, isn’t he?” I must blush because Jas cackles, “I bet he’s just gotten better with age,”
I laugh, shaking my head. To say this girl gave off major mean girl vibes when I first saw her, she’s fast becoming one of my favourite people at this wedding. Unlike the rest of the toffs that make up her and Julian’s family, she’s down-to-earth and so honest it might be uncomfortable if I wasn’t totally trashed.
“For what it’s worth, Del,” Jas says, “I genuinely haven’t seen Miles as happy as he is now. Not even when he was with fucking Adriana,”
A small part of me is relieved to hear that, but then the mean and logical part reminds me that whatever keeps happening when Miles and I get in that fucking suite, we’re not officially anything more than fake partners here. Nothing is confirmed, and Miles would have every right to end this on Sunday morning.
“Adriana is literally the meanest person I’ve ever met,” Lottie says, bringing me back to reality, “You know when we were in college, she told me I should probably learn how to do makeup because I had bad skin,”
“What the fuck,” I shout, enraged for this girl that I just met. That really is a cruel thing to say to someone and it just confirms that I don’t like Adriana.
Lottie nods, “Total bitch,” she says, and I wince. I hate the word bitch. It’s so gendered and gross, but I don’t think any of the girls here would appreciate me telling them that, and hey, Adriana kind of is a bitch, “I never really got her and Miles. He’s so sweet and kind and she’s like an evil tarantula,”
“A tarantula?” I ask.
Lottie nods, “Yeah, makes you wanna run screaming, you know? ”
I cackle along with Juliet and Jas, hoping that Gloria Steinem doesn’t suddenly materialise to take away my feminist card for bitching about a girl I don’t know just because she’s my fake-sort-of-not boyfriend’s ex.
The subject quickly turns to other people from their fancy private school and as it nears midnight (and we run out of champagne) Juliet points out that Jas should probably go to sleep. Lottie, who is staying with her tonight, begins getting out a whole host of Korean skincare products for Jas to use as Juliet and I say good night.
We walk back to our rooms on the other side of the hotel. We have to pass through the lobby and as we do, my heart sinks. I see Miles standing opposite Adriana. They look deep in conversation, as though they have been talking for ages.
My brain immediately jumps to them getting back together. Images of me appear sitting on the curb outside the Ritz with my suitcase. Adriana is on Miles’s arm tomorrow. His dad is cheering on the sidelines, finally going to get his pure-blood, aristocrat children after all.
Juliet looks at me, “Do you think she waited for you to leave?” she asks, rolling her eyes.
I snort, but don’t respond because these images are getting worse and I want them to stop and thinking that Adriana might have been waiting for me to leave isn’t helping .
“For the record, I don’t think you have anything to worry about,” Juliet says as we near them, “That boy looks at you like you’re his only reason for living,” I frown and then turn to see Adriana notice us. She rolls her eyes and goes back to speak to Miles, but he follows her line of sight and breaks into his big, beautiful grin that makes my insides squirm. “See,” Juliet mutters, grinning at me surreptitiously.
“Where have you been?” Miles asks, coming over and pulling me into him. He presses his lips to my head and I want to melt, like, the fuck, he’s so cute. I barely even notice that Adriana trails after him, coming to stand opposite us now.
“Oh, we stole her,” Juliet says, grinning at Miles and purposefully ignoring Adriana’s lingering presence. Miles releases me, raising an eyebrow at Juliet. “She’s an honorary member of the bridal party now,” Juliet adds and I snort.
“If I disappear tomorrow, I’m getting fitted for a bridesmaid dress,” I say, grinning at Miles and only partly joking. I have seen the bridesmaid dresses and, let me tell you, I’d sell my soul for one of them. Bottle green and silky satin numbers, yes, please. I bet they cost more than a whole year’s rent.
Miles laughs and shakes his head.
“Yeah, sorry, Miles,” Juliet says with a smirk, her eyes flicking to Adriana “Your new girlfriend is just too cool,” she says. I wince a little, knowing that Juliet is being mean to Adriana out of some loyalty to me that I seem to have earned in the past few hours. It does feel kind of nice though, to have someone so determined to make me feel welcome here.
I see Adriana roll her eyes again but Miles isn’t looking at her. In fact, he’s just looking right into my eyes like he can see my soul.
“Yeah, she’s pretty cool, isn’t she?” he says, still gazing through my fucking retinas.
“The coolest,” I say and he grins at me again.
“Wanna go to bed?” he asks, and from the heated way he looks at me, I know he’s not just thinking about sleep.
I nod, and he takes my hand, leading me over to the lifts.
