Chapter 28
Moira
I close my laptop in
frustration and push it across my kitchen table, trying to get it as
far away from me as possible. It’s not providing me the answers
I want.
In particular, I
sent an email to Father Gaul two weeks ago, desperately hoping he
would see it. I’ve been going out of my mind with worry about
Zach, wondering if he made it back to Caraica.
I’m sure he
did. He’s the most self-assured, capable man I know. He’s
at home in the jungle, so there’s no reason he wouldn’t
make it back there.
No, my worry is
really about what happened after he made it back. Have the Caraicans
already gone to battle with the Matica? Is Zach still alive?
For the last two
weeks, I could barely eat, so sick with apprehension. I’m
sleeping maybe a few hours a night, but it’s a fitful tossing
and turning.
And I’m so
heartsick that I can barely function. I miss Zach so bad. I think
sometimes the best thing to happen to me would be if I just shriveled
up and died, then this misery would at least be ended.
Pushing myself up
from the chair, I pad over to the refrigerator. I open it up and
stare listlessly inside, noting the extreme lack of contents.
Shutting it with a sigh, I head for the living room, intent on
getting lost in a movie.
A knock sounds at my
door, and I jolt with surprise. No one even knows I’m back in
Evanston. I assume it’s someone soliciting something, so I
ignore it. The knocking continues, but I head to the couch and pick
up the TV remote.
A buzzing in my
pocket startles me and I pull out my iPhone, seeing a text from Lisa.
Open your damned
door.
What the hell?
I scurry off my
couch and run to the door, throwing it open. Lisa stands there,
holding a carry-on suitcase with a devious smile on her face. “Hey,
baby sister.”
Stepping backward, I
blink in surprise as Lisa walks in, setting her suitcase down. As I
close the door, I ask her, “What are you doing here?”
“Well…
see, I have this little sister who has been ignoring my calls, texts,
and emails for two fucking weeks, so I was worried about her.”
“How did you
even know I was here?” I ask, astounded that she’s
standing in my living room.
“Because I
called Randall and he told me what happened. How could you, Moira?
How could you go through all of that and not even tell me? Not even
let me help you?”
Her voice is laced
with chastisement but also a huge dose of sympathy. My lower lip
trembles. Then she’s opening her arms to me, and I’m
sinking in to them.
I start sobbing
loudly on her shoulder as she strokes my back and coos words of
comfort to me.
“Let it out,
sweetie,” she cajoles. “Let it out.”
And I do… for
the first time since Zach left me, I pour out every bit of my
heartache and loneliness onto her in the form of tears and a little
bit of snot.
When I am finally
able to get myself under control, I take a deep breath and pull back
from her. She eyes me critically. “God, you’re a hot
mess.”
I stare at her a
moment, and then we both burst out laughing. I cover my mouth with my
hand as the laughter dies down, and Lisa looks at me with soft eyes.
“Here’s
what we’re going to do. You’re going to go get a shower,
because damn girl… you stink. Then we’re going to go out
to a nice dinner, and you’re going to tell me everything.
Okay?”
I nod at her even as
a few stray tears leak out of my eyes. “I’m so glad
you’re here.”
“I’m
always here for you,” she tells me as she shoos me toward the
bathroom.
“The not
knowing what happened to Zach is killing me,” I tell Lisa as I
pick at the chicken primavera on the plate in front of me. The food
isn’t holding much interest, but I had managed to down two
glasses of wine before our dishes came, and I was pleasantly buzzed.
“Of course
that would be worrying you,” she sympathizes. “But you’re
also battling a broken heart that he’s gone. You have a lot on
your plate, baby.”
Nodding my head, I
spear a chunk of chicken with my fork and tentatively put it in my
mouth. Oh, damn… that’s good. After I chew and swallow,
I stab another piece of chicken, waving my fork in the air at her.
“He just left so suddenly… and he wouldn’t talk to
me other than to say he wasn’t coming back.”
Misery overwhelms me
and I let the fork fall from my hand, where it clatters loudly on my
plate.
