37. Chapter 37 #2
He gets to his feet and moves in quick, something that would normally startle me, but not this moment. Between this breath and the next, there's no fear. After yesterday, my trust in him is absolute.
He kisses me, cupping my face and not letting me move away.
I choke on a sob against his mouth. What is wrong with this man? Why does he keep doing this? He makes me feel like I'm perfectly fine, no changes needed, and he sees who I am behind every bad thing that's happened.
Just me.
I'm crying too much, so he pulls back to rest his forehead against mine. "You're so fucking beautiful."
"Stop," I croak out.
"So strong. Nothing can destroy you. I don't even know if I deserve a woman like you."
"You… You just see me as a victim."
"No. I see you as a survivor."
"Stop… it…"
"I love you so fucking much."
I'm a wreck but those words silence me completely. Sobs pulse in my throat to get out but I'm completely still. My heart is still and listening. "What?"
He says the Korean words again, which I'm finally starting to register. "Saranghae."
I shake my head. I wish I could blame the medicine for making me so confused but I know it's Sean. He doesn't really mean this. How can he? I'm tarnished.
I fist his shirt as the words spill out. "There are so many of them. You can't possibly see me as beautiful. Are you crazy? There's so much I have to deal with. So many triggers. I'm just too—"
"Your scars are beautiful. They mean you're a survivor. A fighter. And I could only love a strong woman." He kisses me and the tears on my lips, then rests his forehead on mine again. "How did I ever find you? How did I ever find such an amazing woman?"
I give a small smile. "Well, I was the one who found you."
"I love you." He pulls me against him and I cry into his shoulder, still shaking my head. "I almost lost you," he continues. "Fuck, if I had, I don't know…"
I pull back to study the sincerity in his eyes.
His thumbs run along my cheeks, catching moisture, and we just gaze past all the scarred remains that our traumas have left us.
Those pockmarked walls and broken bridges and shattered pieces of what we tried to build.
No one ever truly recovers from the wars they face; war is too powerful.
But scars stitch us back together, giving us the ability to face the next battle.
I touch the healed wound on his chest from when he was shot, then I press his bandaged hand to my chest.
"I shouldn't even think about it," he says. "I didn't lose you. I won't lose you."
I want to say, Why would you want to keep me? But there's no point when faced with the power of his honesty.
I don't understand him, but I know he's not lying.
He presses his cheeks against mine. "I won't lose you. I want you to be mine. I love you so fucking much."
"I love you too."
Our lips press together, and it's relief and love and everything else I thought I'd never have. His fingers push gently into my hair, loosening the towel, and I shiver against the wet strands falling over my bare shoulders.
When I tug at the hem of his top, he breaks our kiss. "I'm not asking for anything right now. God, you've been through too much. I just needed to kiss you. That's all."
"I need you," I say, and when those words come out, the epiphany I was struggling to understand earlier is finally clear.
Bad things are going to happen no matter what I do.
Once, I was an actress, just going about my life, oblivious to how much pain exists in the world.
Then that pain touched me and I collapsed inside myself.
I fled to a new city. I went into hiding and lived in the background, out of frame.
I built so many walls, always searching for threats, and I decided that not having a life was better than risking pain again.
Something bad still happened.
So if I can't control my world, if I can't predict life and keep myself safe, why not just enjoy whatever days I have left?
I want to step out that fucking window.
I pull on Sean's top, needing to feel the heat of his skin against mine. "I want you. I want all of it. I'm tired of being afraid."
He lifts his arms and lets me undress him, lets me peel away every layer he's wearing until he's as bare as I am.
As I kiss along his neck, he lifts me and carries me to the bed. We both fall onto the soft cocoon of silk. He stays pressed close, as if he can't bear to be apart from me for even a second.
"Tell me to stop and I will," he says against my shoulder.
"I know. Please don't."
There's no stopping this time; I'm ready to push past everything that's kept me chained. I'm going to move forward into this new future with Sean.
"You're staying?" I ask.
He raises himself, large biceps flexing and caging me in, but not in a way that makes me feel trapped. I only feel held and protected. "Staying?"
I close my eyes because what I'm about to say feels so terrifying. "With me. I-I know you have your own life and a home somewhere and we only just said we love each other and this is so new and it's unfair of me to—"
"I'm staying. No question." His mouth is on mine before I can respond.
That statement finally smashes through the last remaining brick of my walls and I pull him down on top of me, opening my mouth so our kiss can deepen.
Our limbs tangle and his lips find my neck, my collarbone. I gasp as he worships each part of my body with his mouth and that hot, unhurried tongue. He's so careful at first, but I don't want careful.
I wrap my legs around his waist and pull his hips closer.
He groans, low and deep. My skin is feverish everywhere he touches.
I just need him inside me. I need that feeling of completeness only he can give me.
We're both shaking, both on the edge like this is the last moment we'll ever have together, and maybe that's why it feels so intense.
Yesterday was a reminder that life is so precious and can end in an instant.
What if tomorrow doesn't exist? That's why I need all of him. Now.
His cock teases my opening as he kisses me, savors me. My name is a ragged pulse between kisses that leave us both dizzy and breathless.
I grip his back and raise my hips, the careful slowness of this too much to bear. "I need you," I whisper, and he finally starts to guide himself in.
He pushes deeper, deeper, filling me with that first wonderful stretch that makes me cry out.
I dig my fingers into his solid shoulders. "Keep going."
He starts slow, pumping his hips in a rhythm that builds and makes me forget all the pain of yesterday, all the pain of the past, all the pain of a future where he's not in my life. His thrusts are a strong pulse but not hurried; he's careful to keep it gentle.
It's like we're trying to blend every part of ourselves into the other, and maybe we are. Every thrust is a confession that he's not going anywhere, that he really does love me, and that I can truly love him back without fear.
"Saranghae," he says into my neck.
The words unravel me. I lose myself, and it's like the first time and the last time and every time that will come between. As I'm crying out in pleasure, he loses himself too.
We're lost together, shaking and gasping and not wanting this moment to end.
When it does, he holds me safe in his arms, safe and cocooned like he'll never let go.
I believe him.