“See you tomorrow,” he throws over his shoulder to a now murderous-looking Adriana.
Juliet just smirks at her, falling into step beside us.
“Night,” I say to her over my shoulder. She just rolls her eyes AGAIN and walks back to the bar where I see the red-soled gang waiting to spew hate probably.
I almost feel sorry for her, until I realise that all her mean friends are now side-eying me and I realise they’re mad at me for something I’m not sure I did. I can’t help it if she left Miles behind. She’s the idiot who didn’t fight for someone as fucking fantastic as him.
*
“So, what were you and Adriana talking about earlier?”
I have been fighting an internal war in my head about asking this question for the past ten minutes. When we got back to the room, Miles wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to the bed. We spent a good few hours tangled in each other’s limbs.
Tonight, we took our time, learning about each other’s bodies, savouring them. And fuck, if I’m not torn over which I like better. The Miles who pulls my hair and tells me I look pretty when I come, or the one who sinks into me slowly, lusciously, drawing out my pleasure and whispering all the things he finds beautiful about me in my ear.
But now, I have come up from the orgasm-induced haze, the anxious lady in my brain has awoken, and she wants to know if he’s gonna ditch me for Adriana after tomorrow. In all honesty, even the logical part of my brain wants to know now.
Logically, I know that Miles has acted like way more than a fake boyfriend this weekend. Logically, I know that he has been affectionate, caring, and sometimes, downright loving. But logically, I also know that Adriana is from his world. She is his ex. She has known him all his life. She knows him in ways I don’t. She knows his family, is accepted by them, and is, let’s be honest, a bit more of a catch than I am.
Miles is stroking my side slowly, looking deep into my eyes, and he sighs.
“Oh God, I don’t know,” he says, “I was actually coming to find you. Carrie said she saw you leave with Jas, and I got really worried, but then Adriana grabbed me,”
“Why were you worried about me?” I ask, completely forgetting to badger him about Adriana.
“I just didn’t want Jas to say anything mean,”
I frown, “Jas is actually pretty cool,” I say, “And honestly, the only one of your exes who kind of sucks is Adriana,” I add, suddenly defensive of Jas who I completely judged wrong.
“I mean, she isn’t marrying my cousin,” he says with a chuckle.
“I’m sorry, did you want to marry Jas?” I ask because I’m pretty certain the reason I am here is because his family thinks he’s been thrown over, not because the love of his life is marrying his cousin.
He laughs, “No, I don’t think we’re particularly compatible,”
“Do you think you and Adriana are?” I ask quietly, knowing I sound kind of desperate and pathetic, but needing to know if maybe Adriana is the love of his life, the one that got away, and that maybe, even though he said he didn’t know she would be here, maybe he was hoping she would. Or that word of his new girlfriend would reach her in Paris. Compel her to come back and fight for him, maybe.
He frowns, as though deep in thought, “I guess I used to,” he says, “When we were growing up, I had this huge crush on her. So, when she reciprocated it as an adult, I think the ten-year-old in me freaked out a bit,” I raise an eyebrow, trying really hard not to show that I feel like I just fell from a very large height, and he continues, “I mean, it wasn’t just my old crush that made me go out with her. I did like her. But she always used to talk down to me and act like I wasn’t living up to my full potential. I guess I didn’t notice it until we’d broken up, but she always acted like the shop was a bit of a joke. I think she just expected that I’d eventually end up working for my dad. She wanted this version of me that I don’t think I will ever be,”
I nod, knowing exactly what that feels like but not really knowing what to do about it.
“I don’t think I’ll ever be the version of me she wants,” he finishes, and even though I try to deny it and tell the anxious crazy woman that she’s wrong, he sounds sad when he says it. As though he wishes he was the version she wants.
I think about what he said, how he could be close enough to happy in return for validation and acceptance, and a small part of me wonders whether he still considers it from time to time. Maybe being around family stirs those feelings up in him. Maybe Adriana too.
The lump in my throat is rising and I can feel myself about to cry, so instead of having a full-on meltdown over a guy that I am fake dating, I just turn over and nestle into him. He hugs me to his body, pressing a kiss to my hair again.
I stay awake for the longest time, well after I hear Miles’s breathing slow, and the entire time I am trying to convince myself not to cry.
I feel like a crazy person. Why am I acting like this? He’s done so many things this weekend that suggest he likes me as way more than a fake date. The fucking incredible sex comes to mind, obviously, but it’s more than that. It’s the smiles, the touches, the glances in my direction.
So, why does it feel like it’s all quickly drawing to a close?