“How long do
you think you’ll be sunk in this misery, because frankly…
it’s a little annoying?”
“Excuse me?”
I jerk backward, and anger rises within me.
“Oh, come on,
Moira. You’re not one to sit around and wallow in pity. Your
man left you… yeah, that sucks. He could be in danger, and
it’s worrying you silly. I get it. But my baby sister is a
dynamo. She’d never sit back and just wait around for bad news
to arrive.”
“What in the
hell do you think I should do?” I ask bitterly. “It’s
not like I can call him on his cell phone.”
“Well, no
shit, Sherlock. So get off your ass and go find out what happened.”
“Go find out
what happened?” I ask stupidly.
“Listen…
if he’s dead, you need to know. If he’s not, you need to
know. So go find out.”
“You mean go
to Caraica?”
“Why not?
You’re a freaking anthropologist. You’ve been to Amazonia
before and you know how to get there. You have the resources at your
disposal, the money with which to do it, because I know Randall will
pay for the trip, and you have nothing but time on your hands. Unless
you’re going to go ahead and go back to teaching in the fall?”
Shaking my head, I
reach over and grab my wineglass, knowing I’m going to need
more fortification. “No, the university has already arranged
for a temporary substitute for my classes. I’ll be starting
back in the winter.”
“Then there’s
nothing holding you back,” she asserts.
“Except the
fact that Zach left me. He didn’t want me to go with him, even
though I offered. He didn’t even say he was sorry… or
that he’d miss me… or that he wished things were
different. He barely said a word to me,” I grumble, now aiming
my anger at Zach.
“Come on,
Moira. Think about what the guy was going through. He’d just
found out his home had been attacked and his friends had died. You
know he was struggling with the desire to return home anyway. You
know, deep down, that it was impossible for him to even concentrate
on anything except his need to get back to his people. So give him a
break.”
Her words are hard,
but they ring with truth. I’ve been so immersed in my own
tortured feelings that I had given little credence to what Zach had
been going through when he got the terrible news. All I could think
about was holding on tight to him, and that did me little good.
“I don’t
know,” I hedge, because even though I’m terrified to
discover that Zach may be dead, I’m probably just as fearful to
find him alive and unhappy to see me. He made a firm decision that he
was returning permanently, his last words to me that he wasn’t
going to come back to me burning an acid-like hole in my heart.
“Maybe I just need to let it go.”
Lisa snorts, and my
eyes rise to hers. I ask angrily, “What? What’s with the
passive aggressiveness?”
“I’m not
being passive aggressive. I’ll just be aggressive, how does
that sound? Everything that is bothering you right now has to do with
the fact that you have no clue what’s going on. Fear of the
unknown is one of the worst feelings in the world. You have no clue
if Zach is safe. You have no clue if he returned your feelings. You
have no clue whether you would have worked out in the long term. You
need those answers or you are never going to have any peace.”
Now it’s my
turn to snort. “I know the answer to one thing… we were
never going to work out in the long run. He only committed a year
here, so in some respects, maybe this is easier. Imagine how much
harder it would have been when he left me after a year… after
my feelings had gotten even deeper.”
Lisa blinks at me,
and her mouth hangs open slightly. “You don’t know, do
you?”
“Know what?”
I sneer, the wine feeling warm in my veins. “That Zach was just
probably using me for sex, but even the prospect of returning back to
a bloody war was better than staying here to fuck me?”
“Oh, God,”
Lisa says with an eye roll. “Enough with the dramatics. No…
you don’t know that Zach had decided to stay here permanently,
do you?”
“What?”
I practically screech as I lean across the table. “Why would
you say that?”
Lisa leans back in
her chair and thoughtfully runs her finger over the rim of her own
wineglass. She smiles at me with mischief. “Oh, this is
delicious. You seriously have no idea that Zach apparently had deeper
feelings for you than you even give him credit for.”
My eyebrow arches at
her. “As evidenced by the fact that he left me?” I point
out snidely.
“As evidenced
by the fact that he had met with Randall and told him that he decided
to stay… here with you. He asked for Randall’s help…
a job so he could help contribute to the household.”
“Tell me
you’re kidding me,” I demand with a sickening feeling in
my stomach. “Tell me this is a joke, because I really don’t
need to hear right now that he had feelings for me. I was better off
being pissed at him for leaving.”
“Sorry, sis.
He and Randall came up with a plan to get his GED and then get into
college. Zach insisted though that he have some way to earn income,
so Randall was going to hire him at a Cannon’s store and sort
of start him at the bottom so he could work his way up.”
My mouth hangs
agape. “How do you know all this?”
“Because I
bothered to talk to Randall. You’d know this too if you had
responded to his calls and emails. He’s worried sick about
you.”
My head hangs in
shame. It’s true… I’ve been ignoring everyone.
After I dropped Zach off at the airport, I went back to his house,
packed my things, and left. I had sent Randall a brief email that I
was returning to Evanston and that the key to Zach’s house was
under the doormat. He had responded back immediately that he needed
to talk to me, but I deleted it. He sent me several more emails,
which I deleted without reading. I didn’t need his sympathy,
and I was better off handling this on my own. I also disregarded all
of his calls and wiped his voice mails from my phone without
listening to them.
“Zach really
told Randall he wanted to stay here permanently?” I ask, still
disbelieving… still refusing to hope he had deeper feelings
for me than I suspected.
“Apparently
the morning he left. He went to Randall’s office.”
I remember waking up
that morning and Zach’s side of the bed being cold. I had sat
up in bed, a bit gingerly because my hip joints were a little sore
from the way Zach had held my legs up, and my ass stung a little.
But, oh God. That
was the most incredible sexual experience I’ve ever had. I had
hoped Zach had found as much pleasure in it as I did, because I so
wanted to do that again. He was so primal and raw with me, but at the
same time, so tender and thoughtful. When he’d asked me if I
trusted him, and I answered that I did, his smile told me that that
had meant more to him than anything up to that point.
I had no clue where
Zach went. I had assumed out for a walk… maybe down to the
bakery we both loved to pick us up some breakfast. I made my cup of
coffee, sat down to read my email, and then everything started
spinning out of control when Father Gaul called me.
I knew when he told
me what happened to Paraila and the tribe that Zach was probably lost
to me. I knew that I could never compete with the type of love and
loyalty Zach had for his people.
So it sort of stings
just a bit more to know that Zach had made the choice to stay with
me. For one brief, shining moment, he opened himself up and put me
first, and I had no clue. He hadn’t bothered to wake me up and
tell me. He went off on his own, made his plans, and then kept them
from me. He didn’t even give me the courtesy of telling me that
before he left because maybe… just maybe, it would have given
me some hope for the future.
I can only guess by
the way he completely withdrew from me and told me he wasn’t
coming back, that he had once again changed his mind and determined I
wasn’t more important than what waited for him back in Caraica.
Sighing deeply, I
push my plate away from me. “I’m kind of tired,” I
tell Lisa in a soft voice. “Mind if we go ahead and leave?”
“Moira…
don’t withdraw. Let’s continue to talk about this. I know
you’re hurting.”
I give her a sad
smile. “I am hurting and I love you for your concern, but I
think the best thing to do is leave this alone. Zach made his choice,
and I have to honor it. Some wishes aren’t destined to come
true.”
“I don’t
believe that. I think there’s still a lot left on the table
here between you two,” she says adamantly.
“No, there
really isn’t. Actually… if I’m honest with myself,
Zach made the right choice. It was right for him to return. He would
have never been able to live with himself if he didn’t.”
“So, you won’t
go to him? Won’t even entertain that idea?”
Shaking my head, I
stand up from the table. “No. There’s nothing for me in
Caraica. Now, I’m going to go out to the car if you don’t
mind getting the bill. I need some fresh air and alone time right
now.”
I turn from my
sister and I hear her mutter, “Fool,” as I walk out of
the restaurant.